Susane Colasanti - Now and Forever

I get that the nomadic lifestyle works for Damien. He seems happy with his decision. But I wonder if anything will ever make him change his mind about having a real home life.

“Sorry for the rambling,” Damien says. “This isn’t about me.”

“No, it helped a lot. Anyway, I’m not as upset as I should be. I mean, I’m upset, but I’m not breaking down crying like I thought I would be. Maybe because I’ve already dealt with it in a way. Deep down, I knew he was . . .”

“That boy is out of his head. When Drew told me last week, I couldn’t believe it.”

“Told you what?”

Damien’s eyes get big. “He told me about Ethan. About the girl.”

“Last week?”

He nods.

“You knew Ethan was cheating on me last week and you didn’t tell me?”

“I was hoping it was just a rumor. You know how those guys are.”

“Yeah, I know how they are. I thought you were different.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“Do you know I showed up at Ethan’s hotel early? When he was in his room with her? How could you let me humiliate myself like that?”

“I—”

“What did Drew tell you?”

“He said Ethan was hooking up with some girl. That’s it.”

“Did he see her?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“No, I want to know. What did he say?”

“He said . . . he said she was hot.”

“So you heard that Ethan was hooking up with some hot girl before the last show and you didn’t bother to tell me? When you knew I’d be at the show?”

Damien reaches across the counter for my hand. I pull away from him.

“Can you go now?” I say.

“Sterling—”

“Just go.” I don’t want to hear anymore. I thought I could trust Damien. I thought he was the one person who had my back. How could he let me go to that show and smile at everyone on Ethan’s crew when they all knew about the other girl? How could he let me be with Ethan that night?

Ethan. Who’s calling me. Again.

This time, I pick up.

“Stop calling me,” I say. My voice shakes. “Stop texting me. We’re done.”

“Please listen to me.”

“STOP FUCKING CALLING ME!” I scream so loud my throat burns. Then I throw my phone across the room. Let it break to pieces. Just like the rest of my life.

The thing about closure is that you can’t move on without it.

I would know. I’ve been not moving on for three weeks. Three weeks of shutting the world out. Three weeks of hardly registering that I graduated and high school is over forever and it’s summer vacay and I should be happy.

Three weeks of putting my life on hold.

But life can’t be avoided forever. Life is happening right now. And this isn’t the life I want to be living.

Georgia said I could come over when I called her this morning. I’m relieved she didn’t change her mind about seeing me. There was a moment of paralyzing fear when I rang her doorbell. But then she opened the door and we came up to her room like we were already back to normal.

“New plant?” I inquire about a tall dark green one with yellow stripes along the edges of its leaves.

“Snake plant. He already thinks he owns the joint.”

“New plant with attitude.”

“That’s how we do.”

I sit at the end of Georgia’s bed. She props herself against the pillows.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you,” I say. “You needed me and I wasn’t listening. I should have been a better friend.”

“No. You were living the dream life. Anyone would have gotten swept away.”

“Well, that life is over. You don’t have to worry about me getting swept away anymore.”

“What about Damien?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.”

I wish I didn’t get so flustered every time Damien comes up. I don’t want to think about him at all. But somehow, he won’t let me forget. He’s not calling me or anything. We haven’t talked since he left my place. He tried at first, though. I wouldn’t pick up or text him back. There was no point. He wasn’t honest with me. And after everything he went through with his parents? He should have known that keeping a huge secret from me would never work.

Georgia knows about how Damien stayed with me backstage before shows. She knows about our long talks on the phone, hours that felt like minutes. She knows how much I loved being with him.

She knows. And she knows I know she knows.

“He lied to me,” I say.

“Not really.”

“Yes, he did. Remember from Little Black Book? ‘Omissions are betrayals.’”

“True. But he was only trying to protect you.”

