“He was dead.”

“That’s right.”

“And that was the peace you were looking for. Revenge.”

“No.” I hold his stare. “That was you I was looking for. You’re my peace.”

“And you’re mine.” His eyes glisten as if he’s fighting tears. “I just . . . I didn’t realize it until after I lost you.”

“Are you saying . . .?” Can I even bring my lips to speak the words? “You want me?”

He can’t be. It’s too good, and good is something I’m not entitled to.

He cups my cheeks between his big hands and runs his lips along mine. “What I’m saying is”—his forehead rests against mine—“I love you.”

I suck in a breath, trying to hold it along with this moment. Hot tears mark trails down my cheeks. Please be real.

“Breathe, baby.” He wipes away my tears with his thumbs and kisses the corners of my mouth. He runs his hand through his hair, leaving it to rest on the back of his neck. “I know I’ve got some making up to do.” He turns on the bed to face me head on and takes both of my hands in his. “All I want to know is that there’s a chance.”

My lips twitch at the way he uses my own words, from the night we made love, against me. “You have more than a chance, Rex. You have me. You always have and nothing will ever change that.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“It’s not about deserving. It’s about fate. I was put on this earth to love you. Deep down to the core of my soul I’ve always known it. There may be someone else for you, but you’ve always been it for me.”

He plants his head in my lap, his arms moving around my waist. I sift my fingers through his hair while he holds on to me like a life raft. Minutes pass in silence as we cling to each other.

On instinct, I hum the familiar melody of “Silent Night.” His arms convulse around me. With every repeated verse, a tiny bit of life returns to a part of me I’d long forgotten.

The girl who set eyes on a young boy and knew he’d own her heart forever sings from the dark part of my soul, reminding me that there’s hope. And maybe with time our love could raise her from the dead.

Twenty-seven

The dark is no place to plant a seed.

Yet with our hands in the ground, we give in to our need.

Digging through the shit we can’t stand to face.

Learned the hard way that our past can’t be erased.

--Ataxia

Rex

Living with Hatch.

Property of Hatch.

All so she could feel taken care of or self-destruct.

All because of me.

Shit. I thought my problems ended at dealing with my past. I was wrong. She explained on the plane ride back to Vegas that she had nowhere else to go and that all she wanted was to feel safe. I can’t help but think that I made her feel as desperate as I felt living in that basement. She was alone, willing to give whatever she had to offer to feel accepted, taken care of. The thought makes me sick.

She gave herself over to a scumbag like Hatchet, hoping to heal the wounds I’d inflicted. And he let her. He had to know how upset and desperate she was. He took advantage of her; he was no better than those sick bastards who visited me as a kid.

She said more, but I don’t remember because I was too busy planning the thousand different ways I was going to torture Hatch the next time I see the tubby fuck. Her insistence that he saved her, protected her from dudes who’d have taken advantage of her, only pisses me off more. Brainwashing motherfucker.

We took a cab from the airport. Other than Raven and Jonah, who were there the day she woke up, she didn’t want anyone to know she was back. A lot has happened and she needs a few days to recoup before all the women descend.

“Rex, I don’t think this is a good idea.” She’s standing in the doorway to my condo, her arms crossed at her chest. “I’m sure I can stay with Trix.”

Wearing gray sweatpants the same color of her eyes and a tight black thermal shirt that offsets the bright red locks of her shoulder-length hair, she’s a damn knockout. We haven’t been alone for more than an hour since she came out of a coma. I told myself that I’d keep my hands off her until she’s ready, but it’s taken every bit of strength I have not to strip her naked and worship every inch of her body.

I drop the small bag of our stuff just inside and turn to pull her into my arms. “We’ve been over this. Trix has a roommate now and you need rest.” I kiss the top of her head. “And if I haven’t already made it clear, here’s clear-er.” I pull back and cup her face, tilting it to look at me. “I’m never losing you again. I want to feel you breathing against me when I sleep as a constant reminder that you’re here, alive, and mine. Dating isn’t enough, baby. I want more, and unless you have a really, really fucking good reason why you don’t want that, it’s not up for discussion.”

