“Just to be clear . . . when what happened?”

“When I made the stupidest mistake of my life. When I . . . hooked up with that girl.”

“That girl? You’re not together anymore?”

“Of course not. We were never together. It was only a few stupid times.”

“Was she really a fan?”

“Yeah.” Ethan laughs. “How amateur is that?”

I watch the water. Flowing forward. Standing still. A lot like the way I learned to be present in yoga. Grounded yet flexible to change.

“You have to know how sorry I am.” Ethan touches my hand. “I am so, so sorry for what I did to you, Sterling. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Why did you do it?”

“There’s no excuse for my bad behavior.” He squeezes my hand. “The worst part is that I threw away everything we had. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.” I hate that I miss Ethan. But I do. This whole time I’ve been struggling to ignore his attempts to communicate. Telling myself he’s not worth it. Warning myself against setting us up for the same catastrophic failure. He cheated on me once. How do I know he won’t cheat again?

Ethan puts his hand on my cheek, softly turning my face toward his. “Is there a chance for us?”

Part of me is screaming yes. Last summer, I couldn’t imagine us not being together. Now here we are a year later. So much has happened. So much we can’t take back. It wouldn’t work even if I forgave him. Ethan is moving to LA. I’m going to college on the opposite coast. Not seeing him when we were together was excruciating. Being away from the boy you love is pure torture. I can’t put myself through that again.

He’s looking deep into my eyes. Waiting for my answer.

“I don’t think so,” I say.

Ethan nods, pulling his hand away from my face. “That makes sense. I’m not good enough for you anyway.” He gives me a bittersweet smile. “You deserve much better than me.”

This is it. For real. I may never see Ethan again after today. It blows my mind to think that I may never see Ethan again for the rest of my life.

“Did you see The New York Times Magazine article?” he asks.

“Of course.” The big Ethan Cross cover story came out a couple weeks ago. Naturally, Ethan looked amazing on the cover. All of the photos inside were gorgeous. Even the candid shots were gorgeous. But what impressed me the most was how perfectly the reporter captured the essence of who Ethan is and the impact he wants to make on the world. I didn’t have to worry about negative material wrecking the article. The reporter referred to some rumors and less-than-desirable behavior on Ethan’s part, but he focused on the positive side of Ethan’s career. Especially why his music appeals to everyone. That focus apparently inspired the title of the article. It was called “Ethan Cross for Everyone.”

“Do you remember the last line?” Ethan says.

I laugh. “Oh, yeah. That was classic.” The last line was almost like the reporter saw our breakup coming. Ethan Cross is in the rooms and hearts of so many girls, it’s hard to believe he can belong to any one of them.

We watch the water for a while. Not saying anything. Two people who used to mean everything to each other, sitting side by side in the silence between them.

“Look what I brought.” Ethan takes the mati out of his pocket. “Too bad my good-luck charm didn’t work on the one day I needed it the most.”

It’s sweet that he felt nervous about seeing me. But this isn’t about Ethan anymore. This is about my life and what I’m going to do with it. I have my own lucky charm now. Mom found it in Gram’s safety deposit box. It’s a butterfly pin with amethyst gems. Gram used to wear it pinned to her scarves when I was little. She would smile when I admired it. I know that’s why she left me the pin. She was hoping it would make me smile the same way.

48

Mamaroneck is about halfway between Far Hills and Manhattan. Tonight is their last Summer Nights on the Sound event. They’re giving free swing dance lessons. Then everyone gets to dance. It sounded like something Damien might be into. I remember him saying he wanted to learn how to swing dance. So I asked him to meet me there. He’s still staying at his friend’s place in New York, working at a new venue that’s supposed to be the next big hot spot.

I arrive early and find a parking spot. There’s supposed to be a vintage red phone booth on the corner. We’re meeting in front of it. I find the phone booth. Then I wait, trying not to look as nervous as I feel.

The sight of Damien walking toward me makes my heart flutter. How is he even cuter than I remember?

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” I say.

“You look really pretty.”

