Susan Wiggs - Candlelight Christmas

Logan put a hand on the boy’s shoulder. Watching Maya on camera, he could see her struggling to keep her smile in place.

“I’m okay now, baby boy,” she said. “I swear, I’m okay.”

“Christmas wasn’t perfect.” Logan eased his arm around Darcy as they sat together on the sofa that night, after everyone else had gone to bed. “But it was one of my favorites.”

Darcy smiled, snuggling closer. The power hadn’t come on until evening, and their Christmas dinner had consisted of hot dogs roasted over the fire. Yet the kids had all had a great day, and they’d gone to bed content.

“Maybe we just have to redefine perfect,” she said. She felt nervous and excited. She told herself she’d better have the conversation she was afraid to have. If it didn’t go her way, if it scared him off, then at least she could know. She could move on with no lingering doubts. Would she miss him? Of course she would. Would it kill her? No, she’d survived worse.

She finally felt like herself again. After all this time and after all she had been through, her wishes and dreams had stumbled. They’d been downgraded. She had come to believe that shrinking her dreams was better than inflating her hopes. It was the ultimate self-protection against disappointment.

That was the wrong kind of thinking, though. In Logan’s arms, she remembered the value of taking a risk. It was better to risk everything for something she believed in than to hide from the best part of life, from love and connection and joy. Now here was this unexpected thing happening, right in the middle of her life, something she had never planned for or dared to imagine for herself.

With Logan, she discovered that the dreams she had set aside actually had a chance of coming true. Almost in spite of her hopes and fears, without even realizing it, something new was forming. She sensed it in the deepest part of her, the way she felt when something clicked into place. It seemed as if her body knew what was happening before her mind accepted the concept. She felt herself relax, a big unwinding of the squeezing tension she didn’t know she was holding on to. It was like exhaling at last after holding her breath for a year.

“How is this going to go?” she asked Logan. “Do we get a happy ending or...”

“What if it doesn’t end it all?” he asked.

“Meaning?”

He smiled and kissed her temple. “Suppose it’s a happy beginning that never has to end?”

She couldn’t think straight when he kissed her. “Fair enough. But there are logistics to consider.”

“Logistics,” he said, his voice prompting.

She shifted on the sofa, turning to face him. “Logan, we want different things.”

He looked away. “I always thought my happiness depended on having a family. You know, more kids. Brothers and sisters for Charlie. More babies to raise. That’s what I thought would make me happy.”

She felt her insides freeze up with apprehension. More babies to raise. Would she? Could she? “I don’t—”

“Something occurred to me,” he said.

Oh God, she thought. Oh no. She teetered. Could a person who never wanted kids be happy with a person who did want kids? There really was no room for compromise.

She pictured a future with him. Pictured being pregnant, her belly growing. The discomfort. The night feedings. The struggles and the joy. With Logan.

This was not a compromise. With all her heart, she yearned to fall in love with him. It was already happening. But could she want the same things he wanted? Don’t be afraid anymore, she told herself. When it’s right, you don’t have to be afraid. Maybe, she thought, it wasn’t the prospect of children that made her feel trapped but the way she approached a relationship and the way her partner treated her. Everything was different now. Everything. “Logan—”

“Let me finish.” He stroked her hair. “Listen. Everything I imagined when I thought about the future has changed. And it’s because of you. I want you to be my future. Not some image I had, not some concept in my head. You make me happy. You and me together—that’s what I want. Us.”

“I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“That now when I think of family, I think of you. And Charlie. I don’t need any more than that.”

Her breath caught, and then for no reason she could fathom, she started to cry. “I feel exactly the same way.”

“You do?”

“But I changed my mind about something, too.”

“Darcy—”

“No, listen. I’ve been so scared, for so long. Scared of hurt and disappointment. Then I realized disappointment doesn’t kill you. Either it just teaches you not to hope...or it shows you how strong you can be.”

“I won’t hurt you, Darcy. I won’t disappoint you.”

She trusted that with all her heart. “I know,” she said. “I want the future with you, too. I want the family. I want us.” Declaring this to him made her feel both vulnerable and liberated. She put her arms around him, praying she would never have to let him go. “What I don’t know is if I can keep from disappointing you.”

