N. Walters - Craving Candy

Candy wrapped her hands around the paper cup filled with coffee. She’d bought it more for the warmth than anything else. It gave her a legitimate excuse to sit here in the quiet corner of the bookstore café and stare out the window. Her fingers flexed around the cup as her mind tried to assimilate everything that had just happened.

Letting go of her coffee, she buried her face in her hands and took a deep breath as emotion threatened to overwhelm her.

“Candy?”

The voice was a familiar one, but one that she hadn’t heard in more than a year. Lifting her head, she stared into the face of her ex-boyfriend, Gary Baker. Could this day get any worse?

“Are you okay?”

He frowned and she could see the obvious concern on his face. It almost made her laugh. Too bad he hadn’t been as concerned about her when they’d been going together. Maybe then he wouldn’t have cheated on her. What was it about her and men? She seemed to have some innate talent that made her pick ones that were all wrong for her.

She realized that he was really starting to look worried, so she pulled herself together. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She resisted the urge to just leave her coffee and beat a retreat for the exit. She took the opportunity to really examine Gary. He was still as handsome as ever with his wavy brown hair and light brown eyes. Tall and well built, he turned women’s heads wherever he went.

And that, she remembered vividly, had been part of the problem. But strangely enough, she no longer felt anything when she looked at him. He was more of a vague memory from the past. It occurred to her in a moment of great clarity that she really hadn’t loved him. Not in the way she should have. Not in the way that she loved Lucas.

Suddenly she wanted to ask him the question that had been burning in her gut for more than a year. “It’s probably pretty late for me to even ask you this, but I guess I have to know. Why did you cheat on me, Gary?”

She caught a fleeting glimpse of pain cross his face before it disappeared. “May I?” He motioned to the chair and waited until she nodded. Pulling out the seat, he settled himself into it and laid his coffee cup on the table in front of him. He rubbed his hand along his jaw as he stared at her. As if coming to some internal decision, he reached out and took her hand in his. “I never cheated on you.”

His words stunned her. “Of course you did,” she muttered. “All those late nights you said you were working, but you weren’t there when I called your office. Then there was the fact that you were so secretive.” She tried to tug her hand away, but he stubbornly held on. “Of course you were cheating,” she reiterated more strongly this time. “What else could it have been?”

“Ah.” He smiled gently as he rubbed his thumb across the top of her hand. “Now that’s the real question, and the one you should have asked back then.” Releasing her hand, he sighed. “But you didn’t trust me. In fact, I always felt from the very moment we started dating that you were waiting for me to mess up somehow, to disappoint you. I thought you’d get over it with time.” He shook his head. “But obviously I was mistaken.”

“I don’t think that wanting a partner to be faithful is asking too much.” She wasn’t the bad guy in their relationship. But his words cause a huge lump in the pit of her stomach.

“No, it’s not,” he agreed. “But neither is wanting a partner who trusts you. And you didn’t trust me. The ironic part of the situation was that I wasn’t cheating on you.”

“Of course you were.” The words were automatic as the lump in her stomach grew.

“I was working, Candy. I had taken a second job.” He paused and let that fact sink in before he continued. “And of course I was being secretive. I’d just saved enough money to buy a huge diamond ring so that I could propose to you. Imagine my surprise when you accused me of cheating on you.” He shook his head and took another deep breath. “No discussion about what might be wrong, no trust on your part. You accused me on the flimsiest of evidence.” There was pain in his eyes when he finally looked at her again.

Candy was stunned. He’d been planning to propose. He’d been working an extra job to buy her a ring. “But…” She really was at a loss.

“Yeah.” He sat up straighter in his chair and took another mouthful of coffee, giving himself time to compose himself. “It hurt. Maybe I should have tried harder to make you understand.” He sighed. “In fact, I know I should have explained myself instead of just getting angry.”

“I’m sorry.” She really didn’t know what else to say.

“Me too, Candy. You had issues with trust, but I had my own problems too, especially when it came to cheating. My parents cheated on each other constantly and it was the one thing I vowed never to do in a relationship. When you accused me of doing just that, I lost it.”

