Molly Ryan - A Real Disaster

“What is it Sabrina?” I asked.

“Why are you so lame?” she asked.

“Because I’m not a tool. I don’t like to fit in because it’s the supposedly ‘cool’ thing to do.”

Unlike you.

Even as I was saying those words, they began to feel like a lie.

“But that’s so… Weird,” Sabrina said. “Why did you dorm here if you’re going to be a hermit? The whole point of living in a dorm is to get out of who you used to be and become someone completely different!”

I paused, taking Sabrina’s words in. The girl who collected My Little Pony dolls was telling me to fit in? To have the ‘whole college experience’ and not to be a ‘hermit’? Part of me wanted to yell at her, tell her that she knew nothing about me.

Another part of me, a bigger part of me, wondered what it would be like to invent a whole new person. To shed the good girl image I carved so lovingly in the past and embrace another side of me. I went day by day being a good girl and questioning nothing. But now, miles away from my house, my good girl image was becoming suffocating. Good girls got good grades but I wasn’t having fun.

“So, let’s say that I didn’t want to be a hermit and I wanted to be someone different. How would I go about doing that?”

Sabrina and Elizabeth looked at me, surprise written all over their faces.

“But you like being the goody two shoes,” Sabrina said. “You said so yourself.”

“I can change my mind, can’t I?” I asked.

Neither girl said a word, they just stared at me, and I sighed.

“Listen I’m a good girl because that’s all I know... I never thought about being anyone different. I never wanted to be anyone different. But that was in high school and I’m not in high school anymore. I chose a college far away from my home so that my status wouldn’t follow me only to realize I brought it along with its own luggage.”

They continued to stare.

“So…”

I swallowed…gulped really. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do.

“So I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to go through college with no real adventure or experience. I want to have stories when I graduate, not just good grades.”

Sabrina looked at Elizabeth and I was sure that she was going to turn to me and throw some nasty comment my way. To my surprise, though, she didn’t. Instead, Sabrina crossed the room and flopped on the bed, throwing her arm around me.

“I can help you,” Sabrina said. “Isn’t that what roommates are supposed to do?  And anyway, all I wanted this whole time is to be friends with you.”

Yeah right.

“You have a funny way of showing it,” I said and Sabrina took the comment as a joke.

“Yeah well I’m a bitch, what do you want from me?” she said.

She pointed at Elizabeth.

“How about going out with us this weekend?”

“This weekend?” I repeated.

“Yeah… The concert.”

Sabrina wiggled her eyes suggestively and my heart constricted. What did I get myself into?

“It’s the perfect way to get out of your shell. Everyone is going to be at this concert, you know that. So if you go to the concert with your brand new image no one will ever know that you were once a goody two shoes.”

“Umm…”

“Come on. Just try to have fun for one night. Please?”

“I guess,” I said, but wasn’t so sure.

Did I really trust Sabrina to help me? What if she used my problem for her own gain and made me look like a blubbering idiot after all?

“Don’t worry, I know exactly where to start. Do you trust me?” Sabrina asked, grinning.

No.

“Sure,” I said and pasted a smile on my face.

Sabrina started talking about my make-up, hair, and clothes. She was naming so many things that I had trouble keeping up. This wasn’t extreme makeover.  I was just going to a party. Finally I tuned Sabrina out, realizing that she wasn’t talking to me as much as talking to herself, and let my mind wander.

What would my parents say if they found out that I was changing? What would they think if they found out that I was going to concerts and partying it up? They would drive here immediately and drag me back home by my hair. In the blink of an eye I would be enrolled in the first all-girls college that my mother could find. Neither of my parents would believe the ‘it’s all part of the college experience’ story.

What would I tell them if they asked me why I wanted to do it? How could I explain to my parents that I hated being the good girl and I wanted to experience life? I wanted to meet people and have fun. They wouldn’t understand that because neither of my parents tried to have fun. They were okay with sitting at home any night of the week, doing nothing but watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune and Golden Girls.

