Her eyes were wide in wonder as the lacy material slid from my fingers to the floor.

“Gorgeous. So goddamn gorgeous,” I whispered as my finger reached down to tunnel inside of her. She whimpered so loudly the neighbors might have heard, but it was arousing as hell, considering we’d had to be quiet every other time.

And now she was grasping my dick and rubbing it against her thigh, trying to scoot her body closer. “Fuck, baby.”

I removed my finger from inside of her, and she brought it to her lips.

Watching her lick my finger clean was one of the sexiest damn things I’d ever seen.

She pumped her hand up and down my erection and then rubbed the tip over her soft center. And holy fuck, my dick coming in contact with her wet entrance almost made me explode on contact.

She jerked her hips forward, intent on joining our bodies, and I grabbed hold of her shoulders. “Wait, Rachel . . .”

“I’m not holding back this time,” she said, her eyes glazed over with longing. “I need to feel you inside of me. Right now.”

“Oh, you’ll feel me.” I clutched her cheeks in an effort to keep her focused. “I’m going to bury myself inside that gorgeous pussy until you scream my name and come all over my dick.”

Her eyes widened and her lips parted. She loved when I talked dirty and I planned on delivering. “But we need to find a condom.”

I hadn’t bought any condoms in a couple of months but there was certain to be a spare around here somewhere. She wasn’t thinking straight, so I needed to be the rational one.

“No condom,” she said adamantly. “I want you inside me with nothing between us.”

Goddamn. My dick was now standing at attention. “Rachel, what the fuck are you saying?”

“I want to feel this”—she ran her fingernail over my piercing—“inside me.”

My face fell. Is that what this was all about? She’d never been with a pierced guy before. She only wanted the thrill of it.

“Don’t you dare even say it,” she hissed. “This is about you. About every single part of you. And every single part of you and me together.”

Her eyes met mine with fierce determination. And I saw everything in them. Honesty and sadness. Desire and affection.

“I’m on the pill and I . . . I want to do this with you,” she whispered against my lips. “Right now, Kai.”

“Fuck, Rachel, you’re going to make me come before I even get inside of you.”

She wiggled her hips over my crotch, the tip of my dick resting at her entrance. And it felt . . . holy fuck, it felt incredible. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to hold back.

“I want you so fucking bad,” I growled.

I lifted her ass and yanked her forward, so that she was fully straddling me. Our eyes met as she was suspended there. I wanted to be sure this was absolutely what she wanted—that we were making this decision together.

“Yes,” she whispered, and then I slowly lowered her onto me. We both groaned as I entered her. My brain had liquified. The sensation was unimaginable.

Incomprehensible. Un-fucking-believable.

In another second, I had filled her completely and was so damn deep inside her body. I wanted to remain nestled there. Joined as one.

I’d only ever gone bareback once, and it’d been a stupid drunk-ass mistake. But this . . . fuck . . . this was like towering above the clouds, stomach swooping, senses on high alert, as the entire universe was laid out before you.

Grabbing hold of my shoulders for leverage, her nails dug into my skin. Her lips were parted, her eyes fiery with hunger. Engrossed in her task, she lifted up again and moaned before sinking back down, taking me inch by fucking inch.

I grabbed hold of her hips, desperate to slam her down over me, but allowing her to set the pace. My eyes threatened to cross as she continued to move. The feel of her wet and dripping center clenching my dick as she found her rhythm was a sensation I wouldn’t soon forget.

My legs were trembling and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out. Her eyes were glassy and she began quivering with each thrust. “God, Kai, when you hit . . . that . . . one spot.”

And then she fell apart in my arms, shuddering all around me. A rosy flush had crept over her chest and cheeks, and her lips were shivering—I remained motionless, watching her, my thumbs brushing tender circles over her thighs. I wanted to keep thrusting but I also needed to witness this—Rachel coming undone. It was breathtaking.

“Don’t stop, Kai,” she finally said, catching her breath. “Keep moving.”

“Hold up a minute,” I said. I flipped her onto the bed and yanked down her skirt so that she was on my sheets completely naked. Her knees were bent, her feet flat on the mattress. Her skin glistened and her buds were still hard. I took a mental picture of her, so that when I was halfway around the world, I’d have a snapshot of this moment.