“If he wanted to protect me, he should have told me about the skank.” My face burns just thinking about how many people knew while I was completely oblivious at the last show. Waiting outside Ethan’s room while his bodyguard inadvertently threw me pity looks. Holding hands with Ethan in the thank-you circle before the show. Drew was in the circle. So was the rest of the band. Plus all the key players. Every one of them probably knew. None of them told me. But none of them knew me like Damien. He was my friend. He should have been the one to tell me.

“You like the way you feel when you’re with him, right?” Georgia says.

“Yeah. I don’t know anyone else like him. He’s amazing.”

“But not amazing enough to be forgiven for one mistake?”

She does have a point.

“What about you?” I counter. “Is Kurt treating you any better?”

“Kurt is history.”

“What? What happened?”

“I woke up. You were right. I was so desperate for him to like me. I was settling for someone who treated me badly because I couldn’t imagine feeling that way about anyone ever again. But I will. The right boy will adore me from the start. I won’t have to convince him to like me. Not that you can convince someone to like you. He’ll make it clear that he wants to be with me. I just have to trust that I’ll find him.”

It makes me so happy that Georgia is respecting herself. It sounds like she understands what I’ve also just realized.

The right boy doesn’t make your stomach twist into anxious knots. He doesn’t make you panic when he’s not calling. He doesn’t make you wonder who he’s out with. He fills you with peaceful certainty that your love was meant to be. He will support you no matter what. He’s always with you, even when he’s not. And you just know he wants to be with you now and forever. Because there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

“How’s the video thing going?” Georgia asks.

“Awesome.” The day I emerged from the darkness was the day I realized that I have to respect the girl Gram loved. She wouldn’t want me wallowing over some boy. She would want me to hold on to my identity.

It was last Sunday. As I’d been doing since the last time I saw Damien, I woke up in a murky depression. I stayed in bed reading without absorbing the story. After scanning the same paragraph four times and still not being able to focus on the words, something snapped. I’d hit rock bottom. There was nowhere to go but up. So I threw back the covers, took a shower, and got ready. Then I filmed my first cooking video without even planning it. Just went into the kitchen and started sharing my top five cooking tips. The comments are really positive. They make me even more confident that I’m creating something that will help others. Unlike when I read the comments on Ethan’s page, I’m not afraid of potential negative snark. Negative comments wouldn’t shatter me the way the ones on Ethan’s page did. That girl is gone. “I’m up to a hundred and twenty-five followers.”

“Look at you, all famous. Will you still be friends with me when you’re an online star?”

“Fame could never rip us apart. Not again anyway.”

“Not even when I’m at Northwestern and you’re at the University of Vermont?”

“Not even then.”

It’s amazing how quickly life can turn around. One minute, you’re depressed and convinced that life will suck forever. But then you wake up. You start moving toward your goals. Doors open in unexpected ways. And before you even realize what’s happening, your life has meaning again.

Marisa and Nash used to hang out on this dock. The summer after tenth grade was really intense for them. I remember how Marisa glowed when she told me about those summer nights here on the dock with Nash, making out under the stars.

Ethan and I won’t be making out tonight.

I dangle my legs over the side of the dock while I wait for him. Water reflects sky, a dazzling orange sunset. I watch the river moving. I contemplate how the water is constantly going somewhere, yet it’s still right here.

When Ethan walks out to me on the dock, I visualize this as a movie scene. This is the part where the boy comes for the girl. But it’s not the kiss at the end of the movie you’ve been waiting for the whole time.

This is the part where they say goodbye.

“Hey,” Ethan says. He sits down next to me.

“Hey.”

“Pretty sunset.”

Ethan Cross has obviously grown out of this small town. He couldn’t possibly be a bigger superstar. Even kicking back in board shorts and his MUSICIAN shirt, he still radiates that magnetic energy famous people do.

“Thanks for seeing me,” he says.

“No problem.”

“I just wanted a chance to say I’m sorry. And to tell you what happened.”

I wasn’t ready to listen before. Now I am.

“Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do,” Ethan says. “It killed me that you found out the way you did. I should have told you right when it happened.”