Kendall Ryan - When I Surrender

“You like that, don’t you, angel?” he asked. I nodded slowly, biting my lip as I gazed up at him. “Soon,” he promised. “My self-control is almost non-existent where you’re concerned.”

“Everyone’s had you. But I can’t? How’s that fair?”

“I’m giving you everything.”

“By not giving me any?” I argued.

“Stop, McKenna. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do, though, that’s the thing. I want this with you. And not this pseudo friend-zone you’ve placed me in. I want everything. I want to be loved, cherished, and made to feel like a woman, your woman, not your little sister.”

“If you were my sister, I’d be put in jail for the things I want to do to you.”

My heart stuttered. He did want the same things as me, I could see it in his eyes. “If I’m pushing you – if this is about your addiction, or because I’m your counselor….”

“It’s not.” He stepped closer.

“Then what is it?”

“Brian told me.”

“He told you….” I paused. He needed to fill in the blank because I failed to see what Brian had to do with any of this.

McKenna was looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to explain. Shit. “When I came to see you when you were sick, Brian pulled me aside. He wanted to know what my intentions were with you.”

A tiny crease formed across her forehead. “And…what are they?”

“I told him you were sick and I was simply there to take care of you. He thinks I’m a sexual sociopath. He was looking at me like I was going to shove my dick down your throat while you’re sick, and I assured him I could keep it in my pants.”

She chewed on her lip and waited. “What did he say?” she asked.

“He told me.” She waited, breathless, her eyes locked on mine. “McKenna, are you a virgin?”

She sucked in a shuddery breath and her gaze fell from mine. I didn’t want her to feel ashamed or embarrassed, and shit, I probably shouldn’t have just sprung this on her, but we needed to discuss this. It didn’t help that we were having this conversation dressed as we were – me in my underwear and her in just a T-shirt. But she needed to see that she wasn’t ready for me.

“Does it matter?” she asked, clenching her fists at her sides.

“It does to me.”

“So this is about my inexperience. I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

She thought she was disappointing me, which made zero sense. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not disappointed. I’m fucking terrified. The thought of being the first to touch you, the first man to be inside you, to penetrate your tight pussy, makes me insane, but I’m scared I can’t be what you need.”

“What do you mean?” Sapphire blue eyes, wide with curiosity, blinked up at mine. “What do you think I need?”

“You need someone to be gentle and careful with you, someone who’s soft and slow.”

“You could try….” she murmured.

“I don’t trust myself.”

“I trust you.” Those same eyes, now blazing with determination, stared into mine. “I’m here because I trust you.”

She looked so beautiful, so soft and sweet, standing there in my faded gray T-shirt, feet bare and toes painted pink. And hearing her confess that she trusted me with something so sacred tugged at something deep inside me. Confessing some of my background has been a scare tactic. But the look in her eyes didn’t match the expression of a scared little girl. She needed to understand how fucked up I was. I couldn’t let myself tarnish her perfection. And I would. I would take every last bit of her innocence and obliterate it just to quench my own desire.

Exercising my last ounce of self-control, I closed the distance between us and pressed a kiss to her mouth. “I’m not budging on this. I don’t think you’re ready yet.” It was either walk away now or throw her down on my bed and have my way with her.

Her hands flew to her hips. “You also didn’t think you had a problem with sex, and you fought me on getting STD testing done, and I know pushing you on both was the right thing. I get that you’re scared, but Knox….”

I looked down, popping the knuckles in my fingers. “There’s something else,” I admitted. She looked at me quizzically. “I knew when you didn’t say anything last time that you were probably inexperienced, because usually it’s the first thing girls comment on….”

Shit. She still wasn’t catching on. I was going to have to spell it out for her. “I’m, um, a lot bigger than average.” I sounded like a cocky asshole, but I wasn’t bragging. I wasn’t trying to impress her. I was trying to warn her. To ensure she understood that this probably wouldn’t be fun for her.

