“We could run away,” she suggested.

I didn’t have to respond. I could tell she didn’t believe it even as she said it. She was grasping—trying to find something to hold on to, something I might not have considered already, but there was nothing. I shook my head slowly.

“There’s nowhere to run.”

“There has to be another way.”

“There’s no other way, baby. I have to keep you safe, and if that means I have to fight, then I’m going to fight. I’ve done it plenty of times before. It’ll be simple.”

“Wait until you actually complete the task before you evaluate its simplicity,” Raine muttered.

“What?”

She shook her head.

“Something I heard from a professor.” She wouldn’t look at me, and strangely enough, I knew why.

Raine had never lied to me before, not about anything. Still, I knew she was covering something up. I rose up on my knees to look her straight in the face.

“Where did you really hear it?” I questioned.

Raine bit down on her lip and fiddled with her fingers before answering.

“A group meeting,” she admitted.

“What kind of group?”

With a tightened jaw, she finally looked into my eyes.

“It’s a support group for people living with alcoholics,” she said. “I don’t have a study group on Tuesday nights; I go to that group instead.”

She’d been telling me she was at a study group every week for the last couple of months and had apparently been lying to me about it the whole time. The revelation had taken me aback to the point where I didn’t know what to think, let alone respond.

What had she heard at this group? Was this organization trying to help people get away from people like me or how to live with us?

Pressure built up inside of me again.

“So, what?” I asked. “They tell you how to deal with people like me? Help you get away from me?”

“No,” she said. “I mean, yes, they sometimes talk about that, but that’s not why I went. I just thought they could help me understand you better.”

“Did it help?”

“Honestly, no,” she said. “I was hoping that it would, but it really hasn’t. It’s mostly people trying to one-up each other on who has had the roughest life. There were a few helpful things, and some really nice people, but no. Dealing with you is rather…unique.”

I let out a short laugh.

“I bet. You mean I’m a bigger asshole than the other alcoholics?”

“No,” she said, “you’ve got a better reason for it.”

I thought about that for a minute. Maybe I did have a good reason, and maybe I didn’t. Considering all the crazy shit in my past, she could probably top a big-ass cake with my stories, except she couldn’t tell anything to anyone.

She did realize that, didn’t she?

“You…you didn’t actually tell anyone…” I trailed off.

“No,” Raine confirmed, “of course not.”

Thank fucking God.

As I thought about it, I realized what a shit position I put her in. At least those other people had a place where they could vent—a place to explain what was happening with their lives, but Raine had nothing. She couldn’t tell people about me at all, which meant she had no one to confide in. Lindsay didn’t even know about all the shit in the past. Sure, she knew what had been revealed on television, but that iceberg could take out a fleet of Titanics.

I’m such a shit.

I stared at her as she went on.

“Knowing your reasons doesn’t mean I condone what you did,” Raine said. “I’m still mad about you getting drunk. I understand, though. I’m kind of wanting a drink myself right now.”

“I know,” I said with a nod. I was actually a little relieved to be back on the topic of drinking, considering everything else that still had to be said. “It’s not like I’m happy about it or anything—I feel like a total shithead. I don’t know what else to say about it. I fucked up. I won’t do it again. I can’t do it again.”

“Why not?”

My chest tightened.

“You’ll leave me,” I said. I felt pressure behind my eyes to go along with the tightness inside my chest. “I could tell when I saw you last night. If…if you did that, well, I’d still fight, but I’d probably lose. There wouldn’t be a fucking point to winning.”

“What about your son?”

I thought about my words for a second before responding, but all the revelations I had at the beach were still clear in my mind.

“It wouldn’t matter anymore,” I admitted. “I already knew he was out there. I already knew he was in that family. Without you, nothing else would matter to me anymore, not even him.”

“I don’t know how I feel about that,” she said quietly. “You should care about him.”

“I do,” I said. “Fuck, he’s the main reason I got drunk. I haven’t even seen a picture or anything, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. That and the whole tournament thing…I just couldn’t deal with it all.”