“Thanks.” I tried on seven dresses when I was getting ready. This floaty floral one was the first dress I tried on. Not sure why I was doubting its adorableness.

“I know we’re here to dance, but I have to tell you something first. I can’t hold it in anymore. Is that okay?”

I nod. It’s amazing how after I found closure for myself, everyone around me became motivated to find their own closure. As if we’re all connected on a level we can’t perceive.

“Not telling you about Ethan was my lame attempt at protecting you. I was seriously hoping it was just a rumor. Or that Ethan would say something to you. I found out like a day before the last show and couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing you one last time. Or if I’d told you about the girl and it was true and you ended up taking Ethan back anyway . . . If you wanted to pretend that nothing happened . . . I just couldn’t watch. Not when I care about you so much.”

Now I feel horrible for not listening to Damien when he tried to explain all this before. He really was trying to protect me. Like when I didn’t tell Ethan about the conversation I overheard where Gage was bitching about him. Sometimes we omit information that could potentially hurt a person we care about. Maybe that kind of omission isn’t a betrayal. “I’m sorry. I should have—”

“I’m not done.”

“You’re not? Because of course I forgive you. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance to explain before.”

“Good. But there’s more.”

“Go for it.”

Damien takes a deep breath. “You know I’m a free spirit,” he says. “I like doing my own thing. I like not having to be in any one place for too long. Except things are different now. Now that you’re in my life.”

My pulse races.

“My whole thing was not worrying about tomorrow. But you make me want to see you tomorrow. And all the days after. You make me want to plan a better life. The better life I’ve been searching for.” Damien takes my hands in his. “You’re who I’ve been searching for.”

I open my mouth to speak. Nothing comes out. He’s literally shocked the words right out of me.

Then I find them. “I’m leaving for college next week.”

“I know. The good thing about being a free spirit is having the freedom to go wherever I want. I can move close to you, find a job there. I mean, if you want me to. Burlington has a few decent venues. A friend of mine works at one of them. He said he could hook me up.”

“Wow. You’ve put a lot of thought into this.”

“Does that freak you out?”

“No. I guess it should. But it really doesn’t.”

“You sort of have a preoccupation with ‘should.’ This life thing isn’t about what you should do or how you should feel. It’s about living for today. Being happy in the Now and trusting that the future will unfold to bring more happiness. It’s about following your heart.”

That makes me smile. I promised Gram I would always follow my heart. There’s no going back now. Moving toward the life I want to be living is the only way to go. A new way of being. With lots of new adventures.

Damien’s eyes search mine. “So . . . what do you say?”

“I say . . . I think I need to be alone for a while.”

The sparkle goes out of Damien’s eyes. I hate that this might hurt him. But I think it’s important for me to be on my own so I can define my own life. I know it is.

“Not because I don’t want to be with you,” I explain. “I just need to get to a place where I feel happy and confident with myself. I need to fall in love with my own life before I can fall in love with someone else. When I’m happy with myself, I can make you happy.”

“You already make me happy.”

“I’m not rejecting you. This is the opposite of rejection. I’m doing what I need to do on my own to build a foundation for a more solid future with you.”

Damien nods. He closes the distance between us and presses his forehead against mine. “I hear you. Jumping straight into another relationship probably isn’t the best idea.”

“Exactly. I don’t want you to be my rebound. You mean more to me than that. We have the chemistry and connection. When the timing is right, we’ll be together.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” I have no problem promising Damien that we’ll be together when I’m ready. I know it’s a promise I will definitely keep.

Could I even imagine that this is where I’d be a year ago? No way. Still, I know this is right where I belong. Sometimes the life you were meant to live doesn’t look the way you thought it would. But it’s just what you were looking for.

“So . . . can I see you at all?” Damien asks.

“Absolutely. I’m just not ready for a boyfriend right now. Don’t wait for me. Do your thing. We’ll both just keep that door open for the possibility of us.”

“My door will be wide open for you. Always.”

Damien leans down to kiss me. When our lips touch, I know this next chapter of my shiny new life has already been written. Without any typos.