A slow smile uncurled on McKenna’s lips. Not the reaction I’d been expecting. It made me wonder if perhaps she had noticed my size, either that or she was remembering it fondly now. But I wasn’t trying to be cute. I’d had one girl actually tell me she needed to take a muscle relaxer before she’d let me fuck her. She was a little dramatic, but I wasn’t kidding that nearly every woman I’d been with had commented on my size – I was a lot to handle, and they weren’t virgins.

I hadn’t been with a virgin since high school and I didn’t exactly remember the experience favorably. I didn’t take pleasure in causing pain. It wasn’t something I wanted to repeat, but now with McKenna standing before me looking vulnerable and needy, I wouldn’t reject her and I certainly wouldn’t push her into the arms of another man. As much as I might have been fighting it, I knew it had to be me. If not tonight, then soon. Neither of us were good at waiting, it seemed.

McKenna pouted, her lower lip jutting out.

“Come here,” I ordered.

She hesitantly stepped forward, her fingers still playing with the hem of the shirt.

“What do you have to do tomorrow?”

“I’m working at the teen shelter, but not until ten in the morning. Why?”

I smoothed my hands up and down her arms. “You’ll probably be sore. I wanted to make sure you don’t have anything too strenuous planned.”

Her pulse thundered in her neck as if she realized for the first time that we really were going to do this. My dick had gotten the memo, too, lengthening in my boxers and growing heavy against my thigh. He would have to wait his fucking turn. I would do everything in my power to make sure McKenna was as wet and ready as possible before I took the precious gift she was offering. It was the least I could do. She was giving me something that could never be replaced. There were no do-overs.

I was never nervous before sex, but my own heart was thudding like a damn drum in my chest. The significance of this moment hit me hard. But I was like a hungry lion and she’d pushed me too far and now I needed a taste.

“I need to know your limits,” I said, watching her fidget.

“My limits?” That tiny crease between her brow was back.

“I need to know if there’s something you’re uncomfortable with.”

She chewed on her lip. There was something on her mind, but she was afraid to voice it.

“Tell me,” I commanded, my voice steady.

She wet her lips, stalling for more time. “I don’t like, um, oral sex.”

“To give it or receive it?” I questioned, raising one dark brow. This was interesting, and not what I’d expected her to say.

“Receiving it,” she managed to blurt out, looking down at the floor under my watchful stare.

“Why not?”

Her little hands balled into fists at her sides like she was afraid to admit whatever it was on her mind.

“Has anyone ever done that to you before, angel?”

She shook her head.

I sucked in a hiss of a breath and cursed. Shit, that only made me want to do it more. “Why do you think you wouldn’t like it?”

“Be-because I can’t imagine I’ll taste good and…I would hate for you to think I smell or taste bad.”

She was self-conscious, but she had no reason to be. I was certain she’d taste delicious, salty and sweet just like a woman should.  I would enjoy showing her just how very wrong she was. I inhaled against the side of her neck. “I love your scent,” I promised. “And I’m certain you’ll taste delicious. Real males like that taste, McKenna.” She sucked in a breath. “Let me worship your pussy,” I breathed against her throat, causing her to break out in chill bumps. She shook her head. “That’s unacceptable.” She might have said this was something she didn’t want, but it was the first thing I wanted to start with, limits be damned.

She opened her mouth to protest, then closed it with a squeak.

That’s what I thought. “Anything else?”

“When you said you liked, um….” She heaved in a breath and held it, too uncomfortable to continue. I could only assume she was talking about my rant on enjoying anal sex.

“I won’t be doing that with you. At least not yet.” I wasn’t sure McKenna was the kind of girl to ever be ready for that kind of total domination, letting me take her most private of places, but I wouldn’t decide for her, not now. She constantly surprised me and perhaps between the sheets wouldn’t be any different.

She nodded, relief washing over her features.

Leaning down to brush my mouth against her neck, I whispered, “If this is what you need, I‘ll take care of you. I wanted to show you I could wait, that this was more to me than sex.”

She pulled back slightly to meet my eyes. “I already know this is more for you. You don’t do relationships, or bring girls home to meet your brothers, and I’m guessing you don’t often volunteer or go out of your way for a girl. You’ve already shown me with your actions what I mean to you. It’s time for both of us to be brave.”