Tracy Wolff - Shredded

I close my eyes, wait for the overwhelming sense of relief to flood me, but it never comes. I’m sick of hiding, sick of running, sick of burying my fucking head and pretending the past never happened. April died. She fucking died in a way no one should ever have to die. And I’ve spent the last eleven years being too big of a fucking pussy to fucking acknowledge that. To fucking deal with it.

A tear leaks out from beneath my lashes, and Mitch clears his throat uncomfortably. “You okay?”

I dash it away with the back of my hand. Clear my throat. “Yeah, man. Thanks.”

“No problem.” I hear the rustling of foil, open my eyes to see him clearing up the food mess. “I should probably let you get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow, when you’re feeling a little better.”

“Yeah, okay. Sure.”

He tosses the trash, then nearly runs from the room after telling me to call him if I need anything. Nice. It takes real skill to drive your girlfriend and your agent away within hours of each other, if I do say so myself.

The thought of Ophelia shreds me all over again, and I reach for my phone. I can’t help it. I check my messages, my voicemail. Nothing. She hasn’t texted, hasn’t called.

Because you’re a prick, the little voice inside me says. You’re a piece of shit who deserves to have her walk. You’ve never deserved her. Never really had her.

I start to put the phone down. Hell, I start to throw the stupid piece of shit against the nearest wall again. But in the end, I can’t. Because I still want her. Fucked up as I am, worthless as I am, I still need her. I don’t even want to talk about how pathetic that makes me.

In the end, I can’t help myself. I pull up her contact information and type in a quick text. Then, before I can talk myself out of it, I hit send.

I spend the rest of the night with the phone clutched in my hand, waiting for her to text back.

She never does.

There’s a knock on the door—the fourth of the night—but I just ignore it the same way I have the others. I’m in Z’s hotel room, not sure where else to go, and I figure anyone knocking on his door doesn’t want to talk to me anyway.

The knock comes again, harder this time, like an open palm slamming against the door. Then Cam’s voice calling, “I know you’re in there, Ophelia. Open the fucking door.”

Afraid something has happened to Z—something worse than what he’s already suffered, I mean—I rush to the door. Throw it open. And get a fist to my face for my trouble.

“You bitch,” Cam spits out as I stumble backward under the strength of her punch. “I should kick your ass right now.”

I touch my eye gingerly. It hurts, and I think I can feel it swelling already. Awesome. “I’m pretty sure you already have.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet.” But she doesn’t hit me again. Instead she slams the door behind her and just looks at me, arms crossed over her chest and an ugly sneer on her normally too-cute face.

“If that’s all you wanted to do, you should probably go.”

“Don’t tempt me,” she snarls. But she doesn’t make another move toward me. Instead she walks over to the minibar, pulls out a small bottle of vodka, and pours it into a glass. “You know, I just don’t get you,” she says after taking a long sip.

“That’s okay. I don’t get you, either.” She’s in love with Z, probably has been forever. I figured it out a few days ago and then everything made sense. Why she told me about the bet, her sudden animosity toward me, everything. Which is why she should be throwing a party right about now. I’m out of the picture and the path is wide open for her to try to start something with Z. “I thought you’d be sitting by his bedside, holding his hand and pretending everything is going to be all right.”

Even as I say them, the words have my heart dropping to my stomach and my hands clenching into fists. Not that I’ve got any right to be upset. I’m the one who didn’t bother to show up at the hospital. I’m the one who dumped him a second time.

Because I had to, I remind myself viciously. Losing Remi nearly killed me. Losing Z … watching him slowly kill himself … I’d never survive. Already I feel like I’ve been ripped in half, every part of me shredded into pieces so small I’m terrified I’ll never be able to put them back together again.

“Wow, look at you. Who knew you were so good at playing the victim?”

“I’m not playing at anything.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” She takes another swallow of the vodka, grimaces a little with the taste of it. “You know, Z doesn’t let anybody in. He doesn’t let himself need anyone. But he needs you, and you just fucking walk away like he’s nothing.”

“It’s not like that.”

