“No one’s ever done it for you before, have they? I mean, I had Brody and Adrian before Todd and Ben. I had help, but for so very long I was on my own and I did my heavy lifting. I needed to, to get through stuff. But sometimes when I feel like this stuff will never end and my arms are so tired, well, Todd or Ben come in and take over. They make it all right. Alexander is growing up with them as examples of what it means to be a man. I’m so lucky for that.”

“I never had a lot of men around, you know? The ones I did were assholes. Or so distant and distracted they weren’t really a factor. My mother never had boyfriends and the ones my other relatives had were utter cockbags. And then Brody of course, and I knew there were guys out there who were good. But he wasn’t mine. He was never mine. Jonah is mine. More than that? I’m his. I’ve never belonged to anyone before. I’m not a burden. Or a responsibility. I never knew I could feel this way.”

She dabbed her eyes quickly. “Also, I cry a lot lately. Just warning you. They say it’s because I’m dealing with all this stuff at once after pushing it aside for so long. Her doctor—my mom’s doctor, I mean—he gave me a few names of people up here who have specialty practices. You know with people who have dealt with what I have. I may call one of them.”

Erin reached out to squeeze her hand. “Do whatever you need to do. You are surrounded by people who love you and will help however they can. I’m so happy to see you like this. Vulnerable. Not hiding it, but accepting it. This shit you’ve endured hurts and you can admit it. It’s odd to say that makes me happy, but you know what I mean. What happened with your aunt?”

Raven told her about the visit.

Erin sat back in her seat, eyes wide. “I’m astounded.”

“You and me both. I don’t know what to think. I’m still angry, but she’s a victim too. Clearly I have mental health issues in my DNA and that freaks me out too. But the doctors were pretty good about talking to me regarding risk factors. Her doctor told me I was the most all-right person he’d met who dealt with all the stuff I had. Of course he’s surrounded by mental patients, so.”

“It runs in families, right?”

Raven nodded. “Yeah. The risk factor is right about one percent. If one parent has it, your risk goes up to about six percent. I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll end up like her.”

“But you haven’t. I did some research while you were gone. You know, so I could understand. It says most people have onset of symptoms in their late teens or early twenties. You’re an old hag. Knocking on forty.”

Raven took a deep breath, relaxing a little more. “Yes. That’s true. They have this screening test thing. I mean they can’t do a blood test or anything, but there are warning signs. I’m a crazy bitch, but not like that, they don’t think. Anyway. Jonah is gently pushing me to see someone. Just to talk it through. He’s probably right. He usually is. Hell, this schizophrenia thing is at the bottom of my worry list at this point. All this stuff with my family, with my past . . .”

She began to eat once the pizza arrived.

“I used to have it all in my head. Who I blamed. Who was right, who was wrong. But that’s all jumbled up now. My great-grandmother, who was this rock to me, well, she’s not so pure now. And what, if anything, does that mean? My aunt isn’t a villain, or rather she is, but not solely. I don’t know. I don’t know if I ever will. And I have to figure out if I can be all right with never knowing.”

“Jesus. You never do anything halfway, do you?”

“Poor Jonah, he thought he was getting a hot chick in bed and he got all this extra shit. It’s a good thing I’m so genteel and fascinating.”

Erin giggled. “He’s a lucky man, either way. Well, Beautiful Raven-Haired Baby Girl, I’m glad you’re home.”

“I never really had a home until now. I’m glad to be back too.” 

25

She’d put her hair up so the earrings he’d given her sparkled in the light. Her collar necklace accented the neckline of the dress she wore and filled him with heat every time he looked at it.

Christmas had arrived and they were at his parents’ annual mixer. People he’d known most of his life moved around the house, glasses in hand, smiles on their faces. Toby stood in front of her, grinning as she tried to appear stern but failed. Jonah had been pretty happy about how his family had taken to Raven and she to them.

Carrie moved to Raven’s side and Raven turned a big smile her way. His women there together. Raven might have been off-putting and socially awkward in some situations, but she was good to his daughter. Kind.

Perhaps it was that her own mother had failed so terribly and she saw some of herself in Carrie. Perhaps it was that Carrie belonged to Jonah so she extended that caring because of that connection. But regardless, though she was still totally unique in the way she dealt with Carrie, his daughter had taken to Raven. She’d even suggested Jonah ask Raven to move in.

