Lucy Gordon - His Pretend Wife

‘No, I’m going to give it to you now. I knew I’d seen you somewhere before as soon as we met, and now it’s come to me. It’s you in that photograph.’

‘What photograph?’

‘The one Andrew keeps with him. Or I should say one of the ones he keeps with him. There’s about a dozen of them. Him and this girl with masses of blonde hair, sitting together, their arms around each other, kissing. And sometimes just her on her own. He didn’t know that I knew. I found them in his desk drawer one day, and I never told him. So you were the ghost.’

‘The ghost?’

‘Andrew’s ghost, the one that’s always haunted him. I knew soon after we married that there was someone else. I don’t mean another woman in the conventional sense, but a secret ghost in his heart that he visited sometimes, and came back looking sad. I was arrogant enough to think I could drive her away, but I never could, because she was the one he loved.’

‘Myra, I’m sure you’re wrong about this-’

‘No, I’m not wrong. It’s your face.’

‘Yes, it’s me, but the rest-we were children. At least, I was.’

‘But he wasn’t,’ Myra said shrewdly. ‘One thing I know about Andrew, he gives all of himself to everything. It’s exhausting to live with, but the one who really gets dragged through the mill is Andrew.’

‘Yes,’ Elinor murmured. ‘It was like that. I did love him but I was seventeen and all of him was more than I could cope with. If we’d met later-’ She sighed.

‘Has he been a ghost for you too, then?’

‘All the time,’ she said slowly, realising that it was true. ‘I never meant to keep thinking of him, but somehow he wouldn’t go away. I could never forget how badly I’d treated him and it spoiled everything else. And his face on the last day-yes, I suppose that’s been my ghost.’

‘And you’re not going to look me in the eyes and say you don’t still love him, are you?’ Myra demanded, blithely ignoring the miles separating them.

‘Myra-’

‘Of course you’re not. It stands out a mile. There was always a third person in our marriage,’ she added, without rancour. ‘It’s fascinating to meet her after all this time.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault. Andrew and I should never have married. Once you’d had the “all” there wasn’t much left for anyone else. What happens next is up to you, but for Andrew’s sake I hope you get your act together. Bye, sweetie. Have a nice birthday.’ She hung up.

Elinor set down the phone, her mind whirling. It couldn’t be true. Myra had somehow got it wrong. And yet there was something in the word ‘ghost’ that had caught at her heart. She’d been haunted since the day of their parting, and of course Andrew had been haunted too.

But he’d been cured when they’d met again and he’d seen how she’d changed. She must remember that.

Both children were persuaded to sleep the afternoon away, under the dire threat of having to leave the funfair early. They set out in the early evening, with both youngsters bright-eyed and eager.

Andrew was an unexpected success. The same skills that made him a surgeon made him score bull’s-eyes at the coconut shy, which he did so often that the harassed owner ordered him off, to the children’s hilarity.

‘Oh, look, Mummy, there’s a big wheel.’ Hetta tugged on Elinor’s hand. ‘Can we go on it?’

‘It looks awfully big, darling,’ Elinor said, looking up doubtfully.

‘That’s the idea,’ Andrew observed, following her gaze. ‘You’re not scared, are you, Ellie?’

‘You know I am,’ she said softly.

She wondered what was happening. There was something different about Andrew tonight, as though he was determined to provoke her memories.

‘Come along,’ Daisy carolled, leading the way to the entrance. Simon and Hetta went with her, and the three of them piled in together.

‘Come along,’ Andrew said, taking Elinor’s hand, and soon they were in the seat just behind the others.

Then they were off, sailing silently upward, higher and higher, until they reached the top and began the stomach-churning descent. But her nerves seemed unimportant because Andrew’s arm was about her shoulders, drawing her close.

‘Andrew, we agreed-I’m just an employee.’

‘No, you agreed that. Tonight you’re Ellie. You’ve always been Ellie. You always will be. Do you remember?’ he whispered as his lips brushed on hers.

‘Yes, everything.’

‘Do you remember what I said to you that night?’

‘You said you’d been plotting for ages how to kiss me.’

“‘And I’m such a coward that I waited until now, when you can’t escape,”’ he quoted. ‘I’m no braver now. I had to do it again. Kiss me, Ellie. Kiss me for ever.’

