He holds the door open and motions for me to go inside. “Let’s not talk about my family. Please?”

I tense instantly and wish I could take back being so nosy. We’ve fought about my prying enough for one night.

The hotel suite is amazing. I’ve never been in one that looks more like a small apartment before. The sitting room has a couch and two formal armchairs pointing at the flat-screen mounted on the wall. A small, high-end kitchen with dark wood cabinets and stainless steal appliances flows into the sitting room. “This is really nice.”

He nods. “I stay here every time I’m in town.”

I turn back toward him. “How often is that?”

“Not often—every couple of years.”

My heart instantly sinks. “Who takes care of your house if you’re gone so often?”

He shrugs. “I pay someone to look after it.”

I sigh. “I can’t believe you’re leaving soon. Am I ever going to see you again?”

He leans against the wall and stares down at the floor. “It’s probably better if you don’t”

“Says who?”

His head jerks up, and he meets my stare. “Me.”

I shake my head and step toward him. “If we’re going to continue being friends, you have to stop with the self-loathing attitude. You aren’t a bad person. If you were, I wouldn’t be here right now.”

Xavier reaches out and grabs me by the waist, effectively pulling me to him. “You don’t know how badly I wish that where true.”

Intensity radiates off him and my heart pounds against my ribs as he leans in to kiss me. My hands press against his chest, and I close my eyes, allowing my mouth to drift open as I wait for lips to meet mine.

“Well, well…what do we have here?” A distinctly female voice purrs behind me. “Are you going to be done playing with her soon or will she be joining us this evening? I’m lonely back here.”

I turn just in time to spot Deena stride out from the bedroom, wearing a couple of red strings and pieces of fabric that I believe she considers to be lingerie. I can’t help but stare at her. She’s practically naked in front of me and seeing her undeniably killer body, I understand why she was unimpressed with me at the bar the other night. She belongs on a magazine cover.

How can I compete with that?

Xavier’s muscles tense beneath my fingers. “What are you doing here, Deena?”

She shrugs as she runs her finger along the back of the couch slowly. “I figured since we had so much fun together the other night that you’d want to do it again. I know I do.”

My stomach turns as the words the “other night” replay in my head. He slept with her after he’d spent the evening with me? I guess I’m nothing special to him after all. I shove away from him and shake my head.

“Anna…” He grabs for me, but I swat his hand away.

“Don’t!” I snap. “You don’t get to touch me while you still have her.”

He grimaces. “What happened with her…it didn’t mean anything.”

The conversation we had about his relationship with Deena flashes through my mind. “That’s right. The two of you have some weird sex arrangement that makes it okay to use her.” I shake my head, disgusted at how he could share his body with someone who means nothing to him. I feel so…used…and stupid. How could I be so naïve?

He scrubs his hand over his face. “It’s not like that. Damn it. I just…I can’t go without sex for that long, and I knew you—”

“Wouldn’t give it up, you little prude,” Deena fires at me, and her words feel like a punch to the gut. “I, on the other hand, was only too happy to give him what he needed.”

“Shut up, Deena!” His voice takes on a threatening tone and the smirk on her face immediately disappears as he glares at her.

It’s then that I know what Deena is saying is true, and Xavier is obviously not happy with her for telling me. My heart instantly crumbles. “Has the last week meant nothing to you?” Tears threaten to expose how betrayed I feel. The walls of the spacious hotel room begin to close in on me. I can’t stand here in the middle of this messed-up situation and pretend like I’m not hurting.

As I take a couple steps backward toward the door my feet falter, and I struggle to get my balance. Anger and embarrassment flow through my veins. I clutch my chest, wishing I could reach inside and hold my breaking heart together.

“Anna…” There’s an almost pleading tone to his voice, but I refuse to allow myself to get hurt any more.

I knew he was bad, that this wouldn’t end well, yet here I am—locked in his hotel room getting a huge reality check.

I lift my chin and feel grateful that we never became physical. That would’ve made walking away from him now that much harder.

“Thank you.” My gaze flicks from Xavier to Deena. “To both of you, for teaching me a very valuable lesson. Some people can’t be trusted, no matter how much you want to believe they can be.”