“I’ve heard you’re a true believer. You told me so yourself.”

“Yes.”

“Then you have to believe wishes can come true.”

One year later

Saddle Mountain was overrun with children, and Darcy loved it. She reveled in it—the noise, the chaos, the bickering, the laughter, the fun. It was easy to find delight in every moment. Even André and Angelica were present. Following her release, Maya had relocated to Avalon. She had a little rental apartment in town, and she worked at the bridal shop, doing alterations. She was in a safe place with her kids, far from her ex.

Another family had come for the holidays this year—the Fitzgeralds. The parents and sisters, Lydia and Badgley with their new baby. Huntley was nowhere to be found, and no one seemed to miss him.

The past year had been a time of growth and change for Darcy. It had not always been easy. She still caught herself looking over her shoulder, back at the past—but mostly she faced forward.

Falling in love with Logan was very physical. Not only in the standard sense of the word, with the pounding heart and giddy light-headedness. She felt all that, and it was incredibly beautiful, more wild and exhilarating than any ride on a snowboard or surfboard. But there was more to it than that.

When she was with him, she slept. This was a big change. She had not slept soundly until she found herself in Logan’s arms. After her marriage had died, she had tossed and turned, night after night, mulling the situation over and over in her mind, pacing the floor, trying every technique she could think of to sleep, but to no avail.

Now she knew why she hadn’t been sleeping. It was because she’d been filled with restlessness, knowing she needed more in her life but not knowing how to get there. Now, finally, with Logan, her heart was at home.

These days, she faced the future with a sense of wonder. This in itself was a miracle, because she had never before realized the possibilities life offered now that she’d found the person she was meant to spend her life with.

It was a love she had never before dared to imagine. A happiness she had never known could exist. It was not perfect. She was not perfect, nor was Logan. Their love was filled with imperfections. Yet it was beyond doubt the best thing that had ever happened to her.

On Christmas morning, Taffy the dog woke everyone up, and the children made a mad scramble for their presents. Darcy sat next to Logan and laughed as she watched them playing with boxing gloves, makeup sets, a xylophone, a karaoke machine.

“Hey, what about the pickle?” Charlie asked suddenly. “Darcy, come help me find it.”

The look Charlie shared with his dad made her suspicious, but she went over to the tree and peered through the branches. Charlie moved a swag of tinsel, and she heard the familiar, utterly silly yodeling sound. There it was, dangling in the middle, near the trunk.

“You found the Christmas pickle,” Charlie said.

She dangled the ornament for all to see. “The yodeling pickle. That’s awesome.”

“It means you get a prize,” Charlie reminded her.

“Sounds like my lucky day.”

“You’re going to have to excuse us,” Logan told everyone, standing up. “We’ll be back.”

Darcy’s breath caught. She thought about the past year. She and Logan had grown closer and closer, and she hoped with all her heart that they were about to take the next step together. At the moment, his face was unreadable.

They put on parkas and snowshoes and walked out into the woods together. It was a quiet, snowy morning, the air still, the birch trees and evergreens motionless. To Darcy it felt as if the world was holding its breath. They went to the clearing where they’d decorated the tall evergreen tree, both last year and this.

Logan took a flat, oblong package from his pocket. “I actually bought this last year, on Christmas Eve. I knew then, Darcy. I knew I wanted to be with you forever, but we were so new. I wanted you to feel ready. You were still hurting. I didn’t want to scare you.”

“I don’t hurt anymore and I’m not scared,” she said. “How’s that for a big change?”

He placed the box in her hands. It wasn’t a ring box.

She hated the fact that it wasn’t a ring box. It was covered in thick, glossy gold paper and tied with a bright golden bow.

“Go ahead,” he said. “Open it.”

She took off her mittens and removed the paper, then peeked into the slender black box. “A charm bracelet.” She smiled, but it felt bittersweet, because her expectations had painted a different scenario. “You got me a charm bracelet.” She lifted the silver chain from the box. It was pretty, catching glints of light.