She couldn’t resist any longer. She threw her arms about him, kissing him fiercely as she had done that first time, while the wheel spun and the stars rained down on them.

EVERYONE agreed that it had been the best night out ever. At home they toasted the occasion in hot chocolate before Daisy and Elinor chivvied the children upstairs.

‘Then I’m going straight to bed myself,’ Daisy said.

‘Me too,’ Elinor agreed. ‘Goodnight, Andrew.’

The jollity continued as they climbed the stairs and put their giggling charges to bed. They didn’t want the day to end, but at last they dropped off to sleep. Elinor kissed Daisy goodnight and went to her own room.

She undressed mechanically, trying to sort out her turbulent thoughts, but knowing it was impossible. Something had happened tonight that had brought about a change in Andrew. It had been happening gradually, she realised, but tonight was different. On top of the wheel he’d spoken of having no courage, but he’d acted like a man who’d finally decided to take his courage in his hands.

When the soft knock came on her door she knew she’d been listening for it for a long time.

Andrew stood there looking hesitant until she stood back for him to pass. He was still dressed in the trousers and shirt he’d worn all evening, the shirt open at the throat. He had something in his hand.

‘There’s something you ought to see,’ he said, offering it to her.

It was an envelope, containing the very photographs Myra had described to her over the phone. Elinor went through them slowly. There were the two of them in each other’s arms, oblivious to whoever had been holding the camera, oblivious to all the world but each other.

‘We were so young,’ she murmured. ‘I always knew that I was, but you too-I never realised. Why do you bring me these now?’

‘Because I understand you already know about them.’

She stared at him. ‘Myra?’

‘She called me and said she’d spoken to you earlier.’

‘Did she tell you what she’d said to me?’

‘The gist of it. Enough to make it clear that I couldn’t put this off any longer. There’s so much I want to say to you, and I’ve delayed saying it in case it drove you away.’

‘Is it about the past?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you think we should risk it? Is there any more to say?’

‘There’s this to say. Ellie-do you think you can ever forgive me?’

‘Shouldn’t it be me asking you for forgiveness?’

‘No. Everything that happened was my fault. You were so young. You wanted to enjoy yourself and explore life, as you had every right to. And I tried to tie you down long before you were ready.

‘Everything you said about me that day was right. I tried to order your life to suit myself. My only excuse is that I knew how badly I needed you. You were my lifeline to the rest of the world. I’d put work and study before everything, and I’d ignored a whole side of myself to do it. Then you brought that part of me back to life, and I knew I had to keep you with me, at all costs. But what I never saw, or wouldn’t let myself see, was that the cost was paid by you.

‘I drove you into Jack Smith’s arms. But for me you’d never have looked at him. Which means that all the bad things that have happened to you since then have been my fault.’

‘No, that’s too hard. What about what I did to you?’

‘Nothing I didn’t deserve. If I’d been more patient, instead of grabbing at you, we might have stayed together, and been together now.’

‘Andrew, that time I went to the island with Jack, nothing happened. He tried, but he got his face slapped. I wouldn’t have done that to you.’

‘Thank you. It’s odd, after all these years, how much it still means to hear you say that.’

‘I wanted you to be the first, and you should have been.’

‘Yes, if I hadn’t been so smugly determined that my way was right, we could just have found a flat together until you were ready to commit yourself.’

‘Lived as brother and sister, you mean?’ she asked, gently teasing.

‘Blow that! I could barely keep my hands off you, and you made it as hard as you could.’

She stood still a moment, thinking of that time and the life they might have had. ‘If only…’ she said longingly.

‘There are a million if onlys,’ he said, stroking her hair.

‘If only we’d met a few years later. Just think-’

‘I do think,’ he said harshly. ‘And then I try not to think of it, because it’s the way to go mad. For a while after it happened I believe I actually did go crazy. I turned myself into an automaton. I shut off every softer feeling because I had no use for them any more. When I allowed myself to feel emotions again I made sure they were kept in neat order.

‘But then I saw you that day in the hospital corridor, and my whole orderly world went haywire. When we talked and I heard how you’d been forced to live I knew what I’d done to you. I was beside myself, but at least I had the chance to help you. I thought I’d do the operation, Hetta would recover, we’d go our separate ways and I’d feel better about you.