I stood and pushed down my pants, finally feeling unrestricted.

Her eyes roved over my bare skin, top to bottom, and then she sighed. “You’re beautiful.”

I worked my way up her body, licking her calves and her slick thighs, before landing between her legs. I needed to taste her again, in case I was never given another chance.

She squirmed and moaned as I sucked on her swollen nub.

After a few seconds more, she yanked at my hair. “No, Kai. Inside me. Now.”

“So bossy,” I said, crawling up her body. “I like it.”

I positioned my tip near her entrance and my thighs quivered with blinding need. I was so ready to just bury all of myself inside her warm body—to pump her full of my fears and doubts and regrets about leaving.

She wrapped her legs around my waist, and I pinned her arms above her head, consuming her eager lips. I thrust inside her, hard and deep and wet.

And holy fucking Christ, she felt tight and warm and goddamn perfect at this angle.

The sensation was almost too much to handle, and I stilled my body, hissing through my teeth.

“Move, Kai,” she said, snapping me out of my reverie. “Harder. Faster.”

She didn’t have to ask twice as I pumped into her hot and solid over and over, attempting to release all of it—my pain and passion and sorrow. Her thighs trembled and she arched up against me, her nails biting into my back as she was swept away again, mumbling my name against my neck.

It only took a few more firm thrusts before I let loose inside her. I attempted to pull out, but she gripped my ass and drove me into her, as I groaned deep and long.

“Fuck. Goddamn.” I sank down on top of her, attempting to calm my racing heart. I was a shuddering, panting mess. “So incredible.”

I kissed her neck and rolled off of her, still wanting to keep her close.

I reached for the towel from my earlier shower and cleaned her up, placing a soft kiss on each breast.

I feathered my fingers through her hair, over her jaw, and across her lips. The only sound was our heavy breathing as we lay quietly studying each other.

The finality of this moment—and the sorrow that came with it—slowly crept back in like a dense fog descending upon us.

And I saw the realization mirrored in the dark flecks of her eyes. I didn’t want to let her go, and I adjusted my arms across her stomach to grip her tighter.

We lay there for several long minutes, each lost in our own head.

Eventually, she pushed out of my grasp, and my heart lurched. I watched, trying to memorize her beautiful body, as she stood and began dressing. Her skirt, then her bra, before she tugged her top over her head.

Her face was a map of emotions as she looked down at her ripped underwear lying on the floor, considering whether to pick it up. In the end, she left it there.

She finally met my gaze, a silent, heartrending good-bye reflected in her eyes.

Knee propped on the bed, she leaned over, her mouth hovering close to mine. As her lips brushed my cheek, I closed my eyes, reveling in her touch. Her mouth feathered over my shoulder, my chest, and then down to my stomach and my muscles contracted from the intimate contact.

Her lips closed around the skin above my waist and she sucked, hard. I groaned and my fingers flew to her hair. “Rachel, what are you . . . ?”

She pulled back to admire her handiwork, then stood up and moved toward the door.

“Wait,” I said, emotions clogging my throat.

I wanted her to stay. And I needed her to go.

My heart threatened to burst from my chest. And then felt as if it might stop beating altogether.

She shook her head without turning around.

Her fingers roughly gripped the door handle, her knuckles turning white.

And then she was gone.

Chapter Thirty-six Rachel

I decided to return to school a week early because the condo felt too empty without Kai.

The night we had that amazing, mind-blowing sex, I couldn’t stay in the same space any longer. So I drove to my mother’s house, where I broke down and told her everything. She held me and kissed my head and told me that if he felt the same way, I’d know soon enough.

But I knew she was wrong, and besides, I didn’t want to hold out hope. Furthermore, his texts were vague, almost drab. I understood what he was attempting to do—to make sure we kept in touch—but they were almost too painful to read.

Arrived in Amsterdam. It’s rainy today.

Thanks for the weather forecast, Kai.

Whereas I didn’t know very much when he’d lived in Amsterdam the first time, now I knew almost too much. I kept picturing him tooling around town, grabbing coffee, meeting hot Dutch women.