Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

As the days turned to weeks, Brian’s recovery progressed quickly and I had no choice but to finally face my fears. I’d set up an appointment and visited the lawyer earlier that day. I was still trying to process the shocking truth of it all as I sat quietly at my parents’ gravestones.

I’d known that between their insurance policies, pension plans, and the sale of our house I’d been left a significant chunk of money, I just hadn’t expected it to affect me so much. It felt so final walking out of the lawyer’s office with a large check in my hands. It was a life-changing amount of money and just as I was starting to get things figured out in my own head, I knew it was going to change everything. It would change where I lived, how Knox viewed me…even what I did for a living if I chose… and unease churned inside me. I wasn’t good at change.

Knox and I continued talking every few days – surface level stuff – he’d fill me in on the boys and I’d give him Brian’s progress report. We never talked about us. I never told him how I missed him with every ounce of my being, and he felt more distant than ever. As hard as it was to imagine, I wondered if he’d slipped back into his old ways.

I was planning to return to Chicago while Brian stayed behind for physical therapy for his leg. No longer living on a few dollars a day meant I could rent a car and drive myself home.

I huddled into my coat as the chilly air swirled loose strands of hair around my face. The bitter temperature and icy barren ground matched the somber tone of this reunion with my parents. I tucked my mitten-covered hands into my pockets as I filled them in on Brian. I talked out loud, the sound of my voice my only company. As I told them about the events of the past few weeks, I realized that my parents had liked Brian and viewed him as a good match for me because he’d always treated me well and protected me. Knox protected and took care of those he loved, too. And he made me happy. At the end of the day, my parents would have wanted me to be happy. It wasn’t lost on me that my lack of attraction to Brian was because there was nothing to fix. He was a perfectly nice, well-adjusted man from a normal, nice family. But it didn’t matter the reasons – the attraction wasn’t there and it never would be. I had to believe my parents would have accepted that.

Knox had been right about one thing – one day I would forgive myself and move on. Today had proven I was capable of that, in small doses. But he’d been wrong about himself not fitting into my life. Being near Brian produced no spark, no electricity, and I missed the warmth that Knox created in me. I knew that by the end of this week, I’d be more than ready to get back. I was even considering changing up my punishing routine – volunteering fewer hours a week, taking more time to take care of myself and enjoy the little things in life.  If I’d learned only one thing on this trip, it was that life was short and could be ripped from you at any moment.

I was also starting to feel guilty for not acknowledging his handwritten I love you message left on the window for me. He was still healing and that was his way of trying. I needed to acknowledge his efforts and progress, not act like a spoiled child who needed everything her way.

If my parents were really out there somewhere listening to this, I wanted to think they’d understand that Brian would always be a constant reminder of what I’d lost. Brian was my past. Knox was my future.

Digging my cell phone out of my coat pocket, I dialed Knox.

Seeing McKenna’s name flash on my phone made me ridiculously fucking happy. I rounded the service counter at the hardware store where I was working and headed for the stockroom, tossing the pair of pliers I was supposed to be price checking onto a shelf. The customer would have to wait.

I ducked into the dusty stockroom and closed the door behind me. “Hey, angel.”

“Hi,” she returned, her voice whisper-soft.

“Everything okay over there? Brian?” As much as saying his name grated against my nerves, the guy had gotten pretty messed up in that accident, so I didn’t want to be a complete asshole and not ask how he was doing. Still, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me insane with jealousy that McKenna had put her entire life on hold – put us on hold – to tend to him and stick by his side. I couldn’t help but feel she’d chosen him over me.

I wished I’d had the balls that morning to take her in my arms and tell her I loved her. But instead I’d taken the pussy way out and scrawled it onto the window. There was a good chance she never even saw it. I sent her away into the arms of her very male best friend without even telling her how I felt. Basically I was a jackass.

“Brian’s doing fine. I think he’s annoyed at the slow pace of his recovery with his leg and his mom’s constant hovering, but considering how things could have turned it, he’s very lucky.”

“And how are you?”