Her body relaxes in my hold. “I know this has to be so hard for you. I don’t want to cause you any stress.”

She’s always thinking of me before herself. I pull back and meet her eyes. “You’d be surprised how far I’ve come since you left.” With her hand in mine, I move inside the condo and shut the door.

She stops in the foyer, and I turn to find her slipping off her shoes.

“Leave them on. I’m okay.”

Her eyes go wide. “Really?”

It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but after my memories came flooding back, I’ve been working to overcome my compulsions. Daily breakthroughs and praises from Darren are all things I can’t wait to tell her, but now isn’t the time. She’s spooked and I can’t lose her, so I’ll slam the door on that convo and concentrate on making her at home.

I ignore her question and bring her to my bed at the far end of the room. “Lie down. I’ll order some food.”

“Rex, you don’t have to take care of me. I’m fine.”

I sift my fingers through her hair and notice how it glistens a dozen different shades of orange, so different from Mac’s hair. Even now, it’s hard to join the two women. Both are strong in their own ways, but Mac had a carefree attitude about life that I don’t see in the gray eyes I’m lost in now. Will she ever be that way again?

“Gia . . .”

She cringes and drops her chin.

I kiss her forehead and catch her eyes. “What do you want me to call you?”

“I like it when you call me baby.”

“Yeah.” I run my lips along hers and the gentle hitch of her breath sends a wave of arousal through my body. “I like callin’ you baby, but everyone else knows you as Mac.” I slide my hands around her body and dip them down to rest on her ass. “Who do you wanna be?” I kiss a path down her neck, and she drops her head to the side on a moan.

“I want to be yours.” Goose bumps race across the tender skin of her neck.

“Mmm you got that, baby.” I squeeze two fists-full of her backside and hold back the urge to push her back onto the bed and climb between her legs.

I haven’t felt like this since the last time we were together before she left: consumed by her to the point that everything else fades and all that’s left is us.

She pushes her palms up the front of my sweatshirt, fingers raking along my abs. I tense and roll my hips, grinding my hard-on into the softness of her body.

“I want you.” Her words reverberate in my skull, awakening all the parts of me I thought I’d never feel again.

I cover her mouth with mine and pull at her lower lip. She understands and immediately tilts her head, opening her mouth just enough for me to delve inside. My senses explode at the sweet taste of her mouth. The slick heat of her tongue slides against mine, firing my need to make her mine in every way.

Holding her tight, I walk her toward the bed until the backs of her legs hit and she drops, breaking the kiss. She looks up with lust-fogged eyes and a need I’ve never seen on her before. She’s so fucking sexy it has me fighting the urge to take my dick in my hand.

Unable to keep my hands off her, I trace the line of her jaw to her full lips. “You’re sure?”

“Yes.” Her one word answer spoken against my fingertips jacks my hips forward.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m pushing, but I’m not sure I can go another second without being inside you, baby.” I swallow hard, repulsed by my inability to control my desires. She’s been traumatized, and the last thing she needs is me throwing myself all over her.

With her eyes fixed at my waist, she reaches up and unbuckles my belt. I’m helpless and can only watch as she slips the strap from the buckle and pops the button on my pants. Her soft gray eyes peer up at me, and I pull my lip ring between my teeth at the question I see in her eyes. She drops the zipper and dips her hand beneath the elastic of my boxer briefs to free me. Her eyebrows drop low as her fingers tease my newest piercing. She dips her chin to study it closer.

Her breath catches in her throat. “Oh my.” She gazes back up and me. “Why?”

I shrug. “After you left, I wanted a reminder of my vow to never go there again with another woman.”

The pad of her thumb brushes from one end of the barbell to the other sending waves of euphoria shooting up my spine. “So while I was gone, you never . . .?”

“No.”

Her cheeks flush pink and her shoulders slump. “Oh.”

I haven’t asked, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if she’d been sleeping in Hatch’s bed for six months chances are they were doing a lot more than sleeping. But I know what it feels like to be desperate. I remember needing to feel loved so badly that I’d degrade myself to feel anything remotely close to it. I understand why she did what she did, and in a lot of ways I’m responsible for it. I pushed her to it just like the circumstances of my life pushed me.