Tara Sivec - Worn Me Down

“I didn’t want you to know,” I tell him, turning around to face him.

He looks at me in confusion. “Why the hell wouldn’t you want me to know about this? I can help you; I can keep you safe.”

“I don’t need a hero to come to my fucking rescue!” I tell him indignantly.

“I saw what that bastard did to you for all those years and I’m not about to let it happen again,” he argues. “I’m not trying to be a hero, Gwen. This is my job, what I’m trained to do.”

I ignore the hurt I feel at his words. I don’t want to be just a job to him.

“God dammit, don’t you see? I HATE that you had to see that file. I hate that you’re looking at me the way you are right now – like I’m some weak, pathetic person who waited ten years before finally getting out of that hell. But most of all, I hate that it’s true! I hate myself every fucking day for not leaving sooner,” I admit, tears threatening to fall.

I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes to keep them at bay before dropping my arms to my sides and continuing. “I hate the person I used to be and I tried so hard to leave her behind. I changed the way I dressed, I changed my hair… I changed everything about myself, but I can’t change the past. I can’t make the memories go away and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t want-”

Austin’s hands frame my face and his lips are on mine, cutting me off mid-sentence just like I did to him the other night. Unlike that kiss though, this one is soft and slow. He takes his time coaxing my lips open before sliding his tongue gently through my mouth, his thumbs rubbing soothingly back and forth against my cheeks as he holds my face in his hands. I forget everything but the feel of his mouth on me and the way his tongue slowly circles around my own. He makes me forget why I’m scared and he makes me forget why I have to be strong on my own. My hands move up to cover his on either side of my face and I let him take me away with his kiss. I float away to a place where there are no scars and no fear, where I don’t have to look over my shoulder every second of the day and I can be whomever I want. I allow myself to let go and just drink in this man, memorizing the softness of his lips and the taste of his tongue as he works it through my mouth achingly slow.

Austin stops the kiss all too soon, placing one last soft peck on my lips before pulling his head away, his hands still holding onto my face.

“Let’s get one thing straight here – I have never thought you were weak or pathetic and I sure as fuck don’t think so right now. I can’t even imagine half of the shit you went through. I’ve seen SEALS break under a lot less. You did what you had to do for yourself and Emma, and that’s all that matters.”

Closing my eyes, I lean my head forward and he rests his chin on top.

“Now, you’re going to stop being so damn stubborn and let me help you. We’re going to track down this bastard and throw his fucking ass in jail.”

The sound of footsteps on the kitchen tile has me pulling away from Austin to see Emma standing there with a huge smile on her face.

“Ooooh, you said the BIG one. That will be ten dollars, please,” she tells Austin with her hand out.

I smile for the first time since I opened the apartment door this morning and saw the flowers. Austin sighs, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out his wallet.

“You know, pipsqueak, I’m going to be broke before long,” he tells her, smacking a ten dollar bill into her waiting hand.

Emma shrugs, sticking the money into the front pocket of her pants. “Well then, you should stop saying bad words.”

Austin laughs and shakes his head at her, bending over and scooping her up into his arms. Emma squeals and begs for mercy as he tickles her.

The phone on the wall in the kitchen rings and I’m still smiling as I walk over to answer it. “Hello?”

There’s silence on the other end of the line so I try again. “Hello? Is anyone there?”

I turn away from Austin and Emma carrying on over by the door and strain to hear through the line. I think I hear something, so I plug one ear and listen harder.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. What was that?”

The sounds of Austin and Emma laughing disappear as I hear the quiet, whispered words on the other end of the line. “You can’t hide forever.”

Quickly pulling the receiver away like it’s a snake about ready to strike, I slam it back into its cradle so hard that the base cracks.

I stare at the phone as I hear Austin speak to Emma. “Hey, pipsqueak, how about you go back into your room and pick out a movie for us to watch together, okay?”

“Can we watch The Pretty Pink Princesses?” Emma asks.

Austin groans. “Why can’t they be blue or yellow? Fine, Pretty Pink Princesses it is.”

Emma races out of the room and Austin walks over to me. “Who the hell was that?”

