Must… Stop… Brain

“What?” I shouted.

He was watching me closely.

I bucked, pushed and tried to get away but he held on tight.

“Let me go,” I demanded.

He didn’t say anything, just effortlessly held me to him.

I stilled and looked at him.

There was no denying it. His intelligence about when my infatuation started was too detailed to lie about.

“How did you know about that? Was it Ally?” I asked.

“I read your diary.”

Oh… my… God.

“What? When?”

“I don’t know, when you were fifteen, sixteen. You were schemin’ and throwin’ yourself at me pretty steady, recruitin’ your friends to help, some of it was ingenious. I was lookin’ for ways to…” he hesitated then found the words, “diffuse your eagerness.”

Holy shit.

How embarrassing was that?

It was a long time ago and I didn’t remember what I wrote in my diary. What I did remember was that it was nearly all about Lee and all of it was very personal.

I pressed my hands against his chest and tilted my chin down so I couldn’t see him.

I was never going to live this down. It felt like my whole body was on fire with mortification. I had to get the fuck out of there before I exploded. I was the Embarrassment Bomb.

“Indy.”

“You shouldn’t have read my diary. That was low,” I told his chest. “But it was a long time ago. Things change, I’ve changed. I don’t feel that way anymore.”

“That’s why you made chocolate cream pie last night.”

I lifted my head and glared at him. “You’d had a hard couple of days, I was trying to be nice.”

“Last night was nice, very nice.”

“Go to hell.”

I was too embarrassed for compliments or to be fair or rational. I just wanted to get away.

“Considering I’ve finally had you, had you in three different rooms, and feel pretty fuckin’ pleased about that, I’ll let that comment slide,” he said, sounding like he was beginning to get annoyed.

“Nice of you.”

I bucked again to get away and he rolled on top of me.

“Settle down,” he ordered.

“Get off me.”

“Right,” he clipped, (yep, definitely annoyed), “shut up and listen to me.”

My eyes rounded with anger, about to pop out of my head. Before I could say a word, he started talking.

“First of all, back then, you were underage. No way I could touch you, legally. Not the way I wanted to anyway. There aren’t a lot of people whose opinions I care about but your father’s is one of them. He’d have lost his mind if we’d hooked up then because my reputation wasn’t exactly unearned.”

This was true.

I still glared at him.

“It wasn’t easy to keep sayin’ no, you’re fucking gorgeous and always were. I wanted you then but you were a wild child. Everyone knew you were a handful. I wasn’t gonna go near you until you calmed down. It might be entertaining to watch when you’re removed, but if you’d been mine, you’d have driven me up the wall. I knew myself well enough to know that.”

This might have been true but I certainly didn’t want to hear it.

“Regardless of that, I intended to have you, one day, and that was always at the back of my mind, so I considered you mine even when you weren’t. It was common knowledge our families were close. Half the assholes I knew came to me tellin’ me they wanted a piece of you, the other half lyin’ about havin’ a piece. Why do you think I fought so goddamned much?”

Yikes.

That was news.

He went on. “I knew I had to get my shit together before I got us together. By the time that happened, you were avoiding me. We’ve discussed this part, without much of your honest participation. This brings us to now.”

He stared at me.

I kept my mouth shut.

“You can jump in anytime you feel like it,” he said.

Hmm, sarcasm.

“You shouldn’t have read my diary,” I snapped.

“Get over it.”

“I’m not gonna get over it. That’s personal. How I feel about you should be for me to tell you.”

He waited a beat.

“Point taken.”

That’s as far as he went, no apology and no remorse.

Jerk.

“I was a young girl with an infatuation. You shouldn’t mistake who I was for who I am now.”

Lee made no comment.

“That said, I am what I am. I’m still a wild child, I still do stupid, crazy things. I listen to rock ‘n’ roll, loud. I lip sync with drag queens. I find it fun to try to out-attitude the Sushi Den hostesses and sometimes, Ally and me even joyride around Denver. I haven’t changed and you can’t control me. If you even want to, I’m gone.”

“There’s a difference between controlling and protecting,” he remarked.

