N. Walters - Stroke of Sapphire

She had a lot of questions to ask, but was reluctant to break the companionable silence that existed between them. Still, she’d never been a coward and wasn’t about to start now. “I did some research online today.” After she’d gotten home from her meeting with Topaz, she’d done some digging around on the internet, trying to come to grips with what Jake had told her. She’d seen some strange and slightly disturbing things while researching BDSM websites.

“About what?” He finished his first slice and started another. His gaze was steady as he watched her. Sapphire picked up her wine and had a sip, letting the fruity flavor tickle her taste buds before sliding down her throat.

“About the whole control in the bedroom thing.” She took a deep breath and blurted out her question. “Are you into the whole BDSM thing? You know, with leather and whips and stuff?” Because she wasn’t sure she could handle anything that hardcore.

He set down the slice of pizza he was holding. “What gave you that idea?”

She frowned at him. “I suppose it was your whole lecture on needing control in the bedroom and me not being able to handle it.” What else was she supposed to think?

He dragged his fingers through his hair. “Hell no. Not that there’s anything wrong with it if it’s what people want, but I don’t understand the attraction and, frankly, I wouldn’t get any joy out of it.”

Sapphire was totally confused. “Then what did you mean?”

Jake’s chair scraped back and he stood. He held out his hand and said nothing. Slowly, she got to her feet and slid her hand into his. He scooped her into his arms and carried her into the living room, bypassing the sofa and heading straight to the disreputable looking chair. From the sad state of this particular piece of furniture, she could tell it was his favorite.

He sat and settled her comfortably in his lap. His jaw was dark with beard stubble and she reached out and ran her fingers over it, unable to resist. The rasp was an erotic caress against her skin. He captured her hand and kissed her knuckles before setting it against his heart. The beat was steady and strong. Comforting.

“I’m not into the whole BDSM scene,” he began, and she found herself relaxing against him, releasing a low sigh of relief.

“Then what is it you want?” She truly wanted to understand him and what made him walk away from her the first time. She had to know if she was going to be able to give him another chance.

They might have been intimate the other night, but it took more than sex to have a relationship. It took understanding, respect and liking as well.

He ran his free hand up and down her thigh, momentarily distracting her. Sapphire was glad she’d worn pants and not a skirt or she’d probably be in danger of forgetting about this entire conversation. His hand on her bare skin always felt so good.

“I spent twenty years in the army, and a good chunk of that time I was in hostile territory.”

“I know.” She was glad she hadn’t known him then or she wasn’t sure she’d have been able to handle the stress of knowing he was in constant danger. She didn’t know how military spouses found the strength to deal with it day after day. She had a great deal of respect for them.

“There’s a lot of things out of your control during a mission. So you control what you can and plan for all other possibilities.”

Sapphire nodded but said nothing, not wanting him to stop talking. She’d thought a lot about what working as a sniper all those years must have been like. And she knew her imagination couldn’t come anywhere close to the truth.

“I lived minute to minute, second to second. Sometimes never knowing what was going to happen. I learned that being in control of myself and my surroundings helped me deal with things better.”

She could understand that. She rubbed her hand over his chest, wanting to comfort him in some small way, knowing this conversation was the turning point in their relationship. Dread and hope warred within her, and she had no idea which one was going to win.

He laughed, but it wasn’t a pleasant sound. “I’m what you might call a bit of a control freak. Great for a sniper, not so great in a relationship.” He briefly closed his eyes. He seemed tired and she wished she could do something to help him, but she knew letting him talk was the best thing for both of them.

His gaze captured hers and she sucked in a breath at the torment she saw in his eyes. “I need to be in control in order to relax enough to enjoy sex. Do you understand what I’m saying to you?”

His confession shocked her. “You mean you can’t achieve orgasm unless you’re in charge in the bedroom.”

He nodded. “If I feel out of control, then my need for sex disappears and it becomes all about regaining control.” He gave her a rueful smile. “There are some women who find that kind of thing a turn-on the first few times, but they get tired of it eventually. I’ve been called a control freak and just plain scary by a few old girlfriends. I stopped dating before I even left the military.”

