Without really thinking about what I was doing, I started to turn away.

“Don’t go, Stelle.”

If Vincent’s voice wasn’t enough to glue me to one spot, those eyes definitely were. They were so full of lust and desperation that I had to turn my head away. My legs still refused to budge—they were so immobilized by him that I was pretty sure my feet had grown roots and were absorbing nutrients from the sidewalk.

“Stelle?” Vincent asked, his voice uncertain.

I sighed into the night air, wishing I was a stronger human being, wishing I had the guts to pull away from him. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I knew as soon as he took a step towards me because my body went into some weird sense of hyper-awareness. The tiny hairs on my arms were standing straight up and every nerve in my body was reaching out, wanting to be closer to the source that was making me feel this way.

Vincent. I wanted Vincent.

And then he was in front of me, and those eyes burned into me like coals. And, still, I didn’t move. I couldn’t bring myself to move away from him. He was all wrong for me. He wasn’t the kind of guy you spent the rest of your life with. But then why wasn’t I running in the opposite direction?

“Say it.” Vincent’s voice was low as he ducked his head down to meet me; those lips of his were like a cruel taunt. “I want you to say it.”

What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t even form words, so I did some weird half-shrug thing. Wow. The hottest guy to walk this town was inches away from me and all I could manage was some lackluster gesture. I was too pathetic for words.

Vincent let out a low growl that sent shivers shooting across my skin. “I told you, I won’t lay a hand on you until you tell me to, Stelle.” Vincent’s eyes were hooded, dark with lust. The look in his eyes made me weak and I felt my pulse speed up. He leaned in, his mouth close to mine. “And I really want you to.”

I lowered my mouth to his. “I want you.”

And then without warning, our bodies were one. Vincent’s hands were everywhere. We were the same person. He was kissing me everywhere and every part of me was alive.

Vincent was bringing me back to life.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Estella

There were things Vincent needed to know about me—things that I couldn’t even begin to explain about myself and my life.

I wanted him to know about that dark part of me, but I didn’t want to scare him away. I didn’t want him to look at me differently; I wanted to be the same person but for him to have a better understanding of who I was.

Pressing my eyes shut, I started to speak, the words flowing from my mouth as though they had wanted to escape for many years now.

* * *

Two and a half years ago


The first night it happened, it had been a pretty ordinary night.

It’d been a month after Mom had left home, and it’d been the first time we’d really had a proper family dinner.

Seth had just landed his real estate job and had wanted to celebrate with us, so he’d brought over some groceries—and his new girlfriend, Mandy—and I’d cooked dinner. Dad didn’t engage much in the conversation, but at least he’d made an effort to look somewhat presentable. I think Seth had had a good talking to with him and gotten through to him.

Afterwards, we cleared some space in the living room and played Twister for an hour or so while Dad watched. Dad did a lot of that lately. He especially watched Savannah and me with this wistful look on his face.

By the time we finished playing, Seth and Mandy got into some sort of disagreement, and she stormed outside with Seth on her heels. Since I was tired, I headed to my room and climbed into bed.

Since my room was at the front of the house, I could hear Seth and Mandy’s raised voices as they fought in his car, but couldn’t quite make out their words. Eventually, even their voices weren’t enough to keep me away, and I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

I jolted awake when the bed shifted.

There was a figure climbing into my bed, and covering my mouth with a hand at the same time. Fear jolted through me, and I let out a scream that was muffled by the hand over my mouth.

He climbed on top me, placing both legs on either side of me, and lowered his lips to my ear. “Listen to me carefully.” The strong scene of alcohol invaded my nostrils. “I want you to be the good, little girl that you are. I want to take my hand off your mouth, but I can’t do that if you’re going to scream, okay? If you scream, I’m going to go into your sister’s room, and I know you don’t want that, do you?”

Panic set in, and I shook my head furiously. I did not want him going into Savannah’s room. I had to protect her.