Would I tell them that, for once, I wanted to fit in? I wanted to be going with the crowd instead of against it. How did I expect them to understand it when I didn’t even understand it myself? It was ludicrous!

I should tell Sabrina that I had a change of heart. I’ll just tell her that image really isn’t me and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about what my parents would think. At least I won’t disappoint them. I could just not tell them but parents find out everything somehow.

 “Lily, are you listening?” Sabrina asked suddenly.

Her voice snapped me back to the present and I stared at my roommate. The words were at the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t utter them. Deep down I knew I needed to at least try going out and it didn’t matter what it would do to my parents. I couldn’t worry about them. It had to be one or the other and this time I decided that it was going to be me.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” I said as I ran my hand through my hair. “I got a little distracted.”

Sabrina sighed but, surprisingly, kept her nasty retorts to herself.

“I said that we need to go shopping for you. Tonight. You can’t keep going around campus with what you are wearing now. You need something sexy that shows off that body of yours.”

“Shopping?” I stuttered. "I hate shopping."

"Come on. We don't have to be there all day."

"Well, I don't have much money so I won't be able to buy much."

"Then we can just shop for deals. How's that sound?"

I hadn't been shopping for a while. In high school I only went to the mall to eat at Bennigan's with my parents. Then we would shop afterward. It sounded like a lot more fun going with the girls.

"Okay, let's go. But only for a few hours."

"Deal."

By the time Sabrina and I got back to the dorm rooms I was exhausted. My head hurt from the scents and sounds of women shopping and gossiping. My arms hurt from changing in and out of clothes at a rapid pace. All in all I felt like I was run over by a Mack truck. Sabrina, on the other hand, was still as bouncy and happy as she was when we entered the store six hours ago. She was like the energizer bunny; she kept going and going and going. I flopped down on my bed, too tired to so much more than lie down. Sabrina flittered around the room putting her clothes away and whistling.

“So how hot is the card for you Sabrina?” I asked with a grin.

Sabrina looked at me and laughed.

“I mean, by the work out that the card got today, I’m surprised that it hasn’t disintegrated yet.”

“Yeah well the card is in very good shape. I make sure of that every month or so. It gets a physical, you know.”

 “Every few months?” I asked, shocked.

Sabrina goes shopping every few months? For what? What could she possibly need that badly to go shopping for? I never shopped unless I really needed something. There were times that I was so stubborn that I didn’t go shopping until I had only one thing left to use.

“How much do you spend then?”

“Just as much as I did today,” she admitted. “Sometimes more.”

More?! She spent nearly two thousand dollars on herself.

“And your father doesn’t notice?” I asked.

“Nope. I told you, my dad goes through money like it’s water. He’ll never miss the money now or any other time.”

“Wow,” I said.

I wasn’t sure if I was in awe or if I was disgusted. I never met anyone who had that much money, let alone able to spend that kind of money without a second thought.

“But it was worth it, don’t you think?” Sabrina asked and I knew that I was supposed to nod my head.

It didn’t matter if I really thought it was a good idea. Sabrina, I learned, liked to know that she was right with whatever she suggested. Underneath the party girl, Sabrina seemed to have  really low self-esteem. During our shopping trip she pulled me over to the side and explained that she had been a good girl. She had been a geek, a nerd. Sabrina ate in the bathroom every day at school just to keep from getting teased and bullied. She was overweight and covered in acne. High school was horrible for Sabrina and she refused to let college be the same thing. So she got skinny, took care of her acne, and became outgoing.

“I guess so. It was fun.”

“Do you like what you got?”

“I love them!” I said and smiled. “Even if I had to shop for deals. Thanks for taking me out.”

“No problem. I needed it as much as you.” Sabrina shrugged. “And now you can get rid of all of your lame clothes. They are disgusting, you know.”

She stuck out her tongue and shuddered.

“I thought that I was going to have to burn them when you were at class one day.”

“Nice, Sabrina. Great way to start the year.”