“Yeah, be careful not to cross that line. A line, I might add, you crossed this morning.” I was on a roll. “And while we’re talking about control, I may not have changed, but you have. The Lee I thought I loved when I was a teenager is not you.”

That pissed him off and his eyes narrowed. “I’m not hiding anything.”

“Do you mean to imply that I am?”

“Jesus, Indy, if you had the wall around you any more fortified, it’d be so deep you’d be in fucking Mexico.”

“I’ve always let it all hang out!”

“Bullshit.”

I made an angry noise that sounded like someone had punched me in the stomach.

“You got something to say?” I demanded.

His face changed, there was something there I’d never seen before. Something the looks of which scared the hell out of me.

When he spoke, his voice was softer, even gentle.

“You live every day like tomorrow isn’t gonna come. Your mother died before she reached your age. You watched your father chose to live a lonely life rather than replace her. It doesn’t take a psychologist to put those things together and figure out why you allow yourself to take care of all the Rosies and Texes of the world but don’t allow anyone to get very close to you.”

That was when I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

I turned my head away and bucked again. “Get off me.”

“Un-unh.” He curved his fingers and thumb around my chin and jaw and forced me to look at him. “I’m not gettin’ off, not goin’ away, not playin’ anymore games or wastin’ anymore fuckin’ time. I don’t believe in fate or destiny or any of that bullshit. What I know is that, as far as I can tell, there isn’t another woman I’ve met who fits my life. Who doesn’t care if I get home late after she’s made a special dinner. Who doesn’t have a hemorrhage when I talk about one of my men gettin’ shot, goin’ off about how she feels about my work. You got up and made everyone coffee, for fuck’s sake. You’re a woman who tells me to be careful when I tell her I’m out hunting humans, instead of bitchin’ and wantin’ to process how my career choice makes her feel. If an employee walked into their kitchen with a gun and shot at their neighbor, most people would lose their fucking minds. You spent the morning makin’ brownies and the afternoon sleepin’ in the sun. You live hard, play hard and don’t seem to be scared of anything but manage to keep a softness about you that’s almost unreal. You wanted me to tell you why I’m sure about you, that’s why I’m sure. You grew up and your only parent was a cop, you know the drill. I don’t have any interest in trainin’ someone to get it and I need someone strong enough to live with it. That’s you.”

I stared at him, eyes wide. I’d never heard him say so much, all at one time, in my life. And I’d known him my entire life.

“How often do your men get shot?” I asked.

“Shot at, too often. Shot, luckily, rarely.”

I wanted to ask how often he got shot at or had been shot. I wanted to ask but I didn’t want to know the answer. So I didn’t ask.

“Smart decision,” he murmured. He was in my brain. Again.

“I do get scared,” I whispered, “you scare me.”

His eyes crinkled.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a week.”

I was stunned.

“That you scare me?”

His mouth brushed mine.

“If I scare you, then you care. I’m the same Lee, just older and smarter. You love me, eventually your wall will come down and you’ll admit it to yourself and then you’ll admit it to me.”

Jeez, he was so cocky.

His hands started moving on me and he began to nuzzle my neck again.

Apparently our little drama was over.

“I don’t think I’m done being pissed at you,” I told him.

“That’s okay,” he said against my ear, “I can still make love to you when you’re angry.”

Unbelievably cocky.

“I don’t think so,” I said.

His hand went between my legs, his fingers executing a delicious little swirl that was just enough pressure to get my attention but light enough to make me want more.

Bastard.

I opened my legs a bit, I couldn’t help it.

He kissed me as reward.

“I promised to show you who I was, which mostly you know, today you’ll learn more,” he said when he was nuzzling my neck again. I was kind of listening but his fingers were exerting more pressure and doing some more swirl action so I was finding it hard. “And I promised to tell you what I wanted and give you time to decide.”

Oh no, this wasn’t fair.

I’d opened my legs further and the swirling was getting serious. I was running my hands up his back and had my face shoved in his neck. There was no way I could process important discussion.

“Can we…” I panted, “talk about this later?”

I thought he agreed, he slid between my legs and entered me.