“And now you can?”

“No,” I admitted. I tried to compose myself again. “But when I saw your face last night…shit.”

I could feel myself putting up shields, trying to protect that inner core deep inside of me that knew I should let her go; she’d be better off. This whole situation was further proof being around me was dangerous and ultimately not in her best interest. I’d said it many times, and though she assured me over and over that I was worthy, it was still easy to forget.

Focus.

“I know I can’t do that again,” I said. “Fuck, I thought you were going to leave. I was so fucking sure of it.”

The pressure that had been building throughout the conversation reached a threshold, and I lost it. I launched myself at her, no longer able to tolerate any distance between us. Raine gasped as I grabbed her and pulled her against me.

“I can’t lose you!”

“I’m right here,” she said. She moved her arms around me and returned my embrace.

“I’m sorry…I won’t ever do it again,” I promised. “I’ll get us through this. I’ll keep you safe—I swear!”

“Oh, Bastian,” she said.

Raine pressed her lips to my forehead, and I turned quickly to capture them with my own. It was just a brief kiss, and as soon as we parted, I looked into her eyes.

“I can’t be without you, Raine,” I said. “I love you so fucking much, the thought tears me up. It makes me want to destroy everything in here, because if you left, every fucking thing in here would remind me of you. None of it would matter anymore because you are my fucking world.”

“I’m not going,” she said. She brought her hand up to my face and stroked my cheek. “I’m still here. I’m not happy about what happened, but I’m not leaving you. I love you, Bastian. That hasn’t changed.”

“I didn’t fuck it up?” I asked, needy asshole that I was. I needed to hear her say it again.

“You did mess up,” she said, “but I understand why you did it. Everyone’s allowed to make a single mistake. To be totally honest, I was pretty surprised you made it this long.”

I wondered if that’s what her support group had said—that I was probably going to drink again and that it was just a matter of time. I wanted to be pissed about it, but the evidence was on their side.

“One time,” I said quietly. “Never again.”

“I can put up with this one mistake,” she confirmed. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to tolerate this happening repeatedly.”

“We’re okay?” Damn my need for reassurance, but I had to hear it. I had to hear it again and again because there was still the child deep inside of me that knew—just knew—he wasn’t wanted. Not by her, not by anyone else, and not under any circumstances. No matter how perfect the man-child tried to be, no one would ever want him.

“I love you,” she said again. “We’re fine.”

The tension inside of me snapped. I brought her face back to mine and fought with myself to be gentle. I wanted to hold her so tightly that she could never get away from me. I wanted to possess her completely and know that she was mine and mine alone.

Instantly, I needed her. I needed her if I was ever going to get through any of this fucked-up mess called my life. She was my salvation, and I had to feel the physical affirmation of her forgiveness.

I kissed her slowly at first, but as everything that was piled up in my head threatened to resurface, I expelled the energy into her. I traced her lips with my tongue, grabbed at her bottom lip with my teeth, and pressed her body against the couch. Her hands came up under my arms and gripped my lower back through my shirt as she groaned into my mouth.

“I fucking need you,” I growled. “Now.”

Raine gripped the bottom of my shirt with her fingers and pulled it up over my head in response. I grabbed at my belt and struggled to pull it open as she removed her tank top and unhooked her bra. As soon as I saw her tits, my belt was forgotten. I went for her nipples and sucked one of them into my mouth and circled the other with my hand. I brushed over her nipple with my thumb as Raine moaned softly.

With my shorts only partially undone, my cock pressed painfully against the zipper, trying to get free but failing. I was too busy wanting to touch every part of her, stroke her skin, and attack her mouth with mine to even care. I managed to kick my shoes off as I shifted her so she was lying lengthwise on the couch and went back to her nipples.

Raine moved her hands down my back, sliding them lower until she reached my ass. She grabbed it with both hands and pulled my hardened cock against her leg. She pressed her thigh up against me and groaned.

“I want you,” she said. She took my face in her hands and pressed her mouth to mine. “Please—take me to bed.”