Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

“Good, Tucker had fun, but we had to duck out the back way at the end because we ran into an old fling of mine,” Jaxon said.

Just great. I didn’t want Tucker around Jax’s booty-call drama.

“What’s wrong with McKenna?” Luke asked, helping himself to the half-sandwich McKenna had left uneaten on her plate.

“What do you mean?”

“She winced when she sat down on the couch like she was in pain or something and her hair is all messy and out of place. She have a bad day at work or something?”

Shit. Jaxon’s knowing gaze met mine and he shook his head. “Something like that,” I bit out, my tone harsher than I intended.

“We should do something nice for her,” Luke said, oblivious to the silent exchange happening between me and Jax.

“Yeah, good idea.” I rubbed the back of my neck, completely at a loss.

“Maybe we could make her dessert or something,” Luke said, rummaging through the cabinets. “What does she like?”

“No clue.” I wasn’t winning boyfriend of the year – that was certain. And the way Jax was looking at me made me feel like the world’s biggest asshole. I needed to fix this, to take care of my girl. “I have another idea.”

After giving my orders to Jaxon and Luke, they headed up the stairs. Next I needed Tucker to go hunting through the cabinets in search of my next ingredient. “Tuck,” I urged him from McKenna’s lap. “Come here, bud.”

He followed me up the stairs while McKenna watched curiously after us.

We met the guys in the second floor bathroom where Jaxon was gathering up mounds of dirty clothes from the floor and overflowing hamper and Luke was kneeling beside the bath tub, giving it a long overdue scrub down. Seeing that everything was underway, I sent Tucker on his task, searching the hall closet for some type of body wash that could double as bubble bath while I headed upstairs to gather a few candles I knew I had stashed in a drawer in case of power outages.

I met Jaxon in the hallway. “Everything cleaned up in there?”

“It’s getting there. Something happen tonight?” he asked, his eyes narrowed and locked on mine. For all the times I’d given him shit for his antics with girls, I knew his scowl was my payback.

“Nope.”

“Liar,” he muttered under his breath.

I wanted to tell him I would fix this and make things right, instead I released a deep sigh and went to finish the final details for McKenna’s surprise. I might not be able to afford to buy her gifts or give her fancy things, but I hoped this small gesture would show her that I cared and that I was trying.

I considered running down to the corner store and picking up a bottle of wine or something until I remembered that the last time McKenna had drank she’d practically tried to jump me. No sense in encouraging that. She’d had enough for one night.

Instead, I had Tucker make her a cup of chocolate milk, which he brought up in one of our mother’s china teacups.

Once everything was ready, I led a suspicious McKenna up the stairs by her hand. “What are you guys up to?” she asked.

I stopped at the threshold to the bathroom and turned her by the shoulders. When she saw the three boys and behind them the tub filled with bubbles, the edges lined with white candles, she sucked in a breath. Luke switched off the lights and Tucker, impossible not to love, thrust his arms out to his sides and shouted, “Surprise!”

“What’s all this?”

“It’s for you, angel,” I whispered, leaning in close to kiss her temple. “The guys helped me. We thought you could use some relaxation.”

McKenna silently gripped my hand in a wordless thank you. The expression on her face told me it had been a long time since anyone had done something nice for her. She served others all day long, and the unshed tears simmered in her blue eyes as she struggled to believe she was worth such care and attention.

“Clear out, guys.”

McKenna stopped them on their way out, planting a kiss on each of their cheeks. “Thank you.” Tucker threw his arms around her middle, squeezing her tightly.

When the door closed us in, I spun her to face me. Lazy steam vapors drifted up around us and the low flickering light of the candles gave everything a sense of calm. I pressed a kiss to her waiting mouth. “You lied to me. You’re sore, aren’t you?”

“Is that what the bath’s for?”

I didn’t answer, I just kissed her again. “There are fresh towels in the cabinet under the sink. I’ll meet you upstairs when you’re through.”

She nodded and took my face in both her hands, bringing her mouth close to mine. “Thank you.”

