There was nothing quite so lonely as crawling into bed alone four thousand miles from home. My legs were restless under the sheets, my limbs aching with the need to do something. A good mattress workout would do the trick.

Ben beneath me.

Come on top, cowgirl.

I remembered the way he lifted me by the hips, moving me over him, positioning himself at my entrance . . . controlling both our pleasure.

A hot shiver ripped through my body, making me crave him more. I was so wrapped up in him, my emotions twisted and raw, my body hot with desire, that I briefly considered just quitting—flying back to New York and looking for a regular job. One without supermodels and bitchy British cougars. I was a wreck.

I kicked the covers off my restless legs, suddenly too warm. Several days without hearing from Ben, especially now that we’d been intimate, seemed like a lifetime. At least Fiona and I were getting along okay. Thankfully, she didn’t suspect that I’d hooked up with her prized possession. Otherwise, shit would hit the fan. Hard. I’d kept things professional with her this week and tried my best not to let her cryptic comments cut into me. But during the quiet times, and especially at night, I couldn’t help my mind from drifting to thoughts of Ben. I wondered what he was doing. If he was sleeping okay. What all those pill bottles were for. I know I should just let it go, but something inside me couldn’t.

I needed some girl talk. I grabbed my phone and checked the time before dialing Ellie.

We caught up briefly while she got ready for work. Mostly she complained about the new roommate drinking all her soy milk. I took a deep breath and decided to tell her about things heating up with Ben.

“I will spazz if you tell me you’ve slept with him,” she said.

I chuckled. “Initiate spazzing.”

“WHAT?!” She screamed into the phone, making me laugh harder. “Holy shit, Emmy. Details, stat.”

“Well he’s amazing. Honestly. The best ever. http://mobilism.org

“Wowza. Big dick, too?”

“Ellie!” I laughed again.

“What? Inquiring minds want to know. What’s that boy workin’ with? A teeny peeny or hung like a hippo?”

“Um . . . hippo.” I couldn’t keep the smile from my face. God, I missed Ellie. I was seriously overdue for some girl time.

“So what’s the problem?”

I took a deep breath. “It’s just . . . he’s repeatedly told me he doesn’t want a relationship. I think I’m in over my head.”

“Babe. His dong rivals a Subway foot long. Enjoy it. What the fuck is there to think about?”

I let out a sigh. She made it sound so easy. “He’s hard not to fall for, Ellie. He’s gorgeous, smart, funny, considerate, amazing in bed. . . .” The list went on. Oh, and apparently he had more issues than Vogue—according to Gunnar.”

“Ah. I see. Well listen, baby girl. There’s no reason you can’t be the one in control. This isn’t about love, or being tied down. Do you think any man on the planet would think twice about engaging in some no-strings-sex with a supermodel? Of course not. Any man would go for it. Hit it and quit it. Think like a man, Emmy. Think with your dick.”

I laughed again at her choice of words. Fuck buddies with Ben Shaw, I could do that.

After Ellie’s pep talk, I felt a little more encouraged and in control about my relationship with Ben.

“I’ve gotta get to work,” she reminded me.

“’Kay. And I’ve got to get some sleep. Talk soon.”

“Mwah!” Ellie said, ending the call.

I curled up on my side, hugging the pillow beside me, and was just about asleep when my phone chimed beside me. My hands scrambled for it in the dark. Just that little chime made me think of Ben, which in turn made me horny. I was like a trained Pavlov dog for that sound.

Ben: It’s my birthday . . . in four minutes

I glanced at the clock. Almost midnight. I hadn’t known it was his birthday tomorrow, today, whatever. I smiled at the image of him lying in bed alone, several floors up, feeling alone and just needing someone to know it was his birthday. I liked that I was the person he reached out to. I waited until the clock changed to midnight then texted him back.

Me: Happy Birthday

Ben: Thanks, beautiful. You should come to my birthday dinner tomorrow night.

I replied that I would be there, and Ben provided the name of the restaurant. I hadn’t known there was a birthday dinner for him. Surely Fiona had planned it. Normally, she made me handle everything—from sending her clothes out to be laundered, to booking her monthly bikini waxes. My only conclusion was that she’d wanted to keep this from me. Tomorrow night should be interesting.

