Erich pulled his hand away and grasped my face with both of his hands. ‘No, you did more than what was reasonable, more than most would have. I pushed you too far. Can you forgive me?’ His tone was despairing, his expression beseeching, his eyes daring to hope that we could breach the gap between us.

‘We both could have done things differently. Of course I forgive you but we have to work together. I never want anything to come between us again.’

Erich kissed me, long and deep. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’ Gently, he wiped the tears from my cheeks, gazing into my eyes. The fire between us was alive. I felt slightly breathless.

‘I don’t want to lose you either.’ I threw my arms around him and hugged him tight. ‘I love you. You mean everything to me.’

*

Shortly after Inga left, Erich lost his job. The American army unit he worked for at the Ordnance Depot was being deactivated.

‘As part of the reduction in force, due to a phase-out of installation,’ I read from the paperwork Erich gave me. ‘Where does that leave us?’

‘They’ve promised to find me another job.’ He raked his fingers through his salt and pepper hair. Erich was forty now, and still couldn’t find work in the aeronautic industry. The German air force was defunct and jobs in the commercial sector were hard to come by. He had tried to find a job as an aeronautical engineer but he was up against younger men, those who had recently trained through the universities.

It made me so frustrated and angry because I knew how good he was at his job and how passionate he was about aircraft. He had taken to flying gliders again at the airfield and that helped but he needed more.

‘How long will that take? What do we do in the meantime?’ I couldn’t help it. This was just added stress we didn’t need. We were happy together but the divorce still loomed over us like a dark cloud. We didn’t need to add further money worries to our problems. I had continued my casual secretarial work for the Americans but it too had dwindled to almost nothing. The ground beneath us was shifting and changing yet again. I was unsettled and, if I was honest with myself, frightened for the future.

Erich shook his head. ‘I don’t know. I have some annual leave pay that I’ve accrued. That will help, but we’ll have to pull in the belt a little until I have another job.’

‘If only I could get work as a photographer. Maybe we have to move back to München.’ Erich frowned. ‘Or some other city,’ I said quickly. He wasn’t keen to move anywhere near my mother or Heinrich. ‘Surely you could get work at one of the big airfields? I could work my way up to managing a studio and maybe even one day own one.’ I held my breath, watching for his reaction. This was my dream. Maybe it was time to make it real.

‘It doesn’t matter where we go. It’s like this all over Germany. I can’t see it improving any time soon. If I can’t get a job, photography won’t be enough to keep food on the table.’ He grasped my hand and squeezed gently. ‘I know how much you want to get back to it. Be patient a little longer. I know you will do it soon and I’ll be so proud of you.’

‘It’s all right,’ I said, knowing he was right, but feeling disappointed anyway. ‘Let’s find you a job first.’

‘Yes, but I’ve been wondering if the only other way is to leave Germany, to emigrate to a country that’s crying out for engineers like myself.’ He watched me warily. I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t have spoken if I wanted to. ‘Gerd from work told me that his son was making enquiries into going to Australia. You remember Barry Thompson? The Australian that’s been working at the depot with us?’

I nodded. Barry had been to our house for dinner once and I had seen him at the depot. I remembered his fantastic stories of jumping kangaroos and tree bears, sweeping, rugged coastlines and golden beaches, of red desert and thick bushland. It sounded magnificent but was essentially a wilderness. I dismissed his stories as delightful flights of fancy.

‘He’s been telling us all about Australia, how it’s crying out for skilled workers. It’s experiencing an economic boom. I could find work there and once we’re on our feet, we could buy a house and you could open up a photography studio.’ He brought my hand to his lips, kissing it gently, his eyes shining with the fantasy he was dreaming up. ‘We could even have another child. The boy we’ve always wanted, although another girl would be wonderful too.’

The breath caught in my throat and tears stung my eyes. After all these years I still felt grief at the loss of our son.

‘The girls could have a carefree, healthy life, in the wide open spaces and sunshine. Can you see it? It could be right for us.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I said, huffing in irritation that he could make such a wild and impractical suggestion. ‘The idea of uprooting our family and taking them far from everything they know is crazy. We’re not that desperate.’ But times were uncertain and Germany wasn’t what it used to be. It was a crippled nation, still down on its knees and we, its citizens, were suffering. Life was difficult and it would be for quite some time before things changed and life began to improve for the average person. ‘Besides, you couldn’t be parted from Eva and Walter now that you’ve found them again.’