I wrap my arms around myself and rub away the goose bumps that formed as soon as I heard the whispered words. “I think it was him. I don’t know, I couldn’t tell. He spoke in a whisper and I could barely hear him. He said I couldn’t hide forever.”

Just repeating the words out loud fills me with fear.

“Son of a bitch. I’m calling a cop friend of mine that lives in New York. He can find out when this dick left the city and then get me in touch with local law enforcement here in Nashville,” Austin says.

Just then, the shrill ringing of the phone fills the kitchen once more. I immediately back away from the phone, not wanting anything to do with it now. Austin steps around me, yanks the receiver off the hook and shouts angrily into the phone.

“I swear to Christ if you call here again you cowardly piece of shit, I will rip out… oh, my bad. Sorry about that, hold on just a second.”

Austin turns and hands the phone out to me. “Sorry, it’s that friend of yours, Ellie.”

To say I’m in shock is an understatement. I really didn’t expect to hear from Ellie again any time soon after our disastrous meeting at the restaurant the other night. I’m not sure if I’m still pissed at her or not. Right now though, I’m scared for her. If William is trying to get to me, she’s going to be caught in the middle and no matter how mad or disappointed I am in her, I don’t want her to get hurt.

I reach out slowly and take the phone from Austin’s hand and bring it to my ear.

“Ellie, I didn’t think I’d-”

The sounds of her sobs through the line stop me. “Gwen, oh God, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do. I never meant for this to happen and now he’s mad. He’s so mad.”

She starts crying harder and I look up at Austin, not knowing what to do.

“Ellie, calm down. What happened? Where are you?”

Ellie takes hiccupping breaths and it breaks my heart. “I’m still in Nashville. He followed me here, Gwen. I’m so scared.”

No matter what happened between us, Ellie is still my oldest and dearest friend. I’m not about to let the same thing happen to her that happened to me.

“Tell me where you are. I’m coming to get you.”

I’m getting attached. Son of a bitch, I’m getting attached to these two girls and it’s making me do stupid shit like kiss Gwen again and move her and Emma in with me.

The kiss can be easily explained away – I hated the way she was putting herself down. She’s the strongest fucking woman I’ve ever met after the shit she went through and I wasn’t about to stand there and let her think otherwise. It was the only thing I could think to do to get her to stop feeling bad about herself.

The moving in thing? Well, obviously I had to do it. She and Emma couldn’t stay at Brady’s apartment when that asshole she’s married to knows where she lives and could come after her at any time. It’s not like it means anything or it’s a permanent thing. I live in a rental house; I’m not staying here forever and the girls will go back to their own place when all of this is done and I’ll move on to the next thing. I’m a SEAL; it’s my job to protect people no matter who they are.

I absolutely do not want a ready-made family and I’m sure I’ll regret having them in my personal space in no time. I like being alone, I’m used to being by myself and not having to answer to anyone and if anything, the two of them with all their girly pink shit all over the place will just make it easier to walk away when this is over.

Right, keep telling yourself that, buddy.

“Did you really need to bring all of the Barbies and every single outfit they own?” I ask Emma as she stands each of her dolls up against my couch cushions.

“I couldn’t leave them there, they’d be sad all alone,” Emma explains as she pulls the last doll out of her bag and places her on the coffee table, away from the others.

“Is there a reason why that Barbie is duct-taped to a Barbie chair?” Gwen asks, coming into the living room after making another call to Ellie.

Ellie was adamant that Gwen not come and get her. She was afraid for Gwen’s safety and didn’t want her anywhere near the hotel she was staying in just in case William came back. That was fine with me. It’s not like I was going to let Gwen go alone and get her anyway.

I look over at Gwen and pretend like it doesn’t feel right to have her in my place.

“She’s an insurance, mom. Mr. Austin and I were trying to get her to talk,” Emma answers.

Gwen looks at me in confusion and I laugh. “It’s insurgent, pipsqueak. And yep, that Barbie went off the rails so we had to take extreme measures.”

Gwen shakes her head and I walk towards the kitchen, motioning for her to follow. “We’ll be right back, pipsqueak. You keep working on Barbie over there and let me know if she gives up the goods.”