J. Salsbury - Fighting to Forget

One hand on the bed behind me to brace my weight, I use the other to fist a handful of her ass and squeeze hard. I growl against her bare breast, and she arches her hips into mine.

“Yes.” She pulls my hair.

The sting is so sweet, so disgustingly familiar. I fight the shame of enjoying the pain and thrust into her faster. Harder. Every powerful lift of my hips is an attempt to destroy the ugly that won’t back off.

My vision clouds; darkness falls over my eyes. Flashes, visions. Hands touching, violating. The hollow shame of helplessness.

“Fuck!” My hips piston, hands ripping against her flesh. Holding on, pushing away, gripping, hurting.

Dammit!

The ghost of whispered words. Dirty. Bad. Ugly.

“Leave me alone.” I cringe against the weakness I hear in my voice.

Her muscles tense. “Rex?”

No. They don’t get this moment. This is mine.

With a guttural roar, I shove up and throw her back to the bed. I slam into her, smothering her tiny body with mine. “I’m sorry.”

Her legs lock around the back of my knees. “Don’t be. I’m with you. Take it out on me.”

I bury my face into her neck and she holds me there. Her arms wrap around my shoulders, holding me to her while I war with the hideous visions that won’t let up.

My lungs contract. No air. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I’d take the pain for you.” Her fingers sift into my hair. “Take what you need from me. I want you to.”

I push up and find fire and determination in her eyes.

“I’m serious, Rex.” She holds my face to hers, gazes locked. “Take it.”

Resolution ignites a need so deep I push up on my hands and stare down at her. She takes a long breath, drops her hands to the bed, and nods.

I roll my lip between my teeth and grind into her. She moans, taunting my inner demons.

My hips drive forward. Once. Twice. Harder. Faster.

She arches her back, shifting her position. The friction sends her head back, digging into the pillow. Her legs fall open wider, allowing me more freedom to move.

I’m overcome. The combination of her willing body submitting to me and the feel of her gripping heat drives me on.

Perfect, amazing.

Her hooded eyes fix on mine. “Rex, I’m . . .”

I drop my forehead and throw my weight behind my hips. My shoulders burn and muscles ache with the intensity of it.

She locks her legs around my hips and cries out my name. Her fingernails dig into my biceps, and she convulses beneath me, around me, so much so I feel it in my damn blood.

Need takes over and I barrel into her. My guts get tight. Nausea rolls through my stomach. I swallow it back and fight the urge to stay in the moment.

Her body falls limp beneath mine. My orgasm threatens and I’m helpless to stop it. My eyes pinch shut and I bite my lip. White flashes behind my eyes. My release explodes from my body. Fuck!

I’m dizzy; a wave of euphoria robs my muscles of the strength to hold up my weight. I drop to her body, heaving against her bare breast. I wait for the surge of vomit, for the urgent rush to purge my body of the ugly. Seconds pass, and nothing.

She holds me tight; her fingers dance a path up and down my spine. “Rex, I . . . Are you good?”

Am I good? I blow out a long breath and do a quick mental check. All systems are go. No vomit on the horizon. “I think I am. You?”

I look up and a slow sated smile curls her lips. “I definitely am.”

“You’re amazing.” I brush her sexy-as-hell sexed-up hair from her face.

She grins wide and covers her face. A giggle bubbles up from behind her hand.

I smile at her lighthearted laugh, still amazed that I’m not getting sick. “’Lotta bad things have happened to me after sex, baby, but being laughed at ain’t one of them.” I bury my face into her neck and absorb the vibration against my lips.

“I’m sorry; it’s not funny. I just”—she sucks in a breath—“I don’t remember the last time I was this happy.”

“Mmm.” I run my lips up and down the side of her neck, taking in her scent.

Still connected, she wraps her legs around my waist and locks her ankles. The move restricts me, clamping me to her, holding me in place. A ghost of panic slides up my spine but fails to take shape. I’m safe. She won’t hurt me. My shoulders relax with the freedom of accomplishment. Battle after battle won in the war for my future. All when I’m with her.

All because of her.

“Rex?” No more laughter in her voice, the breathy way she says my name fires my blood. She rolls her hips, grinding against me.

