Amanda Grange - Wickham’s Diary

Peter and I laughed about it, but my laughter was tinged with envy, for Fitzwilliam can have his pick of heiresses without making any effort, whilst I have had little luck in securing one for myself. I have made enough friends at Cambridge to be sure of my share of invitations to the best balls, for a single man is always welcome at these things, especially if he dances, but I have not been able to catch an heiress. The girls are willing enough, but as soon as their mamas enquire into my fortune, they keep their daughters well away from me, whereas not one mama in London would keep her daughter away from Fitzwilliam Darcy.

It is a year for deaths. Papa has followed old Mr Darcy to the grave.

And so now I am clearing out all my possessions, for the house is to be the new steward's house and I am to live here no more. I hinted to Darcy that I would like the position of steward, but he told me that the appointment had already been made and I knew better than to press him. His manner has been distant since the incident with the hackney cab and I am afraid that I have lost his good opinion. However, by means of a friendly and respectful demeanour every time I see him. I hope that, gradually. I might be able to wear down his resistance and make him if not my friend, at least useful to me.

Peter's family have finally grown tired of his dissipated way of living and they have sent him out to the Indies, where one of his uncles is trying to make something of him. Not only have I lost his company, but my creditors are becoming a nuisance. Peter's friendship kept them complacent, but now that I do not have his backing they are sending in their accounts. I cannot believe I have spent so much money, for the bills come to almost two thousand pounds. Matthew and I were bemoaning the sad state of affairs, for he has run up debts that are almost as large as mine, when he said, 'I wonder you don't ask Darcy. Weren't the two of you friends?'

'We were but I will not ask him for money again. I did it once before and he gave me such a look that I have not asked again.'

'I don't see why he should refuse you. He has plenty of the stuff. A thousand pounds, to a man like Darcy, is nothing.'

It awakened all my resentful feelings.

'Darcy has always been that way. Even as a boy he treated me like a servant, not like an equal. He thought I would grow up to manage his estate. Can you imagine it? Me, to spend my life worrying about which trees to cut down and which trees to plant and which fields to put out to pasture? To think about incomings and outgoings?'

Matthew roared with laughter.

'If it was anything like the incomings and outgoings of your own pocket, the estate would be ruined in half a year! But won't he give you something? Surely, George, you must have some pressure you can bring to bear?'

'His father did promise me a living,' I said thoughtfully.

Matthew laughed even louder than before.

'What! He wanted you to be a clergyman? A fine job you would make of that!'

'I know,' I said, laughing too. 'It would never do. But it is a pity. The living would have meant a lot to me, or rather to my pockets.'

'Then ask him to give you the money instead.'

I looked at him in surprise.

'I didn't know you had a brain, Matthew.'

'Needs must, old fellow,' he said, taking a drink and savouring it. 'Needs must.'

'He would not give me anything just for the asking, that much I know, but perhaps there is a way.'

I thought about it and then I went over to my desk and. dipping my quill in the ink and pulling a piece of paper towards me. I began to write.

After some preamble, hoping that both he and Georgiana were well and that the estate was prospering, I continued:

I have been giving some thought to my future and I have decided not to go into the church, and so I have decided to relinquish all claims to the living your father so generously promised me. I hope you will now be able to bestow it elsewhere. I hope you will not think it unreasonable of me to ask for some kind of pecuniary advantage, instead of the living. I mean to go into the law, and as you are aware, the interest on one thousand pounds—the sum your father generously left me—does not go very far.

I went on to speak of generalities and then ended the letter, sanding it and folding it and sending it out at once to the mail.

'And now. let us go out and celebrate.' said Matthew. 'I have had some luck on the horses, and I mean to spend the evening in style.'

That is the good thing about Matthew. He might not be in the funds very often, but when he is, he is willing to share what he has.

We went first to an inn and then to a brothel, where we enjoyed ourselves immensely, and did not stumble home again 'til first light.

At last, a letter from Darcy. It was stiff and formal in tone, with no hint of the friendship we once shared. However, he has offered me the sum of three thousand pounds to relinquish all claims to the living, both now and in the future, and I have accepted his terms. With three thousand pounds I can pay all my creditors and have some fun into the bargain.

Matthew called round and I told him it was my turn to treat him. We went to Vauxhall Gardens on the strength of my future riches, where we drank rack punch and followed the garishly dressed women into the dimly lit walks. There was plenty of fun to be had with them and we took full advantage of it.

At last we tired of them and returned to the more brightly lit areas. As we returned to our booth, a woman close by caught my eye. She was evidently a courtesan, well dressed and extremely beautiful, with thick dark hair and almond-shaped eyes. She felt me looking at her and turned towards me. She smiled, and I smiled back. She made some excuse to the man she was with and slipped out of her booth. I turned into one of the secluded corners of the Gardens and she followed me.

'Well?' I said.

'Well?' she said.

And then I kissed her and she kissed me back fervently, and we were soon lost to the world. At last, our hunger satisfied, we began to dress ourselves. She began to talk. She was witty and lively, mimicking her protector and saying she was tired of him. He was old and fat and she had a mind for someone younger. I told her. regretfully, that she was above my touch, even with my newfound funds, and she said that she was rich enough to settle for no more than a set of rooms for a while if I had a mind to take them for her.

We settled the thing then and there. She went back to the booth, where she told her lover their affair was at an end, and then went home with me, where we proceeded to enjoy ourselves some more, and then to learn something about each other.

'Belle,' I said musingly, when we lay back on the bed together. 'A beautiful name for a beautiful woman.'

'It is,' she said, then she began to laugh.

'What's the matter?' I asked.

'My real name's Gerty!' she said. 'Gerty Bertwhistle!'

We rolled on the bed, laughing, and could not stop. At last I wiped the tears from my eyes and said, 'Welcome, Gerty, to my humble abode. May you always make me laugh as much as you have tonight.'

'And may you always be as young and handsome as you are tonight.' she said.

'I'll drink to that'

She joined me in the toast and we did not fall asleep until the bottle was empty.

Alas. Gerty and I have had to part. It has been coming for some time, for my pockets have become increasingly empty, and she has stayed with me for much longer than I could have expected, but now at last we have had to go our separate ways.

'You will soon find another protector,' I said.

'Yes, I think I will,' she said, studying herself critically in the mirror. 'But this will be the last one. My looks are going, and it's no life for a woman when she gets old.'

'What will you do afterwards?' I asked her.

'Who knows? Find a merchant to marry, maybe, or set up in business, perhaps. I might open a hat shop or a dress shop. You look after yourself, Georgie.'

'And you.'

She blew me a kiss and left without more ado.

I regretted her going. I have grown used to her. But there are plenty more women in the world, and all I have to do is to walk out of the door to find them.

More difficult is the question of how I am going to live. The money I had from Darcy is gone, and my credit is so long that, sooner or later, my creditors are going to start pressing me. I will have to live by my wits, for I have nothing else left to me, save my charm and my handsome face. And so between the three of them, they must earn me my keep and something more besides. They must earn me my future.

Once again I awoke to find a line of creditors at my door. I packed my bags hastily and slipped down the back stairs, only to find them waiting for me there as well.

And so I find myself in debtor's prison. I am only surprised I managed to avoid it for so long. My pockets are to let. my bills unpaid, and I have nowhere to turn.