She hesitated for several seconds before answering. “I realized some things this week.”

“And what’s that?” I wasn’t religious, but I prayed to God it wasn’t that she’d figured out Brian was the better choice for her and she was staying in Indiana.

“My parents’ accident wasn’t my fault. It was the damn reckless, irresponsible drunk driver.” Her voice wavered ever-so-slightly and she took a moment to compose herself. “I was talking to Brian’s mom Patty after the accident and it all just hit me. My actions that morning may not have made a difference in the outcome. And for years I thought maybe I should have been with them. But I see now that I wasn’t meant to go then. I’m here for a reason. I’m here to do good in the world.”

“That’s great to hear, angel. And you’re right. You had nothing to do with the accident.”

“I know that now. I can’t image how someone could be so selfish, so negligent. I will never forgive the man who did this. I have zero tolerance for drunk drivers.”

I was happy to hear her channel her anger into the right place – McKenna wasn’t responsible for her parents’ deaths. The man behind the wheel was. But cold dread slithered down my spine realizing, I’d never told McKenna about my own drunk driving arrest. Would it be a deal breaker for me and her?

“I’m going to be coming home soon,” she continued.

“Can I see you when you get home?”

“Yeah, and there’s something I have to tell you when I get back.”

“Something good or something bad?” I asked.

“Um, just something…different. About my life. I finally met with my parents’ lawyer.”

“Okay.” I had no clue where this was heading, but I’d follow her lead on this one. “See you soon, then?”

“Yeah. Goodbye, Knox.”

“Bye.”

“Do you want to talk about it or are you going to keep moping around here like someone kicked you in the balls?” Jaxon asked, glancing up from the TV.

“Are you going to watch the game or are we going to pretend this is Oprah?” I asked.

He smirked. “Fine. But the guys know something’s up. You’re not yourself. You’ve been acting like a dick ever since McKenna took off. Care to tell me what’s really going on?”

The feeling that I’d lost McKenna churned in my gut. I couldn’t sleep. Food didn’t taste right and when I tried to drink to numb the pain, I couldn’t even catch a buzz. Luke had taken Tucker to the public library, so it was just me and Jaxon at home today. “I talked to McKenna. She’s coming home soon.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“Yeah, I mean, I think so. But she said we have to talk when she gets back. I think she’s had some sort of realization about her past and finally accepted that her parents were killed by a drunk driver and not because of anything she did.”

“And?” Jax drew out the word.

Apparently I needed to spell it out for him. “And she doesn’t know I was arrested for drunk driving and that my sentence was what brought me into her class in the first place.” Not mentioning it at the time was an omission – it just never really came up, but keeping it from her now felt like a deceitful lie.

“Shit. That sucks.”

I blew out a frustrated breath. “Tell me about it.”

Jax flipped the channel on the TV. “That’s why I don’t do love. As soon as you let your walls down, shit falls apart and then you’re the one sitting there feeling like shit. It’s easier to hit it and quit it.”

“Nice, Jaxon.”

He shrugged. “It’s just the truth and you know it. You lived that way for years.”

I couldn’t argue; he knew my history too well. “Well, sometimes feeling something is a good thing. It reminds us that we’re still human.” I’d rather be having no sex with McKenna than be sleeping with a bunch of random girls, but I knew nothing I said would get through to him. He’d have to figure all this out on his own one day, too.

Jaxon rose from the couch and handed me the remote. “I know I’m not good at this shit, but you know you have to talk to her, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks, bro.”

I knew I needed to talk to her, but I wasn’t sure that would make a difference. With her new-found clarity and anger toward the drunk-driver who killed her parents – what could I possibly say?

I couldn’t wait any longer. After the four hour drive with nothing but the radio to keep me company, I couldn’t resist going straight to Knox’s place. With darkness settling in, I parked on the street and grabbed my overnight bag from the backseat before jogging to the front door. I’d been planning on coming home tomorrow, but as the morning had stretched on, I became more and more anxious to see Knox. I’d hastily packed, said my goodbyes, and hit the road. I wanted to surprise him.