Despite my vow and best intentions, the tension between Inga and I increased. She was my rival. All I could see now was a threat to my family. My initial feeling about her was right: she was a snake waiting to strike. Erich was either oblivious to my misery or unwilling to do anything to change our situation. I felt alone, cornered and vulnerable.

‘Inga, could you pass me the potatoes?’ I asked one mealtime. She pretended not to hear, keeping her eyes fixed on her plate. I sighed with irritation. How childish.

Erich glanced at me, a frown of worry flitting across his features, and reached across the table to pass me the potatoes in silence. I scooped up the potato and placed a portion on Greta’s and Johanna’s plates before my own, banging the spoon on the side of my plate harder than I needed to. Erich’s gaze flicked across to me for a second but he said nothing. Inga looked up and glared at me and I stared back until her eyes returned to her plate.

‘Greta, tell Tante Inga about the letters you learnt to write at school today,’ said Karoline, trying to break the tension but aggravating me more than ever. Greta began to ramble excitedly about her letter writing.

Inga looked up, her eyes glazed over. ‘That’s nice, dear. Soon you’ll be reading. Won’t that be good? Now you’d better finish your meal.’ My blood boiled.

Erich laid a hand on my thigh, squeezing gently. ‘Could someone pass the sauerkraut please?’ he asked, keen to divert my attention. ‘I just have to have a little bit more. It’s my favourite.’

Much to my disgust, Inga immediately reached across the table to where the sauerkraut sat in front of Walter. She handed it to Erich, smiling sweetly, making sure their hands touched. I’d noticed that she took any opportunity to show me up, to prove she was better for Erich than me and to be close to him whenever she could.

‘It’s my favourite too, especially the way your mother makes it.’ Karoline beamed at the compliment.

It was as if I wasn’t even there. If I got up and left the table, I wouldn’t be missed. The way everyone behaved, they could almost be a family without me. I wanted to reach across the table and strangle Inga on the spot.

*

Six months after Inga and the children had arrived, the divorce still hadn’t been finalised. I was at the end of my tether.

‘The girls and I are going home to visit my parents.’

Erich and I were ready for bed, both exhausted. I expected little resistance from him at this hour but a piece of me hoped he would fight me. I needed him to show me that he wanted me.

‘When?’ he said, turning down the bed.

‘Tomorrow.’ I noticed that he barely even looked at my naked body as I slipped on my nightgown. The blackness within me threatened to well up and overcome me. We had hardly touched each other since Inga’s arrival. I swallowed hard and willed away my tears. Tears weren’t going to solve anything. Not any more.

‘Why?’

‘It’s Vati’s birthday in a couple of days. I’ve told my parents I’m coming for a week but I don’t know if I’m coming back.’ My voice caught. I wasn’t sure I could do this. If I went down this path, it very well could be the beginning of the end for us. I took a deep breath and steadied my nerves. ‘That depends on you, really. I can’t live like this any more. I don’t feel comfortable in my own home. I do everything around here and I’m tired of it.’

‘They’ve got nowhere to go, Lotte. They won’t be here forever, just until Inga gets on her feet.’

‘When will that be?’

‘I don’t know.’ He sighed, exasperated, and climbed into bed. ‘We’ve been through this so many times. I don’t have a crystal ball.’

‘Well, it doesn’t look like she’s trying very hard to me.’ My voice rose. ‘She’s happy enough to live off us. Why would she try?’

‘Have you thought about Eva and Walter?’ Eric’s voice was cold and I shuddered at his tone. He was right. Those poor children were the ones who sat in the middle of this mess, the ones who suffered the most. ‘I haven’t seen those children for seven years. Have you thought about me or about anyone but yourself?’

I turned to him then, ready to slap his face. ‘How dare you’ I whispered, shaking with the effort to keep my self-control. I was so angry that I was worried I would scream and wake the whole house. ‘I’ve given up so much for you. I’ve stayed by your side through everything and this is where I’ve ended up, living with your first and legal wife, who wants you back, and your mother, who I’m sure wants the same, cramped in a tiny house, working like a dog with two small children to contend with and the only time I see you alone is in bed when we’re both so exhausted we can’t even speak, let alone touch each other.’

‘Lotte,’ said Erich, reaching out to me, his expression stuck between anger and remorse.

