Shay Savage - Bastian’s Storm

“Bastian…don’t do this.”

“Do what?” I barked out a laugh. “Drink? I’m a fucking alcoholic, Raine. I told you that the first fucking day. That hasn’t fucking changed just because I didn’t have any alcohol available. I never stopped wanting it. Never. You know this shit.”

“You aren’t that person anymore, Bastian. I meant that. I wouldn’t be with someone like that. I couldn’t be with someone who I thought would hit me again.”

“I love you,” Raine said softly, her hand still on my arm, “but when you drink, you become someone else. I can’t be with that man, Bastian.”

“I won’t be.”

She took a couple of steps backwards, and I knew—I just knew—she was going to leave. My mouth dropped open, but I couldn’t form any words at first. I couldn’t move, either. It was as if my central nervous system was trying to fire every neuron inside of it at once, and each and every one of them failed to respond.

Can’t let this happen…just can’t…For fuck’s sake, Stark, get your shit together.

“Don’t,” I whispered as I shook my head. “Please don’t.”

Even through my drunken haze, I could see it all in her face—the confusion, the sorrow, the anger. Her face seemed to fall as her shoulders slumped. I could see the tears forming in her eyes as she backed away again.

“No…no, Raine…” I reached out for her, but toppled forward and down onto my knees. My head pulsed and my eyes couldn’t focus well, but I could still see her in front of me. Reaching out and crawling forward, I found her thigh with my hand.

With my chest tightening around my heart and lungs, I grabbed for her and pulled her closer until my head was against her stomach.

“Don’t leave!” I begged. “Please, baby. I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…please, please, God, Raine—don’t go!”

I clung to her.

Raine.

My lifeline.

The sails of my ship.

The only calm for my storm.

My only reason to exist in this fucked up world.

“Don’t leave me!” I sobbed against her. If she pushed me away, if she turned around and left me, I wouldn’t survive. No tournament game would matter. No orphaned child would matter. I couldn’t do any of it without her.

When I felt her hand cradle the back of my head, I almost dropped the rest of the way to the floor. If I hadn’t been clutching her so tightly, I probably would have. Tears burned as I clenched my eyes shut, and I was sure Raine’s shirt was getting soaked with them. I didn’t care. None of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was holding on to her.

“Don’t go,” I pleaded again.

“I’m not going,” she said quietly. “I’m right here, Bastian. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry,” I cried. Raine said something under her breath, but I couldn’t hear it through my own sobbing. Her hand ran through the hair on the back of my head as she sunk down to her knees and held my head against her shoulder.

We stayed like that for a long time, kneeling on the floor and holding on to each other. I wrapped my arms underneath hers and up around her shoulders, trying to keep her as close to me as possible. Even though she said she wouldn’t leave, I was afraid she could change her mind at any moment.

The dizziness of overindulgence wrapped itself around my head. My nose was stuffed up, and I couldn’t breathe properly. A moment later, my stomach joined the party.

Fuck.

“Gonna be sick,” I muttered as I pushed away from her. I blundered my way into the bathroom just in time to fall against the toilet and start puking. My stomach heaved and my hands shook. My back arched as my body tried to eliminate all the shit I had put into it. I could hardly hold myself up when I was done, but Raine was right there with her hand on my shoulder, offering me a glass of water.

I rinsed my mouth and spat into the toilet before reaching up to flush it.

“What the hell happened with the toothpaste?” Raine mumbled quietly.

I glanced up to see her picking my toothbrush off of the floor and wiping the paste out of the sink. She carefully distributed a little onto the brush and knelt beside me.

“Do you think you’re done?” she asked.

I thought about it for a second before nodding.

“Do you need help with this?” She held up the brush, and I shook my head. “I’ll be in the bedroom when you’re finished.”

My head was a little clearer as I leaned against the sink and cleaned myself up. I brushed my teeth, splashed water all over my face, and looked at myself in the mirror. My normally blue eyes looked almost purple with all the bloodshot lines running through them. I was pale, and my hair was a mess. I tried to calm it with my fingers before I put everything away as best I could and headed to the bedroom.