10

Emmy

I stood naked in front of the full-length mirror while the bathtub filled. Lazy heat vapors drifted toward the ceiling as I inspected myself in the mirror. My thighs jiggled when I walked, my breasts, while still high, would sag with their weight as I aged. It was just gravity. I pressed my hands into my fleshy hips, willing them to shrink. I’d never been so aware of my body in my entire life. It turned out getting naked with a supermodel would do that to you. I remembered Ben’s hoarse whisper, the desire in his voice when he said I was soft. But maybe I was only remembering it the way I wanted to. Maybe he’d prefer I had a six-pack, or a tiny, firm little butt.

Once the tub was filled, I stepped into the steaming hot water and sank down, submerging myself in the fragrant bubbles. I lathered every part of my body, exfoliated every inch, and shaved every bit of hair until I was bare. I shampooed and conditioned my hair, and made sure all of me was scrubbed clean. As much as I’d told myself that I couldn’t be with Ben again, I didn’t trust my body not to betray me.

I emerged pruned and boneless. But I felt wonderful. After wrapping myself in the fluffy robe from the wardrobe, I worked the calluses from my heel and, trimmed, filed and painted my fingernails and toenails. I plucked stray eyebrows in the magnifying mirror in the full sunlight pouring through my window where I could see every speck of everything. After every pore was extracted and spotless, I expertly applied my makeup and styled my hair. I slathered lotion on my skin, mixing in several droplets of baby oil. I was soft and glowing when I was done. I knew I couldn’t compete with the women Ben attracted, but my self-confidence had tripled in the last hour. I needed this. I wanted to feel sexy tonight. Powerful and in control. Ellie would be proud.

I slipped into my black skinny jeans, ballet flats, and a gauzy cream top that fell off one shoulder. I added a few chunky necklaces and fluffed my hair one last time. Ready as I’d ever be.

The dinner was being held at a swanky restaurant on the river. I found it strange that Fiona had booked the reservation for Ben’s birthday herself. I hoped she wasn’t going to shit a brick at the sight of me. I arrived a few minutes after eight and learned our party was still having drinks at the bar.

I took a moment to gather myself and scope out my surroundings. Deep beats of house music played in the background; glittering dim lighting from crystal chandeliers and beautiful people mingling at the high-top tables completed the ambience. I was glad I’d taken the time to make myself presentable.

Fiona’s shrill wave of accented laughter caught my attention. She, Ben, and a few others I didn’t recognize were at the far end of the bar. Ben looked scrumptious in tailored dark gray trousers and a button-down shirt rolled to his elbows, showing off those thick, sexy forearms coursing with veins. His shirt was open at the collar and memories of inhaling the skin at his neck danced through my mind. Fiona spotted me across the bar and her mouth pulled into a tight line. Ben’s smile fell at Fiona’s sudden change in mood and his gaze lifted to meet mine.

“Hi,” I mumbled weakly, suddenly regretting my decision to come.

Ben pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me, and all fears I had fell away. He wanted me here. Fiona could shove it.

“You came,” he whispered against my hair, breathing me in.

“Happy birthday.” I smiled up at him as he released me.

Ben grinned. One little tug of his mouth and my heart was beating like a drum. I could tell he’d already had a few drinks. His normally penetrating stare was relaxed and happy. And he was holding a glass of amber-colored liquor. The strong stuff.

“Hi, Fiona.” I gave her a cordial smile. I knew she wasn’t my biggest fan, but we could at least try to be civil about things.

“Emerson.” She tipped her head and turned her focus back to Ben.

I sensed the mood shift in the little group when I arrived, like they’d been in the middle of a story. But a strange hushed silence fell over the group as their eyes moved back and forth between me and Ben. I hated being the center of attention. I hated feeling scrutinized.

Stepping away, I murmured, “I’m going to grab a drink.”

I recognized one of the photographers from an earlier shoot and Madeline. I said hello, but she didn’t seem to recognize me even though I’d just met her a few days before. The few others were new faces.

Approaching the bar, I ordered a beer. You could take the girl out of the country but you’d never take the country out of the girl. The bartender filled a pint glass with amber-colored goodness and slid it toward me. Grabbing it with shaky hands, I took a long, icy sip.

When I rejoined the group, Fiona slyly smiled at me. “You know how many calories are in that, dear?”

Soft laughter erupted nervously across the group. They could sense the catfight brewing. Stupid industry people sipping their stupid skinny cocktails.