‘Don’t. I don’t want to speak to you.’ I rolled onto my side and huddled into a ball, willing myself not to cry. I waited for him to come to me but he stayed on his side of the bed, as if we were separated by an ocean. I waited a long time, silent tears slipping from my eyes. I knew he was awake and yet he didn’t budge. I had my answer. He didn’t want to fight for me. I felt my heart break, like an unrelenting ache in my chest. I felt like I was drowning in emptiness. I forced myself to breathe, thinking about my girls. I had to be strong for them. Finally, in the small hours of the morning, sleep came to me.

I stayed with my parents for a couple of weeks. I moped about the apartment through the day and at night cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t believe that Erich of all people could treat me this way, that he couldn’t understand my discontent, my misery. He was always my champion and my rock.

Mutti could see I was on edge and for once declined to hound me about Erich. She never mentioned Heinrich either. Vati entertained the girls, who were delighted to explore München with him.

My thoughts went around and around unable to find a solution to my situation. If only Inga were gone, I was sure we could work our problems out. As far as I was concerned, she was the problem. The solicitor couldn’t tell me how much longer the divorce would take and part of me wondered if Erich found the delay quite acceptable. He had everything he wanted. All his children were together, his mother was with us and he had two women who both wanted him. Inga simpered and stroked his ego, playing up to his sense of responsibility, while I cooked and cleaned. Why would he change any of it?

Unless he did change our situation and prove his commitment to me and the girls, I couldn’t take much more.

I became more depressed as my desperation grew. Mutti’s worried glances and whispered conversations with Vati irritated me and finally, I lashed out at her, telling her I wanted to be left alone.

The very next day Mutti and Vati took the girls to visit some friends for the day, leaving me blissfully alone, to wallow further in my misery. All I could do was imagine Inga playing up to Erich, cooking for him, looking after him, offering comforting words about my absence, showing him she was better for him than me. I couldn’t be sure Karoline wouldn’t be complicit.

It was then that Heinrich chose to show up. Foolishly, I answered the door. Still in my dressing gown, my eyes red rimmed from crying and my nose raw from blowing, I was a mess. Heinrich looked immaculate as always.

‘What do you want?’ I snapped, highly embarrassed at him seeing me like this.

‘My mother asked me to drop these books off to your mother,’ he said, taken aback.

‘Still doing whatever your mother tells you, are you?’ I knew I was being unkind and unfair but between my misery and embarrassment, I didn’t know how to act.

‘Lotte, what’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ I dashed away the tears that came unbidden to my eyes. ‘Nothing that you need to worry about.’

‘Can I come in?’

I stared at him like he was talking another language.

‘Come on, talk to me like you used to. Maybe I can help.’

I shrugged listlessly, past the point of arguing, then stepped aside and let him pass, closing the door behind us.

We sat side by side on the settee in the parlour. I was too distressed to change my attire. I didn’t care how I looked. I was numb and stared into the distance while Heinrich made us tea. It gave us both something to do while he listened quietly as I told him what had been happening. I spoke haltingly at first, unsure that I wanted to expose my pain. The sympathy in Heinrich’s face was almost too much to bear. After talking to him for a time, I realised that all I wanted was someone to listen without judgement, a sympathetic ear, and I knew he would understand.

Once I began, the floodgates opened. The tears came then, along with the anger, despair and desolation. Heinrich offered me his handkerchief and that was enough to make me sob, unleashing the pent-up sorrow and loss I had buried within me. I was brokenhearted; unsure I could ever mend things with Erich.

It was only natural that Heinrich put his arms around me to comfort me and that I leant against his firm, broad chest for support. We were old friends after all. He was familiar and had consoled me like this many times before. It was habit and instinct that prevented me from pulling away immediately when he pressed his lips against mine.

‘Oh Lotte,’ he murmured.

Heinrich pulled me towards him. It felt good to be wanted, of course, but I had to resist. All I wanted was Erich here with me. His hands slid lower down to settle on my behind, drawing me closer even as I struggled, so there was little space between us.

Heinrich pushed my dressing gown impatiently aside, ripping open my nightgown. His hands were warm and smooth on my bare breasts. I didn’t want this – I only wanted Erich. My beloved husband, his green eyes brimming with love.