Now was the time to prove to my girl she was right to believe in me.

I waited in the rain for an hour. I could have found refuge under the bus stop shelter, but it was right outside the Sorensons’s front yard. I couldn’t risk Lucas seeing me. His room overlooked the street and it was close to his bedtime now.

Cassie told me once that I always had a plan. That was true. Was the current one destined for failure? I hoped not. Because of all the plans I’d devised in my life, it was the most important one. By far.

I lifted the collar of my coat to stop the raindrops from sliding down my back. I shivered. I rubbed my hands together and did a few small jumps on the spot as back in football practice.

I was summoning the mental image of a steamy cup of coffee when my prayers were finally answered. Vince Loretti emerged from the house. I turned sideways and buried my head between my shoulders, staring down at the sidewalk. That was a pretty lame attempt at being ‘discreet.’ But out of the corner of my eye I could see the guy was on his cell. He got into his sedan without paying attention to his surroundings. He drove in the opposite direction from where I stood. For that I was grateful because my spy skills were abysmal.

This was the opportunity I’d been waiting for, and I walked up to the Lorettis’s house. I rang the bell. The next seconds pounded inside my head mixed with the speech I’d been reciting in my mind.

I shook the rain from my hair and ran my fingers through it. The last thing I wanted was to scare the woman by looking like a hobo. When the door opened in front of me, Andrea appeared dressed in a shabby dressing gown, her eyes bloodshot, and in that instant all the words I’d carefully selected vanished like in a puff of smoke.

“You shouldn’t be here,” was the expected welcome I got. “My husband wouldn’t want me to talk to you.”

She started to close the door on me.

“Give me a chance.”

“Leave me alone, please. Just go away,” she begged.

“I can’t, Andrea. I need to talk to you.”

“Ms. Meyer warned us you’d try to intimidate us… me.”

“I’m not here to intimidate or threaten you. I’m here to tell you about us, about who we really are.”

“I know enough already. You’re a couple of spoiled kids who got naughty in high school and couldn’t deal with the consequences of your actions.”

“Please, Andrea. You’re a good woman. Lucas wouldn’t like you so much if you weren’t. That little boy is a good judge of character. Give me a chance to say a few things.”

Lucas’s name seemed to open a way into her. She looked me over as if checking to see if I had a gun. I might have gone off like one in the past, but I was no NRA-member.

“Talk then.” She kept the door half-closed and most of her body hidden behind it.

“I’m scared.”

She cocked her head sideways and a crease wrinkled the space between her eyebrows. She hadn’t expected that. Frankly, that wasn’t how I’d expected to start my speech.

But it was the simple truth. “I’m scared. I’ve been shit-scared since the moment I told Cassie I’d help her get Lucas back. Because, you see, everything your lawyer, Ms. Meyer, said about me is correct. I’d filed for divorce and, yes, I was engaged to another girl.”

“So why are you pretending to be together then?”

“Because that was six months ago… because we had a second chance and because now everything has changed.”

She shrugged. “Then why are you scared if it’s all hunky-dory for you?” It was impossible to miss the bitterness and I guessed that—maybe—the Lorettis were way past their own second chance at love.

“Cassie, she’s a helluva girl and she cares, she cares too much sometimes. That’s what has gotten her into a lot of trouble over the years. Maybe that’s how it all started.”

“If she really cared, she wouldn’t have given up her baby for adoption.”

I’d used those same words against Cassie because they were the ones that would hurt. “It’s unfair for you to say that, Andrea, but I understand where you’re coming from. I want to be a good dad but I still have to learn how to be just that. A dad. Cassie… she’s already there. She’s already Lucas’s mom.” My breathing matched now my galloping heartbeat. “I’m scared I’ll lose her… I’m scared she’ll lose herself if she can’t be.”

A gust of wind blew into the small space between us. Andrea shuddered. She quickly wiped something away from the corner of her eye. A tear.

“Don’t I deserve to be a mother too?” This was the first time she’d raised her voice since I’d known her.

Every syllable was filled with despair and I had to stop myself from taking her in my arms. I suspected there wasn’t much hugging and tenderness in the Loretti household. “Of course you do, Andrea. You’re loving and devoted. I hope—I know—you’ll be a great mom someday soon.”

Her facial expression relaxed and she leaned gently against the door. I stepped back and my movement made her focus back on me.

