‘Stop!’ I slapped Heinrich’s hands away.

‘Come now, Lotte.’ He held me tightly to him, attempting to kiss me again.

I turned my face away. ‘No. This is wrong. I can’t.’

‘After what you’ve told me, you have every reason to do this,’ he said gruffly, barely controlling himself.

I pulled my robe around me and we stared at each other, breathing heavily.

‘You’re worried I’ll abandon you once I’ve had you?’ he asked softly. ‘I would never do that to you. You mean everything to me.’

I shook my head and sighed, sliding away from him.

He brought my hand to his lips, then, kissing it fervently. ‘Marry me, Lotte. I promise you I will love the girls like my own.’

I remained silent.

‘Marry me and I will worship you as you deserve, treat you like a goddess. You have my heart and soul.’

In that moment I knew what I had to do. It came to me crystal clear like the sun shining down on a pristine stream. I wondered how I could have been so blind. Joy rushed through me, to fill all the dark places that inhabited my being, making me shiver deliciously. I was living my life, a life I was born to live. A life of passion, of love, strengthened by hardship and trouble along the way and that’s what made it even more precious and meaningful.

‘I can’t. I love Erich and I have to work this out for myself,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what’s ahead for us but regardless of the outcome, I won’t marry you.’

‘This can’t be goodbye.’ He clutched at my arm in desperation.

The heavy thud of regret and sorrow lay across my heart. I knew what he was feeling and was immeasurably sorry for the suffering I had caused him but it had to be said. I removed his hand from my arm and placed it between us.

‘You have to let me go. I don’t belong to this life any more. I’ve changed.’ The pain that clouded his eyes was almost more than I could bear. I took a breath. ‘I would suffocate here, living a life that wasn’t truly mine. I won’t be told how to live, how to make my choices any more, as we did under Hitler’s rule. We lived a lie for so many years and I will not live that way ever again. Germany’s changed and we have to change with it or get left behind. The old ways will soon be gone. I can’t return to a life of mindless opulence and lavish waste when I’ve seen how people survive on next to nothing and yet remain proud and full of dignity, when I know how much people have suffered. My life might be hard but at least I’m alive. I’m making my own choices, forging my own path and truly living.’ The blood sang in my veins. For the first time, I felt free – free as a bird coasting the breeze. I could choose whatever path I wanted.

‘I don’t want to live being told what to do either and I want to make my difference through medicine, improving the lives of others through my work but I don’t understand how that makes us different, why you can’t be here with me?’ His brow was creased in confusion.

Heinrich was a good and compassionate man. It’s what made him a good doctor, but he hadn’t yet made the connection that I had, thanks to Erich. Living the way he did, as a wealthy man from an influential family, perhaps Heinrich never would. The supreme effort he was making to try to understand touched me and made my heart ache for him.

‘We’re friends from another time, another life. Let’s leave it at that. Let me go, and live your life, Heinrich. I love you enough to want you to be happy. Find someone who adores you like you deserve, someone you can love in return. I’m so sorry.’

He hung his head in despair. ‘Are you sure?’

‘I am.’ I held my breath, rigid but no longer as fragile as glass.

‘Then I had better leave,’ he said quietly. He stood, smoothing his shirt and jacket. ‘Goodbye, Lotte.’ His eyes were so blue, even filled with tears.

‘Goodbye, Heinrich.’

22

I couldn’t wait to call Erich at work. I had been so stupid. I had nearly thrown away the best thing that had ever happened to me. No matter what, I couldn’t live without him. The distance between us was killing me. I had to find a way for us to reconnect again, to find that uncontrollable fire. I knew it was smouldering away, ready to be reignited.

‘I’m coming home,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry I ran away but I didn’t know what else to do.’

‘Shh, it’s all right. I should never have let you leave. I’ve been miserable without you.’

My heart leapt. ‘You have?’

‘Of course. You know I can’t do without you.’

‘I’ve been so miserable without you too. I’m coming home today.’ My heart felt light again. The blackness within had disappeared and I felt joyful, like I had been reborn.

‘Lotte?’

‘What is it?’

‘Inga is leaving with the children. I asked her to go.’

