Danielle Steel - Wings

“What does that mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. Nothing's changed. You're free. And I'm going to England.”

“Bullshit.” She raged at him. “That's it? I love you, you love me, and nothing, so long, good-bye, I'm going to war, have a nice life, and see you when I get back. Maybe.”

“You got it.” He looked suddenly hardened, but he had made up his mind a long time ago, and he was not going to change it. For her sake.

“And then what? You come home, and if we're lucky we find each other again and start over?”

“Nope,” he said sadly. “If you're lucky, we find each other again, and you introduce me to your husband and kids, if I'm gone that long, and if I'm not, then you just introduce me to your husband.”

“What are you? Crazy, or sick?” She looked outraged as she stared at him, suddenly wanting to hit him. What kind of game was this? But this was no game to him. Nick Galvin had promised himself years before that he wasn't going to let himself ruin Cassie's life just because he loved her.

“Haven't you been listening to me?” He was shouting at her in their secret place, but there was no one to hear them. They were safe here. “I have nothing to give you, Cass. That's not going to change while I'm gone, and it's not likely to improve when I get back, unless I rob a bank or hit it lucky in Las Vegas. You're a lot likelier to make some money than I am.”

“Then go work for Desmond Williams,” she said angrily. How could he be so stupid!

“My legs aren't good enough. Look, you're a commodity to him. You're a genius in the air, and look good. You're a dolly who can fly; you're gold in the bank for him, Cass. I'm just another flyboy.”

“Why is that my fault?” she said angrily. “Why are you taking it out on me? What did I do, aside from get lucky?” She was crying now, and shaking with rage and frustration. Why were men so unfair sometimes? It was exhausting being a woman.

“You didn't do anything. The trouble is neither did I for the last twenty years, except fly a bunch of old planes and hang out with your father. I had a good time, we did some good things, the best of which was teach you how to fly, or teach you not to crash may be more like it, you taught yourself to fly. But that's not enough, Cass. I'm not going to marry you with nothing in the bank and empty pockets.”

“You're a jerk!” She shouted at him through her tears. “You own three planes, and you built my father a goddamn airport.”

“I may never come back, Cass,” he said quietly. That was part of it too. He was not leaving her hanging there, waiting for him. It wasn't fair, not at her age. “That's a fact. I may be gone for five years. I may be gone forever. You gonna wait for that? With the life you have now, and the opportunities, that's what you want? To wait for a guy twice your age, who may leave you a penniless widow before you start? Forget it. This is my life, Cass. This is what I've made of it. This is what I want. I want to fly. No strings. No promises. That's it… forget it…”

“How can you say that?” she raged at him, but he looked at her very calmly.

“Easy. Because I love you so damn much. I want you to go out there and hit the jackpot. I want you to get everything you can get, fly everything you can lay your hands on, as long as you're safe, and I want you to be happy forever. I don't want to worry about your doing that, when I'm flying my tail off after some Kraut over the English Channel.”

“You're incredibly selfish,” she said angrily.

“So are most people, Cass,” he said honestly, “especially fliers. If they weren't, they wouldn't do it. They wouldn't scare the hell out of the people they love, risking their lives every day, and killing themselves right under their loved ones’ noses at air shows. Think of that. Think of what we do to the people we love.”

“I have. A lot. But you and I both know that, that's an advantage right there. We're even.”

“No we're not. “You're twenty years old, for chrissake. You have a whole life ahead of you, and a great one. But I don't want you waiting for me. If I get back, and I win the Irish sweepstakes while I'm there, I'll call you.”

“I hate you,” she stormed, unable to move him or change his mind. Nick was as stubborn as she was.

“I figured that. I especially figured that when I kissed you.” He kissed her again then, and all her fury and her rage and her sorrow exploded through her in a wave of passion that he felt with equal flame. He would have wanted to change a lot of things, but he knew he couldn't. He wanted to hold her and make love to her till they both died of pleasure. But he forced himself to let go of her before it was too late to stop. And for both of them, that moment was coming closer.

“Will you write to me?” she asked breathlessly, a little while later.

“If I can. But don't count on it. Don't worry if you don't hear from me. That's just what I don't want. I don't want you waiting for me. It's the shortest love story in the world. I love you. The End. That's it. I probably should never have told you.”