“But ask yourself: Are you ready to be a mom… or Lucas’s mom?” I turned away and put a few yards between us. The rain had intensified and the drops smashed on the driveway like golf balls.

I checked on Andrea one last time. Her eyes were fixed on me. “Cassie and I, we’re not waiting for a child. We’re waiting for Lucas, the life we created out of deep, true love, and I believe he’s waiting for us.”

There was no more I could say. I’d hardly made a case. We were on opposite sides but Andrea Loretti was a good woman. I hoped she could see the good in us.

CHAPTER 26

Cassie

I’d always loved snow. It didn’t happen often in our part of Kansas, so, when it did, I went a bit crazy. Most of the time my love affair ended just before frostbite struck, with Gran nursing me and my cold for a couple of days. The upside? I had a good excuse for skipping school.

I tried to recall the image of Gran with her bright lavender eyes. It hadn’t even been a year since she passed away and my memory of her had started to become a bit hazy. I yearned to hear her voice again, but it took more effort with each passing day.

“Here, sweetie! Nice, warm and with as many marshmallows as I can stuff into it.” Clarissa placed the mug of cocoa on the coffee table. She peered through the window at the prairie outside, now covered in a white blanket. “I hope Wood isn’t going to be stuck in town. I’ve cooked his favorite stew.”

“I’m sure it’s not as bad as it looks out there.” The quilt I had on my lap wasn’t keeping me warm enough, so I grabbed the mug. “Thank you for the cocoa.”

I stared down at the tiny marshmallows floating on top of the creamy chocolate, and watched as they slowly started melting into the warm liquid. It looked so soft and mellow: I wanted to dive into it… and maybe drown inside.

I shuddered and kicked myself out of my funk. You’ve definitely reached rock bottom when suicide in a mug of freakin’ cocoa had become an option. A muffled giggle escaped from inside me.

“What’s so funny?” Clarissa frowned at me. Marriage looked good on her. Her mass of red curls sprayed over her shoulders and her skin glowed.

I’d washed my hair that morning but that was about it for my beauty routine. “Thanks for letting me stay.” I’d arrived four days earlier and I should have driven straight to Gran’s farm, but it was empty there. So I’d crashed at Woodie’s. I hadn’t had to explain anything. My friend had welcomed me with a hug.

“Our home is your home.” Clarissa offered me a sweet smile and it warmed me inside. “You can’t always be strong, ya’ know. Sometimes you have to let the people who love you take care of you.”

“I don’t want to impose—”

“—Stop, Cassie.” She shuffled in her armchair and hunched forward. “I’ve known you since we were kids and I’ve never seen you back down from anything. I’ve never seen you cry or show any fear. You’ve always been the girl I watched from afar. And God forgive me, because I was so jealous of you, so jealous of how Josh and Woodie looked up to you, how they worshiped the ground you walked on.”

“You can relax now. You bagged Woodie. Josh and me… We’re hardly rom-com material, are we?” Tears glistened in Clarissa’s eyes and my throat constricted. “Damn, I’m such a bitch. Please forgive me.”

“Apology accepted.”

“You’re right though… I don’t let people in. The biggest mistakes in my life were because I thought I didn’t need anyone, that I could manage on my own.” I took a first sip of hot chocolate. Eek, Clarissa hadn’t spared the sugar. “The truth is that I was never alone. I chose to be because I didn’t give a chance to my friends and Gran to be there for me. I never let Josh be my Superman.”

Clarissa burst out laughing. “Superman? Are you blind, girl? Josh is more of a Thor or—”

“—Captain America. For sure, that’d come in handy in Washington.”

We kept laughing together and I watched Clarissa drink some of her own chocolate. Suddenly she bolted out of the armchair, her hand stuck over her mouth. She rushed out of the living room and disappeared into the downstairs bathroom..

You had to be deaf to miss the retching that followed. Granted, the cocoa was loaded with sugar but not enough to make her puke. I hurried to the kitchen, wetted a cloth and went to wait outside the bathroom. Shortly afterwards I heard the flush and Clarissa appeared in front of me. She wasn’t glowing anymore. Her skin had turned a washed-out green and some of her hair stuck to her forehead.

I took her in my arms and led her shaking body back to the sofa where I’d been squatting the whole morning. There, I covered her with the blanket and started patting her face with the damp cloth.