I looked at Raine where she sat up on her side of the bed. She had the blankets pulled back on my side, so I crawled in beside her, reaching out tentatively. I was relieved and a little surprised when she accepted my embrace and pulled me close to her.

“What happened, Bastian?”

“I ordered a drink,” I whispered.

“Where?”

“Bar Crudo.”

“The place down the block?”

“Yes,” I said. “I go there every day.”

“You go to that bar every day?”

I nodded.

“And…and what?” her voice broke. “You usually just sober up before I get home?”

“No!” I looked up to her, pleading. “I never have before—I swear. I’m there every day, but I never order anything. This was the first time. Please believe me, Raine—this was the only time. I didn’t mean to…it just…it just happened.”

Raine’s lips mashed together as she stared at me.

“I don’t know if I should believe you or not,” she said.

“I swear,” I repeated. “I never drank anything there or at that other place.”

“What other place?”

Shit.

I really wasn’t handling this well. I was just sober enough after puking to know how much worse I was making it.

“There was one other bar I went to,” I admitted. “That night I got pissed and left you with Lindsay and Nick.”

“That’s why you were gone so long,” she surmised.

“Yeah,” I admitted, “but I didn’t drink anything, not a drop.”

She nodded her head slowly. I wasn’t sure if she believed me or not, but when she started stroking the back of my head, I decided not to care right at the moment. I tucked my head into her shoulder. She smelled so nice, and her hands were warm on my head. I felt my dick getting hard from the proximity of her body, and I pulled her a little closer.

“My cock still wants you,” I said.

“I kind of doubt you are up for that right now,” Raine replied tersely.

“It’s up for it,” I countered. “Anytime I’m near you.”

“I’ve noticed that.”

I debated if I should confess about the cage fighting but decided against it. She might have forgotten about me coming home battered, and I didn’t want to make an already painful situation worse by adding additional transgressions. I thought affirmation was a better idea.

“All I ever want is you,” I proclaimed. “Even when that other girl touched me, I just thought about you and came back home.”

Raine tensed.

“What girl?” she asked. Her voice was hard and flat. Her hand cupped my cheek, and she turned my head to face her. Raine’s eyes were dark, and I realized what I had just said.

Ah, fuck.

Bad affirmation.

“What girl?” she demanded.

“At the other bar,” I whispered.

“What other bar?”

“Um…” I stammered. “Over in Hialeah.”

Raine continued to stare at me.

“I didn’t touch her,” I said. “She touched me, but I left.”

“What do you mean, she touched you?”

A whole new typhoon of panic swirled around me as I tried to figure out how to tell her what had happened without bringing up the fighting. Thinking about the fighting made me realize she still knew nothing about my talk with Landon and about what I was going to have to do. I was still too intoxicated to make any sense, and I knew if I opened my mouth, all the wrong shit was going to come out of it.

“Bastian, tell me what the hell you are talking about!”

“I can’t,” I said. “Not right now…please? I have to tell you, but I can’t right now.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about!” She started to push away from me, but I clung on.

“There’s shit I gotta do—for you…for him…” I babbled, not even completely sure I knew what I was saying. “I gotta do it, Raine. I don’t want to, but I have to.”

“I don’t understand!” Raine insisted.

I knew I wasn’t explaining myself well; there just wasn’t anything else I could say. I was too fucked up to tell her I had to fight again, and every word out of my mouth was the wrong one. Anything I said could and would be held against me and with good reason.

I reverted to the single phrase that couldn’t get me into more trouble.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” I mumbled against her neck over and over again.

“Why, Bastian?” she asked. “Why did you do this now? If you’ve been going to that place every day, why did you take a drink today?”

I squeezed my eyes closed, gripped her tightly against me, and took a deep breath.

“I have a son,” I whispered.

My declaration was made. At least for now, we’d leave it at that.

At some point in the middle of the night, I woke and hobbled over to the bathroom. I was still a little drunk and thought I might be sick again. I crouched down and leaned against the tub as I stared into the toilet water.