“Good.” He sounded satisfied at my compliance. “I’m going to take my hand away now, and I want you to be good. Remember, otherwise I’ll have to play with Anna.”

I nodded again to show him that I understood, and he slowly took his hand off my mouth. When I didn’t scream, he lowered his mouth to my ear. “You are such a good girl, Estella. I’ve been watching you all night, thinking of a way to show you how much I love you.”

The panic was still there, but now it had shifted to me instead. I had never imagined that I would ever be in a situation like this. Things like this only happened in movies; they couldn’t possibly happen to girls like me who did well in school and didn’t drink or do drugs or hang out with boys.

There was no way it could be happening to me.

He shoved the quilt aside and pulled down my pajama pants, tossing them aside. He fingered the fabric of my panties, letting out a sigh at the same time. “You have no idea how desperately I want to be inside you, Estella. You are so beautiful.”

Even though it was hard to make out his features in the darkness, I stared up at him desperately. “Please,” I begged, “don’t do this. You’re better than this. You’re a good person.”

He pinned me down hard, pressing into me as he tore my panties off. “I’m not a good person, Estella. That’s why she left me. But you can make me better. Make me good again.”

A scream caught in my throat as he pushed deep inside me, but I remembered to stay quiet. If I screamed, he would do this to Savannah, and there was no way I would let him ruin her life.

He paused when he met some resistance, and when he spoke, I could sense the smile in his voice. “I’m your first, baby? You have no idea how happy that makes me. Now, I’m going to make you happy.”

No, no, no. My first time wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was saving myself for someone special. I was saving myself for someone I was in love with. My first time wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“Please,” I pleaded, as he began pushing in and out of me, “stop, please.”

But he didn’t stop. He kept going. He fingered my hair and kissed my neck, and he didn’t pull out until he ejaculated inside me.

As he got off me and pulled his pants back on, his final words haunted me. “Keep me happy, Estella, the way your mother used to. Don’t tell anyone about this or I’ll have to get Savannah to keep me happy.”

Then he was gone.

* * *

Two years ago

Seth and I never talked about what he did to me. When other people were around, he acted like he hadn’t violated me like that. I was scared to be alone with him, but I was also scared of what he might do to Anna. I knew that I had to get him to stop what he was doing to me.

One day something inside me snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take feeling dirty, and wrong, and weak, and disgusted with myself. One day, before he led me into my room, I pushed him away.

Seth stared at me in surprise. He’d been so used to getting what he wanted from me that he couldn’t believe that I wasn’t doing what he wanted me to.

“Estella, what’s going on?”

“No.” My voice shook as I rolled up the sleeve of my sweater.

Forgetwas written on it in black permanent marker.

Seth’s eyes shot down to my arm and then back to my face. “What are you doing, Estella? Think carefully before you do something stupid.”

I spit on my arm and began rubbing on the spot where ‘forget’ was written. The marker began to fade away and slowly the letters beneath it began to reveal themselves:

Seth

I was scarred. I was disfigured. I was forever ruined. Seth had branded himself on me and I could never escape what he’d done to me. I kept my arm hidden from everyone because I hated that part of me. I hated the tattoo that he had made me get a few months ago. I hated that I had been weak and unable to stand up for myself.

I refused to let this continue. I would not be a scared, little girl forever. I would be strong. I would be strong for the family that I had to hold together.

“I’ve been weak for too many months.” I looked him right in the eye as I spoke. “You cannot touch me. You cannot have me. I am not yours.”

I thrust my arm out at Seth and watched the gleam shoot through them as he admired the brand he had given me. He was such a sick person. “This does not mean you own me. You can’t make someone love you or want to be with you. What you did to me was not love; it was rape. You raped me physically and mentally and emotionally. You left me with a scar that I can’t erase. You made me weak. But you know what? Sometimes you have to be at your weakest to find your strength.”

Seth took a step back and it made me happy that he was the one who was worried now. “You’re making a huge mistake.”