They’d come a long way since that first meeting. In the weeks since they’d returned from Oklahoma City they’d gotten a great deal closer. Raven trusted him enough to lean on him when she needed to. He kept finding out things about her that made him love her even more.

She slept in his bed now without hesitation, though it had been rocky the first few times. There were nightmares from time to time but she didn’t speak of them. He simply put his arms around her, letting her snuggle back against him and fall back to sleep.

He was totally and utterly satisfied with his life and ass over teakettle in love with the funky, bitchy, inked-up gorgeous dame across the room.

One of the waitstaff approached him quietly. “There’s someone at the door asking for you. They weren’t on the guest list.”

“Thank you.” He headed toward the front entry to find Charlotte standing there. “What are you doing here?”

She once had belonged there. Had been welcomed by his family. Her beauty turned heads. Still did, he’d wager. She was pale and fragile and knew exactly what to wear to accentuate it. But she left him cold and had worn out that welcome years before.

“Carrie told me you were seeing someone.”

He shook his head, trying to figure her out. “What?”

“Carrie told me you were serious about someone. She said you were in love.”

“As it happens, I am. But that doesn’t answer the question of why you’re here.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Raven came into the entry. For all Charlotte’s regal, fragile femininity, Raven was all fire and sensuality. And, he could easily see, some anger.

He put an arm around her waist, partly because he loved to touch her and partly to keep her away from Charlotte.

Charlotte curled her lip. “This? Jonah, she’s your midlife crisis. I’m the mother of your child.”

Then it hit him and he barked a laugh. “Are you shitting me?” He looked to Raven. “Gorgeous, I had no idea.”

“Hm.”

He kissed her, still laughing.

“Jonah, you’re her ATM. Your daughter is nearly eighteen. Her ability to control you through Carrie will be lessened then. She’s here to play the understanding and yet wounded woman. Jeez, how can you be so smart about everything but not have seen this a mile away?”

Raven then focused on Charlotte, losing the amused smile she’d had for Jonah. “You don’t deserve that girl. How dare you come here and try to put her in the middle? What kind of person are you?”

“Oh please. You think you’re just going to walk into my life?”

Raven snorted. “As if I’d want it? I have my own life. You have your life and it sucks. My life on the other hand includes Jonah. I should feel sorry for you that you only see Jonah’s worth in his wallet. Frankly the other side of his pants has a lot more appeal.”

Jonah guffawed a moment and tried to be serious again. It made Raven feel even stronger about her point. “Now, you need to go before Carrie hears you’re here and you upset her.”

“Don’t you tell me how to be a mother.”

“I’m telling you how to be a human being. You already failed at mothering.”

“Charlotte, I really don’t know what you thought you’d gain here. I’m not interested. You’re not interested. This is insulting to both of us. You need to go now. You weren’t invited. Carrie tells me you informed her you were in Gstaad for the rest of the year anyway.”

“I’m staying with my parents for a few days. You can’t stop me from seeing my daughter.”

“Jonah, Raven, people are asking for you.” Liesl came into the room and Charlotte took a step back.

Jonah turned, holding an arm out for Raven. She patted him.

“Just a moment. Charlotte, I’d like a word. Outside.”

Liesl gave him a glare when he began to argue.

He looked nervous, but he sighed and clearly gave in. “I’ll be here waiting. Don’t get the police called out on such a cold night.” He kissed her cheek and then put his suit jacket on her shoulders.

“I’ll try not to ruin your clothes.” Raven opened the front door and turned her attention to Charlotte. “It’s me or her.” She jerked her head in Liesl’s direction.

Charlotte paled further and scurried out. “I can’t believe you’d just give up on us, Jonah.”

Raven shut the door in their wake. “Yeah, yeah. Of course you can. Now, you and I need to have a chat.”

Charlotte rounded, her tiny little fists balled up around ridiculous nails. Raven found it hard to imagine her and Jonah together.

“I know who you are. I know what you are. White trash. Mother in an institution. Tattoo parlor? You had several relationships with women.” She sneered. “You’re a whore, a lesbian, and a temporary fling. Once he hears what you are he’ll dump you so fast your head will spin.”