Tara Sivec - Worn Me Down

“Yeah, she’s going to be just fine,” Brady says with a laugh.

When they get Gwen up the stairs and into the back of the ambulance, I climb inside with Emma in my arms and set her down in my lap on the bench along the side as Brady slides in next to us. The ambulance siren screams as the vehicle starts up and speeds out of the parking lot and the paramedic starts an I.V. in Gwen’s arm.

I try to keep my fears at bay as I look Gwen over and all of the bruises and blood that mark her beautiful face.

Leaning forward with Emma in my arms, I kiss the top of Gwen’s head as she fights to stay conscious.

“I love you, Gwen, do you hear me? I love you so fucking much,” I whisper in her ear.

“Austin!” Emma scolds, holding her small hand out in between us.

“You know what, how about I just write you a check for college?” I ask as Brady chuckles next to me.

Gwen doesn’t say a word, but I see a small smile tug at the corner of her mouth before she loses her battle and passes out.

Three months later…

My boots crunch through the snow on the sidewalk as I make my way to the front door and stick my key in the lock. As I quietly push the door open, I’m met with the sight of a huge Christmas tree lit up in the corner of the room and stockings hung by the fireplace. I smile to myself as I close the door behind me, dropping my go-bag on the floor and kicking my boots off.

“Don’t you even think of leaving your stuff there on the floor, I just cleaned the house.”

Looking up, I can’t stop the huge grin that spreads across my face when I see Gwen standing at the end of the hallway wearing nothing but one of my dress shirts with her arms folded, giving me a dirty look. I’ve only been gone two weeks, but it felt like a lifetime. I never really cared much about going home in between missions before, perfectly fine with moving right on to something else without any down time, but things are different now.

“But I’m home two days early, darlin’, doesn’t that earn me a few brownie points?” I ask.

I watch as Gwen tries to keep a stern face, but quickly loses the battle. She lets out a squeal and races across the room. I have just enough time to brace myself as she throws herself into my arms and wraps her legs around my waist. Holding her tightly to me, I bury my face in the side of her neck and breathe her in while she runs her fingers through my hair. I was an asshole for ever thinking I could live without this woman. It’s been a tough road getting to where we are now, but every single day has been worth it.

After a few days in the hospital to repair her arm from that day in the wine cellar three months ago, Gwen went through a really hard time, understandably. She couldn’t stand to have Emma out of her sight for more than a few seconds at a time and after so many years of trying to be strong all on her own, it finally took its toll on her and she broke down. All I wanted to do was hold onto her and never let her go, try to make everything better, but she didn’t want to have anything to do with me. She hated herself for allowing Ellie to fool her and she hated me even more for being the one to help rescue her and Emma when I had left them without looking back. She’d tried for so long to be strong and independent and it killed her that once again she had to lean on someone else for help to save her.

Brady and I had been taking turns between standing watch over Gwen and being with Emma back at the apartment. I was climbing the walls and nothing made it better. If I was at the hospital holding Gwen’s hand while she was under anesthesia in between surgeries, I was thinking about Emma and anxious to get home to her. If I was with Emma watching movies and tucking her in at night, I was thinking about Gwen and wishing I could be with her. Nothing would get better until both of my girls were back under the same roof and I could breathe again.

After Gwen’s second surgery, I sat in my usual spot in an uncomfortable chair pulled up right next to her bed. With my elbows resting on the edge, I gently held the hand of her injured arm in both of mine, tracing the lines of her palm and talking to her softly. She had yet to wake up or give us any indication that she heard us ever since that hint of a smile in the ambulance. The doctors assured us that it was just her mind’s way of healing after such a trauma, but I still didn’t like it. I wanted to see her eyes, I needed to hear her voice… I just needed HER.

Five minutes before I needed to head home to relieve Brady from Emma duty, I pressed my lips to Gwen’s cheek and whispered in her ear how much I loved her. When I pulled back, she was looking right at me.

“Oh my God it’s so good to see those beautiful eyes again,” I told her softly as tears pooled in my eyes.

