Cristiane Serruya - Trust: Betrayed

“Hey, it’s okay,” he murmured on her hair. “You have nothing to fear from me. I only want what’s best for you.”

He kept his hips away from her body concealing his arousal and there was no sexual innuendo in his embrace. Just tenderness. His hand stroked the length of her loose hair, soothing her fears, and he curled his fingers under her chin, lifting her face, “Do you want to go?”

“No.” The word was raspy. Sophia cleared her throat. “No. I think that we have to talk, Ethan. Really.”

Jesus, Sophia! He saw the determination on her face and knew that nothing good was coming from that talk. His arms fell to his side, defeated, and he moved to the Chinese lacquered bar. “Do you want something to drink?” She shook her head. “An espresso, perhaps?”

“Yes, please.”

He prepared two as she walked to the balcony, looking at Ipanema Beach. It had stopped raining. She slid the doors open and sat on the spacious and comfortable reclining chair outside.

He sat beside her, handing her the cup. They drank in silence and when he finished his coffee, he put his cup on the floor. He leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs. His baritone voice was very low when he confessed, “I was devastated when we broke up. It was a rough time, Sophia. Then I decided it’d be easier to let it go. But it wasn’t. It isn’t. It’s awful,” he said vehemently. “And when I saw you at the airport, devastated too, I thought I had another chance. But you love him, don’t you?”

Sophia stood and went to the edge of the balcony, looking at the wonderful view. In one sweeping landscape, she could see all the way from the Dois Irmãos mountains to Arpoador. “You know, Ethan, I miss this city. This beautiful, beautiful city.” She turned to him. “I miss the Carioca happy way of living. My friends. My family. I miss it all. But... It was in this same city that I was robbed of happiness in the most savage way. So, I am not coming back unless for a brief visit, no matter my... saudades. No matter how much I miss it.”

He had put his chin on the palm of his hand and was drinking in her expressive face.

“Why am I telling you this? Because, it’s the same with us.” She sat again by his side and put a finger on his lips, when they opened. “Let me finish, please. This,” she motioned from her to him, “us, I mean, has nothing to do with Alistair MacCraig. It belonged to us and it’s going to stay only between us. I like you, Ethan. I do. But as a friend and a business partner. If you can’t understand and respect my decision... I’ll miss you, but this is it. The end.”

I will never let you go. Never. He closed his eyes so she wouldn’t see the resolve inside them. He said huskily, “You’ve got me, Sophia. The way you wish. Any way.” His hand gripped hers and tightened fractionally. “Can’t you feel that you command my will like I’ve never let anyone else do?”

Sophia sucked in a breath when he fixed her with his gaze.

“Sometimes,” he was watching her face with searing intensity, “I feel that I can hardly breathe without you.” His beautiful azure eyes revealed his inner turmoil. He was struggling with his emotions. “Your life is an asset, Sophia,” he whispered. “Be careful that your decisions don’t make you a liability.”

Are you threatening me? “You said you wanted what is best for me. I want the same. What is best for you. You need to move on. I’m not coming back to you, Ethan.”

That’s what you think. “I see,” he traced the ring on her finger. “Friends, then?” I’ll indulge you, Sophia. For now.

“Friends,” she answered, lifting from the reclining chair and taking out her iPhone from her purse to call her driver. “I must go. I have a full day tomorrow.”

“I’ll walk you downstairs,” he said picking up the door card from the side table. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his navy trousers to avoid snatching her in a hard kiss. “When are you returning to London?”

“I don’t know. I’ haven’t decided yet. And you?”

I don’t know. “I’m returning to São Paulo tomorrow morning and I’ll be back in the evening. Do you have plans for the weekend?”

The elevator doors opened.

I have but I’m not telling you. “I’ll probably stay with my grandmother. I haven’t seen her since New Year’s.”

Ethan nodded. He splayed his hand possessively around her hip when he noticed male heads turning to look covetingly at her and enviously at him, when they walked past the hotel’s exclusive night club and along the white linen curtained corridor toward the hotel entrance. We make a perfect pair.

He accompanied her to her black Mercedes 600 Pullman Guard. Zareb was holding the door open for her, scanning the perimeter with hawk eyes.