It was quite a revelation to see their relationship from his perspective. “I didn’t realize that about your parents, Gary.”

“No reason you would know.” He rolled the paper cup in his hands. “We didn’t really talk. Not about the things we should have.”

“That’s not true.” The accusation stung. “We always talked.”

“Not about things that really mattered. Like I said. Not about the things we should have.” Raising his cup to his mouth, he studied her as he took a sip. His examination made her uncomfortable and she resisted the impulse to squirm in her seat.

“I really don’t want to rehash old news. What’s past is past. I’ve got more important things on my mind right now.” Like the way Lucas had looked when he’d left the television studio.

“You’re still doing it.” He sat back, shaking his head.

“Doing what?” As if he had any right to be critical of her.

“Avoiding the problem. Not wanting to talk about things.” He held up his hand to stop her from speaking. “I’m not criticizing you, Candy. It’s just that I recognize the signs. Up until recently, I kept doing the same thing myself.” He smiled ruefully. “Then I met someone— someone very special. It was only then I understood that, unless I changed the way I acted, this relationship would probably end up like ours did.” He laughed and his eyes twinkled with humor. “I still fall back into old patterns sometimes, but she’s good about kicking my butt when I need it.”

“I’m glad for you.” And she really was. He was right about one thing— she hadn’t loved him in the way he’d deserved.

“Thanks. But the real reason I came over was because I though we both needed some kind of closure so we could move on with our lives. You’re a wonderful, warm, giving woman, Candy, but you do have unrealistic expectations of people. You want people to be perfect, but you always expect them to disappoint you. No one can live up to your standards. I just don’t want you to keep on hurting yourself that way.” Gary pushed away from the table, leaned down and brushed a kiss across her cheek. “I’m sorry about what happened to us. Sorry if I ever hurt you. I never wanted that.”

Candy saw the sincerity in his eyes. “Me too.” Reaching out, she squeezed his arm. Their relationship hadn’t worked out, but they were both still good people. Gary was right. They just hadn’t been able to talk honestly to each other and with the baggage they’d both brought with them, they hadn’t been able to survive the first big crisis.

“Take care of yourself.” Picking up his coffee cup, he turned and walked away, not once looking back.

“You too,” she whispered. A sense of closure washed over her. Candy watched him disappear, still reeling from his revelations. He’d painted a pretty honest picture of their relationship and of her. Her coffee grew cold as she sat there pondering his words.

The minutes ticked by as she replayed memories from her past. Did she have unrealistic expectations for her mother, her father, her brother, and most of all, for Lucas? Did she really have unrealistic expectations of people? Did she really expect people to disappoint her?

“Yes.” The whispered word fell from her lips. Just look at her relationship with her mother. She’d expected her mother to be what she wanted, rather than what she was. But the truth of the matter was that her mother had done the best she’d been able to do. Candy was no longer a needy child and it was time to get past that hurt.

Then there was her relationship with her brother. She hadn’t even been willing to give Justin a chance to explain what had happened. Just as she’d done with Gary. She swallowed the lump growing in her throat. And it was just what she’d done with Lucas.

It wasn’t pleasant to revisit her life and realize that she held a large amount of responsibility for her own disappointments. Everyone made mistakes and everyone had things in their life that they weren’t proud of, herself included. Who was she to expect people to live up to her impossible standards?

She could picture the look of disappointment on Lucas’ face just before he’d walked away from her. She’d been so caught up in her own disappointment and anger that she hadn’t stopped to view it from his perspective. She hadn’t supported him when he’d needed her most.

Her head was pounding now and the ache in her stomach was a solid ball of misery. No matter what Lucas had done in his past, she knew who he was now. He was nothing like her father. Lucas would never lie to her. In fact, he’d immediately admitted that he’d been in jail when she asked.

But beyond that, Lucas was a man to be trusted. His word was his bond. Hadn’t she learned that in the past few weeks? If he said he’d do something, it was as good as done. Besides which, he owned a thriving business and worked hard.