Sapphire knew her jaw was hanging open. To imagine a man as virile and wholly masculine as Jake going for months or longer without sex was unbelievable. “You mean, you stopped—” She couldn’t figure out a good way to ask him if he’d stopped having sex.

A quick grin flashed across his face before disappearing. “You should see the look on your face, babe. I won’t lie. I’ve had a few one-night stands along the way, but those left me cold and I eventually stopped. I haven’t had a woman in my life full-time for about a decade.

“The last time I tried it ended badly. She tried her best, but couldn’t handle what I needed from her.” He sighed and a deep sadness seemed to engulf him before he shook off the memory. “I heard she ended up in therapy. I figured I was better off alone.”

“But…” She still couldn’t wrap her mind around what he was telling her.

“Don’t be so surprised. I’m disciplined, especially after spending so many years in hostile lands far away from women. I can use my hand when I have to.”

His blunt assessment of the situation didn’t surprise her. This was Jake, the man who did what needed doing. She’d trusted him with her life and would again. But he didn’t totally trust her. Whether he realized it or not, his issue was really about trust. He didn’t trust himself with anyone. Could she live with that?

She wasn’t one of those women who were stupid enough to go into a relationship thinking she could change a man. That way led to heartache. If he changed somewhere down the road it would be because he wanted to, and odds were good that he would never change. He was forty years old and knew his strengths and weaknesses well, maybe even better than most because of everything he’d lived through.

“Sapphire.” He caught her chin and lifted it until their gazes were level. She lost herself in his pale-blue eyes. They were usually clear and emotionless, but not tonight. Tonight they blazed with longing, with need, for her. “Will you stay with me?”

She knew what he was asking her. If she stayed tonight, she was agreeing to let him have control of her, to do whatever he asked of her, whenever he asked it.

She nibbled on her bottom lip as uncertainty ate at her. “Only in the bedroom, right?” She needed to understand the parameters of this thing before they started.

His fingers stroked through her dark curls and he pulled her face closer to his. “I love your independent spirit, your creativity, your light. I wouldn’t change a single thing about you, Sapphire.”

“But?” She could hear the unspoken word.

“But sometimes I can be a bit overbearing and pushy outside the bedroom too.”

“Nooo,” she teased. “Not you.”

His lips curved into a sheepish grin. “I guess that comes as no surprise.”

She leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. “Jake, you were my bodyguard for weeks. You’re autocratic and overbearing at times.” He tensed but she ignored it and continued. “But you’re also kind and funny and sexy as all get out. I know who you are. As long as you don’t expect me to obey you outside the bedroom we’ll be fine.” She leaned back and smiled. “Outside the bedroom, we’ll just fight like normal couples when you get domineering or heavy-handed.”

He laughed and hugged her tight. “I expect you’re right.” All laughter faded when he cupped her face. “Give yourself to me.”

This was it. The moment of truth was at hand. Was she ready and willing to give herself, body and soul, over to Jake? Because that’s what it would take. There would be no holding back once they started making love. He would demand everything from her, and he needed it in order to find his own enjoyment.

Could she do this? Could she not?

The air practically snapped with tension. Every muscle in Jake’s body hardened, including his cock, which pressed heavily against her hip. He was making no effort to hide how much he wanted her.

She stared into his eyes, took a deep breath and jumped off the relationship cliff. “Yes.”

A sense of apprehension filled him and he was barely able to breathe as he waited for Sapphire to make up her mind about whether she would stay or go. Jake berated himself for giving her an ultimatum so soon. He should have taken her on dates to the movies or out for dinner, given her time to get used to him. They’d spent a lot of time together, but he’d been working then, protecting her.

He’d been her bodyguard and, more recently, her lover, but never her boyfriend. What an insipid word for the hot, smoldering mass of emotion boiling within him—boyfriend. He didn’t want to be her boyfriend. He wanted her tied to him emotionally and sexually and every way possible, to know that she belonged to him and with him, that he had the right to warn off any other man who looked at her.