“It’s exactly like that. You’re a shallow bitch just like everybody else he’s ever cared about. You like him when shit’s going good, but the second it gets real, you’re out the door.”

I want to argue with her, to tell her that isn’t true, but how can I when he’s in the hospital and I’m here choking on eleven-month-old memories? “Is he doing okay?”

“Like that’s any of your business? You gave up the right to know the answer to that question the second you didn’t bother to go to the hospital.”

“I went.”

“No, you didn’t. I was there the whole time and I never saw you.”

“I left after making sure he was okay. I couldn’t—”

“Deal. Right? You couldn’t deal with the fact that your superhot, supertalented boyfriend is a real person. That he’s not easy. That’s he’s got issues that run deeper than anything you want to deal with.” She shakes her head, drains the drink. “I just don’t get why he fell for you.”

“Instead of you, you mean?” I strike out before I know what I’m going to say. But I’m hurt and angry and sad, so fucking sad. The last thing I need is for Cam to heap even more guilt on my head.

“Fuck you.”

“I don’t think so.” I walk to the door, open it. “Why don’t you get the hell out?”

“I’m not getting out until you tell me why you fucked with Z like that. Was it to get back at him for the bet? Does it make you feel good to hurt him like this when he’s already had the shit kicked out of him today?”

“He did it to himself.”

“God.” She lets out a sarcastic little laugh. “You’re pathetic.”

“How about you? You’ve been wearing blinders about Z forever. You don’t want to know the truth because then you’ll have to admit that you can’t fix him.”

“Oh, I’m the first one to admit I can’t fix him. That he’s broken, probably beyond repair. You’re the one who won’t accept that. Who only wants him if he’s whole.”

The words hit like blows. “You don’t understand. I saw what happened today. I know he did it on purpose.”

She shrugs. “Who knows if he did or he didn’t? Nothing is ever that cut-and-dried with Z. Besides, that’s not the point.”

“It’s exactly the point. You know he’s too good to go down like that—”

“What I know is that he was doing fine, holding his shit together. He was excited as hell about boarding that competition. And then a fucking reporter got in his head right before his run.”

“So he threw everything away?”

“Jesus, Ophelia. Open your eyes. You see everything in black and white, but it’s not that simple. You’ve never snowboarded. You don’t know how easy it is to lose focus for one second and screw everything up.”

My hands are shaking, so I shove them into the front pocket of my hoodie. “You think it was just an accident? You think he just fell?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. But he didn’t plan to go down like that. That I am sure of.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little naive? You said yourself how messed up he is.”

“He is messed up and believe me, I know that better than anyone. I sure as hell know better than you. I’ve spent the last ten years watching him self-destruct, and trying—with Luc and Ash—to hold him together. I was there when they found April. I was there when he found his mom. And I’ve been there every day since, picking him up when the world gets too fucking hard for him.

“Except today, when he was counting on you to be there. You to pick him up. And what the hell did that get him? Absolutely nothing. You’re no better than his father.” She dumps the glass on the counter, heads for the door. But she stops a couple of feet from it, turns to face me. “You stay away from him, you hear me? You’ve hurt him enough. So you stay far, far away from him.”

“Or what?” I don’t know why I’m challenging her on this, why I even care when she’s telling me to do exactly what I’ve been planning on—staying as far away from Z as I possibly can.

“Or that black eye you’re sporting will be the least of your problems. Ash and Luc won’t touch you because you’re a girl. But I will fucking rip you to shreds.”

She slams out without another word, and I’m left standing there in the middle of a suite that feels empty and lifeless without Z in it. And wondering if I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life, bigger even than getting into that car with Remi.

When I can’t stand it anymore, when my head—and my heart—feel like they’re going to explode from the pressure of not knowing, I go to my backpack. Pull out the tablet Z bought me when he realized I didn’t have one. And start researching.

Everyone else knows what’s up with Z. I’m beginning to think that it’s past damn time that I did, too.

I must have fallen asleep, because it’s pitch dark in my room when I jolt awake, my heart pounding and a nightmare running through my head.