I placed kisses all over her face, excited laughter bubbling out of me mixed with tears now that she was finally awake. I ran my hand over the top of her head, down her cheek and over her shoulder. I just couldn’t stop touching her.

She didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at me while I fussed over her. A few minutes later, she finally moved her uninjured hand up to her face and yanked the oxygen mask away. When she tried to speak, it came out raspy and garbled. I quickly moved to the other side of her bed and grabbed a cup of water with a straw that the nurse had placed on her bedside table earlier and held it to her lips.

After a few slow sips and a couple of coughs, she finally spoke. “Where’s Emma?”

I placed the cup back on the table and smiled down at her. “She’s at home with Brady. We’ve been taking turns being with her and being here with you. She’s going to be so happy that you’re awake.”

I reached for her good hand, but she quickly pulled it away. I tried not to let it bother me, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it hurt a little. I just wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her what an idiot I was.

“I think you should go now,” she whispered.

I glanced at the clock on the wall and nodded. “Yeah, I need to get back to Brady’s place so he can have his turn up here with you.”

She shook her head, refusing to look at me. “No, I mean, you need to go. I don’t want you here and I don’t want you around Emma.”

My heart skipped a beat and I was afraid that I might start bawling like a baby if I didn’t try to remain calm. She just woke up. She’s confused and she’s been through a lot. That was all this was.

Before I can speak and reassure her that I wasn’t going anywhere ever again, she continued. “You made your choice to leave and now I’m making mine. I don’t want you anymore, I don’t need you anymore, and my daughter sure as hell doesn’t need someone like you in her life that thinks he can just walk away whenever he wants. Get. Out.”

As her voice grew stronger and louder with each word, it garnered the attention of one of the nurses that was walking by. She immediately came into the room and asked Gwen if there was a problem.

Not wanting to make a scene, I walked out of the room wondering how in the hell I would ever be able to change her mind.

Even though she flat out told me not to come back, there was no fucking way I could listen to her. No matter how hard Brady and I tried to convince her that she wasn’t alone and that she should lean on us, she didn’t want to hear it, especially from me. In her mind, she had failed her daughter and it broke her heart.

And it broke mine to see her like that. Everything about my life had changed the moment her and her attitude walked in the door and the first time Emma demanded that I give her money for her swear jar. It wasn’t just about me anymore and about my future. The only thing I cared about was making sure these two women, who meant more to me than anything else in the world, were happy.

After Gwen got out of the hospital, I went to Brady’s place every single day. And every single day, Gwen would lock herself in her bedroom and refuse to talk to me. I knew it would be hard to convince her that I wanted to be in hers and Emma’s life and that I had made a horrible mistake by walking out on them, but as I’ve said before, I’m a Navy SEAL and we don’t give up very easily.

Brady decided not to kick my ass for sleeping with his sister and instead gave me a few pointers. I knew showing up with flowers would never be a good fucking idea so instead, I just showed up.

Every day for a month.

I turned down the mission to Kuwait and took that month off to show Gwen that she couldn’t get rid of me that easily. Since she wouldn’t speak to me, I spent the time with Emma making sure she was healing okay from the day in the wine cellar, letting her teach me how to be a father and tucking her in every night. Eventually, Emma wouldn’t let Gwen hide out in her room and forced her to interact with me. To say I was scared to death to finally talk to her is an understatement. I had so many things I wanted to say to her and I didn’t want them to come out wrong. But most of all, I needed to know if she could handle a life with me. And if that’s what she even wanted anymore.

As I hold Gwen in my arms and stare around my rental house at the Christmas decorations and other womanly touches that Gwen and Emma have scattered everywhere, I smile thinking about the day she finally gave in.

Brady left a little while ago to finish up some paperwork at the office. I knew he did it to give Gwen and I some time alone together now that she’s started to warm up to me a little more and I don’t know whether to thank him or kick his ass. By the way Gwen is glaring at me over by the door, I’m guessing she’d have no problem doing the ass kicking.