Ethan kissed her on the cheek and stayed there watching her pull out, examining his thoughts.

From their first time together, he’d known Sophia would be his ruination.

After all the changes she had evoked in him, he barely recognized himself sometimes.

To get her back, he would do anything.

And he was willing to find out how far he would go.

Alistair MacCraig’s Apartment.

Thursday, April 8^th, 2010.

3.49 a.m.

Alistair tossed and turned in the bed. His depressed musings had been keeping him awake since Tuesday.

Aggravated, he switched on the light and flung his body out of the bed. He walked to his desk in the living room to search for his phone. He turned it on and scrolled for Sophia’s and Gabriela’s photos.

A long time passed while he caressed each photo and thought about what he was going to say to her when they finally met again.

He went back to bed and turned off the lamp on the bedside table. His desolated thoughts got worse in the dark. He exhaled slowly, expelling all the air from his lungs.

Half an hour later, he rose again and walked back to the living room. This time he turned on the TV and started to flip through the channels for something interesting to see. He had to find a diversion.

How is it possible to feel sickness from someone’s absence? He needed her gentle touch, drawing random designs on his chest as she fell asleep. Her soft lips kissing him good night and then good morning. He needed her.

He grabbed his cell phone again and started to text.

4.29 Alistair: Sophia, love. We have to talk. I can explain the things you found in my dressing room. Davidoff showed me what you researched on your computer. I’m not like that, I’m not that extreme. And I don’t need it, I need you. Please, call me.

4.35 Alistair: You’re breaking my heart, Sophia. You promised to take good care of it, remember? Don’t do this to me, please.

4.41 Alistair: I can’t live without you, mo chridhe. Please, call me. I love you.

He grimaced as two green ticks notified him that each of his WhatsApps had been delivered and read, but no response came.

He rose and went to bed, taking the phone with him.

I love you, Sophia. Was Alistair’s last thought before he finally closed his eyes for sleep.

Dr. Andrew Volk’s Office.

9.41 a.m.

“To feel lonely is to be overwhelmed by an unbearable feeling of separateness, at a very deep level. To some degree, it is a totally normal emotion, a part of growing up. Your loneliness, which has been caused by extraordinary circumstances, is somehow all your own fault. First your loss, then your lack of trust, your fear of entering another relationship and your numbness are the main causes of your feeling lonely,” Dr. Volk patiently waited for Alistair to reply.

“You’re right. I didn’t want to be tied down. I didn’t want anyone in my life again. I was more than lonely. And that’s the way I wished it to be. That’s what I deserved,” Alistair sighed. “Maybe it’s a cliché, but I felt lonely even in a crowd.”

“A cliché maybe, but it’s also painfully true. Someone who is constantly surrounded by people may still feel desperately lonely. I have many patients that seek my help for overwhelming feelings of loneliness and they have an active social life, a busy job, sometimes even a stable relationship and a family.”

“But then she appeared. As sunshine does after a storm.” Alistair’s eyes glazed with memories. “And suddenly my life wasn’t the same anymore. I tried to drag her into my long line of one-night stands. She resisted. I tried to push her away with-” He looked up at Doctor Volk and said bitterly, “I engaged her in bondage-dominant sex. Then, the next day, I assaulted her. She forgave me. She. Forgave. Me,” he repeated softly to himself looking down at his hands.

“Hmm. And that is wrong? Forgiveness?”

Alistair looked up and cleared his throat. “I don’t know. She persisted in the relationship. Finally, a few days ago, I tried to beat her with a crop.”

“And?”

Alistair told Dr. Volk how Sophia had been very determined to maintain her position and what she did to him after; how he had lost control and, for the first time in his life, had let a woman take charge in bed and how much he’d liked it. He told him how much he was hurting without Sophia.

“I’m glad.”

Alistair gave him a suffered look, “What for?”

“Because it shows that you are human. For once, you had a relationship that wasn’t ruled by you or your cold logic. And maybe Sophia brought it out in you. Maybe she makes you care enough to let go of Heather and your feelings of guilt. Also, I can fully understand why she left.”

Alistair raised an eyebrow.