“Then why did you?” she asked unhappily.

“Because I'm a selfish sonofabitch and I couldn't stand not saying it anymore. I had to fight myself not to say it each time we came here. And it almost killed me when I left you in California. I've needed to tell you for a long time. But it doesn't change anything, Cass. It's nice to know. Maybe for both of us. But I'm still going.”

They went round and round about it for a long time, but she couldn't convince him not to go. And eventually, they flew back to the airport after kissing each other for a long time and nearly tearing each other's clothes off.

It was a long, sad weekend for her, and she spent a lot of time with him. And on Sunday afternoon when she left, it tore her apart as nothing before in her life had. Her father had sensed what was happening and he had talked to her before she left, but it hadn't really helped her. It made her feel closer to him, but it didn't change what was happening with Nick. She was in love with him, and he with her, and he was telling her to forget it. She didn't tell her father that in so many words, but he understood it.

“It's the way he is, Cass. He has to be free to do what he believes in.”

“It's not our fight”

“But he wants it to be his, and he's good at it. He's a good man, Cassie.”

“I know that.” And then she looked unhappily up at her father. “He thinks he's too old for me.”

“He is. I used to worry about him falling for you,” Pat admitted, “but I think he'd do you a lot of good too. But you can't convince a man of that. He has to find it out for himself.”

“He thinks you'd be angry at him.”

“He knows that's not the truth… nor the problem… the problem is in his mind, what he believes, what he wants for you. You won't find the answers now, Cass. If you're lucky, he'll come back, and you can both work it out later.”

“And if he doesn't?” she asked sadly.

“Then you've been loved by a fine man, and you've been lucky to know him.” She clung to her father then, finding the lessons to be learned to be almost beyond bearing.

She said good-bye to her family at the house, and Nick drove her out to the airfield. He helped her untie her plane, and do all her ground checks, admiring the extraordinary machine she had brought with her, but as she revved her engines, he pulled her close to him and just held her.

“Take care of yourself…” she said, in anguish. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Now be a good girl, and do some good flying. I can see now why they keep a chaperone with you,” he teased, to help lighten the moment. They had come very close to losing their heads more than once over the weekend.

“Write to me… let me know where you are…” she said, as tears ran down her cheeks like rivers.

He pointed to the sky with a sad smile. His eyes told her everything she needed to know, and he could no longer say to her. He was leaving her, and if he came back, who knew what the future held. There were no promises, no sure things. There was only now. And right now, at this very moment, he loved her as he had never loved anyone and never would again.

“Take it easy, Cass,” he said softly, as he stepped away from her. “Keep it high.” He was smiling, but there were tears in his eyes too. “I love you,” he mouthed, and then left the plane. She looked at him for a long painful moment, and her eyes were so full of tears she could hardly see as she taxied down the runway. It was the only time in her entire life when there was no thrill as she left the ground, and she slowly dipped her wings to him, and then headed west, as he watched her.

The first weeks after Nick was gone were difficult for Cass. Her mind was constantly on him, but she had to force herself to concentrate on other things when she was flying. She seemed to fly all the time, from morning till night, and in the month of September she set two more records in the Phaeton. By October, Poland had fallen completely into German hands. And Cassie knew that Nick was at Hornchurch Aerodrome, and assigned to a unit of fighter pilots as an instructor. He was training young pilots to do what he had done in the last war, and for the moment he wasn't flying missions himself. Her father claimed that his age might keep him out of it, but with his extraordinary reputation, he thought it unlikely. But at least for the moment, he was safe. He hadn't written to her, but he had gotten word to her father through another pilot, which was something.

Her life in Los Angeles was as hectic as usual, and the photographers and social events seemed to be thicker than ever. But Desmond kept insisting on the importance of it, and he took her to lunch from time to time, to discuss his planes and her observations of them, which always astounded him, but also to encourage her about the importance of public relations. Their conversations were almost always about his planes, and he was always very businesslike with her. There was a mutual respect there too, and at times he seemed a little more friendly. But the only thing that ever really interested him was his business. And for someone who had such a strong interest in publicity, she was surprised that she so seldom saw anything personal about him in the papers.