All the weight I had been carrying, which had been smothering me, dissipated like a cloud of smoke. He had fought for me.

‘Really? What will she do? What about the children? I know you want them with you.’

‘It’s okay. They won’t be far. Inga has a job in Stuttgart and we can have the children during their holidays. I’ll tell you more when you get home.’

I nodded although he couldn’t see me. Maybe this would work out.

‘I’ll be home soon. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

I packed our bags and was waiting to leave when my parents and the girls returned.

‘I’m going home,’ I said. Mutti and Vati looked at each other and smiled.

‘Vati had better drive you, then,’ said my mother. ‘Come on, girls, toilet and hands.’ She led the girls to the bathroom while Vati picked up the bags ready to pack in the car.

‘You look happier,’ said Vati.

‘I am,’ I said. ‘I’m going home.’

I arrived in Illesheim not long before Erich was to drive Inga and the children to Stuttgart.

He hugged me tightly the minute I walked through the door, as if he would never let me go. He reluctantly released me to the sound of little girls calling his name, pulling at his trousers. Picking the girls up, he kissed their chubby little cheeks, hugging them so they squirmed and begged to be let down to see Eva and Walter.

Erich grasped my wrist and pulled me towards him. ‘Welcome home,’ he whispered in my ear. Then he kissed me deeply. ‘I promise I’ll make it up to you. Wait for me until I get home.’ The glint was back in his eye. I felt weak at the knees, my heart beating rapidly like a silly schoolgirl.

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ I said, meaning it. If we could weather this storm, I knew we could get through anything.

It was hard to see the children go but I knew they would be back. Erich had looked into helping Inga find a job through the American Army. A vacancy in Domestic Services was available in the Helenen Garrison in Stuttgart, a few hours away. Erich was able to arrange accommodation for them too. Now they had bonded with the girls, their father and grandmother, I knew they considered this their home too, just as it should be. It was very emotional and I tried my hardest to be kind to Inga.

‘I wish you all the best in your new home and with your new job,’ I said, hugging her goodbye.

‘I’m sure you do,’ she said bitterly. ‘Anything to get me away from Erich. You only hurt him and our children by what you’ve done.’

‘Don’t be like that,’ I said, gritting my teeth. ‘I’m sorry we couldn’t have been friends but let’s try to be civil for the sake of the children.’

Inga laughed, holding me at arm’s length. ‘Of course. You know I’ll always be a part of Erich’s life, whether you like it or not. Our children will continue to bring us together. We have a long history and share many things that you and he never will. You’re not the right woman for him.’ She went to Karoline, hugging her and turning on the tears. I stopped myself just in time from rolling my eyes. Erich was watching.

Karoline said nothing while Erich was away. I knew how sad she was not to have Eva and Walter with us. I didn’t know if she blamed me for that or whether she would rather have had Inga stay and me go. I couldn’t deal with her approval or disapproval, I was only relieved that she turned her attention to the girls.

I stayed up until Erich arrived, long after the children were asleep and Karoline had gone to bed.

Erich slumped at the table, exhausted, sipping on his tea until I came to join him. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you,’ he said softly. ‘You were right. Inga had to leave. The way we were living was no good for any of us. I knew it but I couldn’t bring myself to force the issue.’ He hung his head – in sadness or in shame, I couldn’t tell. I caressed his cheek.

‘I know it was hard for you. The children… you couldn’t let them go after thinking they were dead and not seeing them for all those years.’

‘I don’t love Inga, you must know that.’ He held my hand, kissing my palm. ‘It’s you and only you.’

‘I know,’ I said, my face crumpling into both relief and dismay. I regretted the way I had handled the situation. Although at the time it had felt unbearable, I was sure I could have been more patient, more considerate and more resilient. He hesitated, glancing warily at me, but I wasn’t going to cry. I had cried enough in the last week. I nodded for him to continue.

‘But I felt like I owed her something. After all the years we’d been together, the years she and the children were on their own during the war, the hardships she’s had to endure… this was the least I could do… and the children and Mutti were so happy.’ He shook his head. ‘I knew it couldn’t last.’

‘I could’ve tried harder,’ I whispered, squeezing his hand, close to tears again, feeling guilty.