“I don’t have to say anything to you.”

Raven took a step closer. “No, you don’t. But you will because you owe me that much. You made this mess and you’ll tell me why.”

“I did it for your own good.” Lorene’s voice was small, petulant.

“Come again?”

“She couldn’t take care of you. She done left you how many times? It was best that you just stopped believing she’d come back and save you. You needed to accept your place in life and you wouldn’t until you had no other options.”

Jonah put an arm around her, restraining her, but also comforting her.

“My place in life? What place is that?”

“She thought she could go off to the city and be something else. But she was a country girl born and bred. She thought she was better than all her kin and look where it got her!”

“Look where your behavior got me! I never lived in a single place longer than six months from the time I was three until I was fourteen years old. I was raped. I was beaten up. Not a single person but Mama Eula ever told me I was loved. How is that my place?”

“Reaching above yourself would only bring you heartache.”

“I ate heartache breakfast, lunch and dinner for years of my life. Years.”

“I didn’t know about your cousin. I didn’t know he’d hurt you. I just . . . Do you want to be like her? Like me?”

Raven scrubbed her hands over her face. “Like her how?”

“You ran off too.”

“I did, and by God, it was hard. It was lonely and hard. It’s been lonely and hard for a long time. But I got away and things did get better.”

“She never could take care of you. All she did was make you sad.”

“It wasn’t her fault! She’s mentally ill. Chemicals in her brain. What’s your excuse?”

Lorene stepped back like Raven had slapped her. “I never had any kids. I saw it with my aunt too. With my sister. With our momma. I think, when I was about seventeen and I had a burst appendix, they tied my tubes. It was for the best. So I couldn’t pass it on.”

None of this was what she’d expected.

“You’re telling me you were sterilized without your permission because mental illness runs in the family?”

“Your precious Mama Eula! She knew it could happen to me like it happened to your mom. So she agreed to have it done. She told me later it was for my own good.”

“How long, Lorene? How long are we going to keep secrets? No one should have done that to you. You were seventeen.”

“Couldn’t have afforded any babies no how. Never did find myself a decent husband. What did I have to offer any kid? Look what I did to you.”

“You didn’t have to! You could have taken me in. You didn’t have to tell me my mother had died. You didn’t have to tell her I’d died. I don’t understand. Why do you hate me so much? What have I ever done to make you all hate me so much?”

It was only Jonah’s arm around her shoulders that kept her from crying. That kept her from falling to her knees and weeping for all the lies, for all everyone had lost, and for what?

“I don’t hate you, child. I never did. You was a beautiful little girl. Smart. But that sort of thing gets a woman picked on in our world. Toughening you up was a favor. Can’t you see that? You get to be eighteen and you’re a tough old bitch and you won’t get beaten up by life. You won’t get pregnant at fourteen like your momma did. This is a hard life we got here. Pretty girls don’t last long. I did what I knew to do.

“I told your momma you was dead for the same reason. She’d done enough damage to you. She needed to let go and stop messin’ up your life. I knew she wouldn’t unless she thought she had nothing to go back to. I talked to Mama Eula and she agreed.”

Raven gripped her stomach. “Mama Eula knew? She knew my mother was alive? Knew you’d told her I had died?”

Lorene’s laugh was rueful. “I hate to go burstin’ your bubble, girl, but where did you think we got to be the way we are now? She mighta softened up some in her later years, but your great-grandma was just as nasty as your grandmama was. Our women ain’t no good. Not a one of us.”

“I’m good. Did any of you ever stop to think about that? About how maybe I could have broken that cycle and made things better for all of us?”

“I’m sorry. I really truly am. I did all I knew how to do.”

Raven stepped back on the creaky old porch. She had no words left, so she turned after pulling all the cash she had on her out of her pocket and placing it on a nearby chair.

“I don’t need your charity!”

“Yes, you do. Take it.”

She walked away, knowing she’d never be back again. 

24

She walked back into the shop and everyone looked up, smiling at the sight of her. She didn’t quite know what to do with it so she ignored it, waving and pretending it was any other day.