Erich nodded. ‘It was just a thought. I’ll just have to take whatever work I can get with the Americans. It’s our best bet.’

*

A month later, the divorce papers arrived, the proceedings finalised over a year after they had begun. Karoline had gone to visit a friend and then collect the girls from school and Erich and I had the house to ourselves. Opening the divorce papers was the most exciting moment since the birth of Johanna. I stared at the words that allowed Erich to become a free man, finally.

‘At last.’

‘At last,’ he agreed. ‘Let’s toast to the future.’ Erich opened a bottle of champagne. I laughed as the cork popped, hitting the ceiling, the froth spilling over the mouth of the bottle. It was cheap champagne, not at all what I was used to, but he had brought it home for the occasion. It was a lovely gesture.

‘To the future,’ I said, after Erich had filled our glasses.

‘To us,’ Erich replied softly, clinking glasses with me. He held my gaze with those green eyes and I knew he was serious.

‘To us,’ I repeated.

The bubbles went straight to my head. I wasn’t used to drinking champagne any more.

‘I never thought this day would come,’ I told him, my feet on his lap as we sat on the lounge.

‘I was beginning to wonder myself.’

‘What are you going to do with yourself, now that you’re a free man?’ I teased, a little breathless, wondering if this was the time to discuss our plans.

‘Hmm…’ Erich pretended to think. ‘I could have my way with the gorgeous woman next to me without being branded an adulterer.’ He ran his hands up my leg.

‘Really? Now?’ My eyebrows rose in mock surprise. Life had returned to normal for us after Inga’s departure but an underlying tension had remained and our spontaneity had all but disappeared.

‘We have the house to ourselves and we have a very special celebration.’ His hand rose higher and I closed my eyes, feeling the passion welling inside of me, like a river that had been dammed for too long.

Afterwards I lay in a haze of pleasure, limp and languid, happy and satisfied. What an afternoon it had been. Erich, lying on his side, his head resting in his hand, reached out to touch me, as if to make sure I was really there. I understood that feeling, rolling onto my side to look at him. He was staring at me with such intensity, like he was imprinting this moment in his memory. I slid my hand over his ribcage to his back, his skin warm and damp. We would need to get up and attend to the girls soon.

His forehead against mine, we stared into each other’s eyes and straight into each other’s soul. ‘Will you marry me?’ he murmured.

A thrill rushed up my spine, exploding into millions of tiny bubbles that fizzed through my blood. His eyes were sure and still, peaceful and calm. Waiting.

‘Yes,’ I said, grinning from ear to ear. ‘I will marry you.’

Erich’s face broke into a dazzling smile that took my breath away. His lips reached for mine, kissing me deeply.

Epilogue

October 1956


Clutching Greta’s and Johanna’s hands, I stood at the railing of the Skaubryn, jostled by the many other emigrants vying for a position to say goodbye to their loved ones. Already the noise was deafening. Amongst the continuous shouting back and forth, wails of despair and tears of grief surrounded us. It was overwhelming. Erich was behind me, holding me steady, keeping us safe. I could feel the weight of him against me as he was pushed forward by the surging crowd.

Even in the frigid North Sea breeze, a fine sweat broke out on my brow. My skin was clammy and hot and I felt faint. Maybe it was the frantic activity around me and the push and shove of the crowd but I thought not. This was the point of no return. My anxiety began to soar – had we really been so desperate to consider this?

‘Look, Mutti,’ shouted Greta, pulling on my arm. ‘See the crane? It’s lifting the bridge away from the ship.’

My heart started to race. In a few moments, any chance I had to stand once again on Germany’s soil would be behind me.

‘I can’t see,’ whined Johanna, trying to balance on tip-toes, craning her neck to see over the rail. She wasn’t as tall as her sister.

‘Here,’ said Erich, his voice almost in my ear. ‘Come on. Climb up on the bottom rail, so you can see.’