The warm whisper of breath on my skin was the only thanks I needed. “Enjoy, angel. Oh, and Tucker brought you chocolate milk.” I nodded towards the cup on the counter beside the sink.

“I like the pink teacup. Nice touch.” She grinned.

“It was our mom’s favorite.” I left her with a smile blossoming on her lips. “Take your time.”

After my bath I found Knox in bed, half asleep. I dropped my towel and climbed in beside him, curling my naked body around his. “Hi,” I whispered, kissing the spot behind his ear.

“Feel better?” he asked.

I nodded, rubbing my lips against his neck. “Yes. That was lovely.” I hadn’t soaked in a hot bath like that in ages. And he was right, I had been sore. The warm water had soothed most of the lingering ache reminding me of where he’d been, deep within me. And the bubbles made from Knox’s manly-scented body wash had made the experience that much better. I felt closer to him. Surrounded by him. I hadn’t wanted to get out – and didn’t until the water had started to turn cold.

I wished I could put into words what tonight had meant to me. Our lovemaking, him taking care of me like that…I’d never experienced anything like it. I was falling for this man, body, heart, and soul. Part of that scared me, but mostly I felt happy and safe. “Thank you, Knox.”

“You’re welcome, angel,” he murmured.

“I love you.” I hadn’t planned on telling him – I had barely let myself think those three dangerous words, but before I could even process what I was doing, they were out of my mouth and lingering in the air between us. My heart pounded unsteadily and the calmness I’d found vanished in an instant.

Several agonizing moments of silence passed between us. I knew he’d heard me. I knew he was still awake. I also knew I probably just triggered every defense mechanism Knox had put in place. Dread churned in my stomach, twisting it into a painful knot. I was dying to know what he was thinking. Surely he felt the pounding of my heart against his back, the faint sweat breaking out over my skin. Knox gave my hand a careful squeeze, but said nothing.

The next morning, seated behind my desk at group, the weight of what I’d done came crashing down on me the moment Knox strolled into the room looking happy and carefree.

I’d lost my virginity last night to a man who was in sexual addiction recovery. I could lose my counseling license. I could lose everything I’d worked hard for – and for what? While I was falling deeper and deeper, I had no idea what it would lead to. Did Knox even love me? He’d told me time and again he wasn’t capable of love. I was finally starting to see the ramifications of that. The risks I was taking for him could all be for nothing. My chest felt tight as I watched him take a seat across the room without so much as acknowledging me.

That week’s group was the most awkward experience of my life. Each member shared the number of days since their last sexual encounter and when Knox said one – my cheeks flamed as memories of me unabashedly grinding against him in his bed last night came flooding back. I didn’t know how to reconcile these two halves of myself – the counselor helping him heal and the girl who wanted to fall into his arms and give in to the pleasure of the moment.

It seemed like I’d lived a lifetime of new experiences since I’d first watched him saunter through that door just a few short months ago. So much had changed and yet nothing really had. I had Knox in my life now – but the threat of his past still threatened our future, I still had Brian playing the overprotective and slightly possessive big brother, and I’d yet to face my own past. Dread churned inside me. I had a strange feeling everything I held dear was about to collide.

There were times I thought we could really do this – forge a real relationship built on honesty and trust. Like when I’d been neck deep in bubbles last night, feeling pampered and cherished. Other times, like this moment sitting in sex addicts anonymous, or when Knox hadn’t returned my I love you I realized I was living in a fantasy land and that this relationship had far more complications than I gave it credit for.

As the weeks passed, I became less and less sure about what I was doing. My life was spinning out of control further by the day. It made me miss my mother and her pragmatic advice more than ever. I was falling deeper and deeper for a man with an inability to love me back and my weekly group sessions were becoming something I dreaded. They were heavy and intense and I felt like a complete hypocrite.

Everything I did felt like a burden I could just barely carry the weight of and by the end of the day, I collapsed heavily into bed alone, my chest an aching hole. I thought I could do it, be with Knox on his terms, wait for him to come around and continue leading SAA, but I was quickly beginning to realize it was too much for me. I was emotionally invested in both – loving Knox and helping with his recovery – and I didn’t even know where we stood.