“Back to work, losers.” She turned back to Maggie, who was the appointment book mistress. “What’s on my schedule today?”

“I didn’t know you were back today. Everything okay?”

“If you figure out the answer to that one, let me know. However, I’m good to ink some people up.”

“All righty then. You’re wide open, schedule wise. You can take walk-ins if you like. Been pretty quiet though.”

“I know I told you not to come back until tomorrow.” Brody approached and gave her a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

“Good to be seen, my man. I was bored at home. I’ve been in a hotel room for a week. I needed to get out.”

“Where’s Jonah?”

“Off rattling people and being bossy with the law, I wager. He had a week off and all his control-freaky ways got backed up.”

“That doesn’t sound like a complaint.”

“Yes, well. He’s all right. Enough mushy stuff. I’m back and I figured you might need some help around here.”

“Which is good because I am starving and was just about to escape for lunch.” Erin walked up to her and gave her a hug. “You’re back. And you didn’t tell me. I would frown at you, but you were gone for a week so my frowning muscles are all out of practice.”

Seeing Erin filled Raven with joy. She smiled. “Pizza?”

“Yes, that’ll do nicely.”

“All right, well, I’m back and now I’m going out for a two-hour lunch.”

Brody snorted. “Good. You have appointments. Tomorrow. I want to catch up though.”

She nodded. “We will. Thank you, Brody.”

He tipped his chin. “Any time.”

Funny thing was, she knew he was telling the truth.

They headed off to Zeek’s, a local favorite. Once they’d ordered and gotten settled, Erin’s expression turned serious.

“So?”

“I don’t know if I can even answer that. My mother . . . well, she’s messed up. Her physical health is worse than her mental health. I want her here, but she’s better off there. All her internal organs are crap from the meds and from her alcohol abuse to self-medicate. She has doctors she trusts there. She’s hooked into a system that can help her.”

Raven sighed. “My coming to visit her was good and all, but it upset her too on many levels.” She blew out a breath. “She feels guilty when she’s lucid. I don’t want that. You know? It’s too late for that. She did what she did and it sucked, but it’s not like she did it on purpose. So guilt is wasted. I tried to talk with her about that and I think she might forgive herself someday. But I don’t know how many somedays she has left.”

She sipped her soda, the sugary caffeine helping a little.

“And I feel guilty too. I wasn’t there all these years. Having me probably made things worse for her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t walk away. I can’t bring her here. I feel like I should move there.”

“For what? I get it, she’s your mother and if you were close and if you could help her, then I could understand it. But your life is here. You just put down roots here. I don’t want you to go. I know that’s selfish. But I love you. You’re my best friend and you’re finally here to be with me and my kid and damn it.” Erin tried not to cry, and it made Raven feel so much better.

“I’m terrible for wanting to stay here. But I do.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t you dare feel guilty for finally building a life! You’ll visit her often. As often as you can without upsetting her schedule.”

“It’s like five and half hours if I can keep the connections close. That means I can visit her once every few weeks. Jonah said he’d come with me as often as I liked if we did it over a weekend.” She shrugged. “I want to do the right thing, Erin.”

“Oh, sweetie, you are. Don’t you see that? Just at least see how things go over the next few months. See how she adjusts. See how you adjust. You deserve some good mental health for a change too.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m glad Jonah was there.”

Raven looked to Erin. “He saved me. I can’t even begin to tell you how much his being there just made it easier, better. I could take that next step. Open that next door. He managed me like the bossy guy he is, but he also protected me. Let me work shit out on my own when I needed to. He’s changed everything. I never thought . . . ever that there’d be what he is to me.”

Erin smiled. “Yeah. I so totally understand.”

“He’s so good to me. He leaves me alone when I need it and when I don’t, well, he’s all up in my face, poking around, making me confront stuff. Aggravating but . . . he gets me. He doesn’t judge me. I never anticipated him. He was awesome with all the medical stuff. He did all this research about the system. It’s so complicated and if I take her out of the place there, she loses so much. I don’t want that. But I wouldn’t have known really, not if he hadn’t done all the heavy lifting.”