All the color drops from Xavier’s face, and he nods before shoving his hands in his pockets. “I warned you.”

I bat away a tear that’s rolling down my cheek. “You did. I just didn’t listen. Goodbye, X.”

He stands there, making no attempts to persuade me to stay, while I walk through the door and out of his life forever.

10

Xavier


I crouch under the coffee table of our small one bedroom apartment and pray she doesn’t call for me again.

I hate it when she does that.

I don’t like helping her.

Her footsteps shuffle across the floor, and I watch her take a seat at the small kitchen table with its mismatched chairs. It’s gotten worse over the few weeks—the need to take her medication. It’s becoming a daily thing, and when she doesn’t have it there’s always hell to pay.

“Xavier?” Mama calls. “I need your help, son.”

My entire body tenses as I hold my breath, praying no sound comes out of me this time. Maybe she’ll believe I’m not here.

“Come on, son. Mama needs your help.”

I jerk my hand back as a cockroach crawls across the floor and the top of my head bumps the table. Instantly, I freeze.

Her head whips in my direction. It takes a couple of seconds, but her eyes finally zero in on me under the table. “There you are. Why didn’t you answer me before? Come over here.”

I slink back, refusing to answer her.

Her eyes narrow, and she demands, “Get your ass over here now!”

All the muscles in my body begin to tremble as I stand and take a hesitant step toward her. “Why do I always have to do it?”

She shoves her greasy brown hair away from her red, splotchy face and sniffs. “I’m not strong enough to get it tight. You, you’re strong.” She hands me the old black leather belt that’s on the table. “Hurry up, baby. I need my medicine.”

Tears stream down my face as I stare at the worn leather in my small hands. “Please, don’t make me.”

“You know I love you, right, baby? Help Mama out. If I don’t get my medicine it’ll make me upset. You remember what happens when I get upset, right?”

This is her way of threatening me—the way she always forces me to do what she says. Typically I do it just so she doesn’t become violent, but she looks worse today and I’m afraid of what another dose will do to her. I stare at the ragged t-shirt she’s wearing. It’s the same one she sleeps in, and she’s been so high she hasn’t bothered changing at all this week. Stains speckle the front of it from where I’ve tried to keep food in her.

I refuse to help her hurt herself any more.

I square my shoulders. “No.”

She narrows her blue eyes at me. “What’d you say to me?”

I lift my chin. “I said no.”

Without warning she draws back to smack me in the face, but like she said, I’m strong, and I snatch a hold of her wrist before she can make contact. “You little fucker. I hate you! No one will ever love you. EVER! You’re a selfish little bastard.”

I know this is the addiction talking. The books I’ve gotten from the library taught me that much. She wasn’t always like this. There have been some good times too, and those are the memories I try to hang on to. Thoughts of the woman I hope she’ll be again one day, when she kicks this habit.

“No, Mama! I want you to stop!”

“Leave then, just like your father did. Leave me here all alone.” She sobs as she comes undone, and my heart crushes. “No one ever wants to stay with me. I’ve made you hate me too.”

I wrap my arms around her, instantly sorry I made her cry. “I’m sorry, Mama. I don’t want to leave. I want you to get better.”

She turns her tear-streaked face up at me. “Then help me. One last time, then I’ll get better. I promise.”

I stare down at the belt, thinking that maybe this time she means it.

“Okay.”

She grins and holds her sleeve up as I loop the belt around her arm and synch it as tight as I can. “That’s good, baby. Look at that big vein.”

The glee in her voice makes me shiver. I turn my head the moment she pulls out the needle and jabs herself with it.

A couple of seconds later, her body visibly relaxes.

“Much better,” she sighs as she drops the needle to the floor.

She reaches out to try and pat me, but she misses. “Thank you, baby.”

I gasp as I sit up in bed and reevaluate where I am—alone in my hotel room.

Beads of sweat cover every inch of me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that dream. I was hoping my fucked-up brain had somehow blocked my childhood out, but I will never be that lucky.

It’s probably because of all of Anna’s poking around about my past. I know she believes she’s helping, but some people should learn to let sleeping dogs lie. Talking about shit only makes it worse. Bringing up the past brings back the nightmares of shit I don’t want to remember.