My body jolts to life, standing at attention and ready to fight another battle. Confident, stronger and more capable than ever before.

I nip her earlobe. “You’re not finished with me.”

“Never.”

Rex

It’s dark in Mac’s room. Our naked bodies are tangled together on top of her comforter. The room is quiet except for the sound of soft breathing at my ear.

Did she fall asleep? I don’t know how long we’ve been like this. My head’s been all over the place with what happened tonight. I took the time to learn her body so intimately that when we finally got to having sex it wasn’t the violent crash of meaningless fucking that I’m used to. It was something else completely.

It was Earth-shifting shit, the kind that leaves me a different man than I was when I walked in this room.

I never thought I’d have the things I have with her. And even though the visions and the shame ride me hard when we’re like this, her presence dulls their effect. Most of my life sex made me sick, so I avoided it or shared it with someone who didn’t mean anything. But being with someone who means something makes it better.

Thinking about it now, it seems so logical. I mean look at Blake and Jonah. Those guys went from a lifetime of playboy-hood to freakin’ marriage proposals, all because they hooked up with a good woman.

If the girls were their cure, is it possible Mac could be mine?

Could I be with her on a regular basis? Dinner dates, movie nights?

A slow smile pulls at my lips. Hell yeah, I could.

“Mac, baby?” I kiss her head, and she peeks up at me in the dark. “You sleeping?”

“Nah, just thinking.” She kisses my chest.

“About kicking my ass out of your bed?” I don’t think I could leave her now if she asked me to.

“No, the opposite, actually.”

Just when my chest can’t get any warmer, feel any fuller, it does. “Yeah?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“I tell you what. Let me hit the head real quick. We’ll crawl under this kick-ass comforter and you can tell me all about the opposite while I hold your naked ass in my hand.” Yep, no onset of the pukes. Amazing.

A deep laugh rumbles in her chest and dammit to hell that shit is sexy. “Sounds perfect.”

She moves to free herself from my hold, but my arms convulse around her. “Wait up.”

Her body falls back into place with mine. She’s quiet.

“About tonight, I know that wasn’t the sweetest experience for you. I uh . . .” I exhale and try to say what I need to say while sparing my dignity. “It’ll get better. With time, I think I’ll get better.” The sex was amazing; it’s the me-getting-better part I hope she gets.

She shakes her head. “Not possible. Can’t get more perfect than perfect.”

Perfect? My hand around her throat, my teeth biting into her skin, holding her so tight it left marks. She thought that was perfect? Heat rushes to my face and I turn my head to avoid her assessing eyes.

“You may think I’m crazy, but I really like the way you are in bed. I like the way we are together.” She runs a finger from my temple to my jaw. “I wasn’t tolerating you, Rex. I was enjoying you.”

How is that possible? I don’t allow myself to go down that road and instead choose to concentrate on the meaning behind her words.

I’m wounded, not old wounds that have healed and left scars, but gaping gashes of blood and tissue. And she doesn’t care. Not only does she not care but she gets me.

Her yawn drags me from my thoughts. “Shit, we need to hit the sack.” I roll over her and bury my face in her neck. “For the record, I enjoyed you too. A lot.”

She runs her hand over my bare hip and up my back. “I noticed.”

I grin and drop a trail of kisses from her neck to her clavicle. “It’s impossible to walk away from you.”

“The bathroom’s only a few yards away. The faster you get gone, the quicker you’ll be back.” She hugs me tight, negating her words.

My mouth forges a path to her lips. “Less than five minutes.” I push up from the bed with the intention of taking the quickest piss known to man and then pulling Mac back into my arms.

She huffs and I feel her body shift behind me. With a soft click, the room is bathed in light before she drops back to the bed with a grunt.

I throw my legs over the bed and allow a second to get my bearings. Dropping my head into my hands, I rub my eyes. Fuck, this has been a long few weeks, training for the fight, dealing with my shit. I’m dead tired. After tomorrow night, I’m sleeping for a week.

My toes flex into the carpet. Damn, even my toes are sore.

Bracing my weight to stand, I catch something sticking out from under the bed. I blink then squint at the brown fur and tiny blue shirt. Partially hidden it’s hard to tell what—Is that a teddy bear? My arms go numb. I break out in a sweat. What the fuck?