Carmen Jenner - Welcome to Sugartown

One Month On

The phone rings for a fourth time and I contemplate not answering, but I know I have to. I’ve already spoken to Holly three times this morning, one more and I’m going to be late, but I can’t not answer, especially not today. In just a few short hours, she’ll be taken into a room to have her baby aborted. I can’t even imagine what she might be going through, the fear and uncertainty she must feel. If I could switch places with her I would, in a heartbeat. I hate to think of my best friend going through this all by herself, and that’s why I’ll be gluing myself to her side for the entire day. I will not let her go through this alone.

I pull the receiver from the cradle and press my ear to my shoulder to hold it in place while I pour some Nutri-Grain into a bowl. “Hello?”

There’s static over the line and then I hear a click and a smooth husky voice fills my ear. “Ana?”

I sit down hard in the kitchen chair, knocking over my bowl full of cereal. There’s milk running all over the tabletop and down onto the floor but I can’t move to clean it up; my heart’s hammering so hard in my chest I feel like it might explode. I’m not ready for this. I don’t know what to say.

“Ana? You there?”

“I’m here,” I whisper, though I’m at a loss for what comes next.

A beat passes and I’m beginning to think he might have hung up. I’m wondering if maybe I should, and then he whispers, “I miss you so fucking much, baby girl.” And all I can do is hold onto the phone and cry.

“I only get six minutes, darlin’.” There’s so much pain and vulnerability in his voice I want to reach through the phone and take him in my arms, but I can’t. The reality that I might never do that again hits me and I cry harder. “Tell me you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m running late to pick someone up, though,” I say and then regret it instantly. The sound of his voice stirs up so much pain and bitterness, my heart still clamps in on itself when I think of how much I still love him and how much I wish it were enough, but I can’t deny it’s still a good sound to hear. “Are … are they treating you well?”

He chuckles, “It’s a prison, Ana, not a day spa. But yeah, I keep my nose clean and I get by.”

“Have you seen him?” I whisper. I know I don’t need to elaborate. We both know there’s only one person I’d be talking about when it came to inmates.

“Yeah, I saw him. My fist almost saw the inside of his brain, but I walked away. I’m up for parole soon.”

“Wow, that’s great,” I mutter, but I’m only half-listening. I have too many thoughts spinning around in my head, and my heart feels like it’s collapsing in on itself.

“Listen, I’ve been thinking about you, about us. I made so many goddamn mistakes, baby girl, if I could take them all back I would,” he sighs. “Ah, shit. I’m going crazy without you, Ana. I need you to come see me. I have to see that you’re okay. I have to be able to touch you again, just for a minute.”

“I don’t … I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

“Ana—”

“I have to go. I’m running late.” I can hardly breathe with the weight of the things he’s saying. The guilt consumes me every night, as I lie safe in my bed while he’s locked away in a cage. He’s there because of me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for what he did and the pain he caused and that terrifies me. I take a deep sobbing breath. “I’m so sorry, Elijah.”

I hang up the phone and cry until there’s nothing left. Then I drive my scooter to Holly’s and pretend as if nothing happened. I know she can see my puffy, tearstained face for what it is, but I won’t dump this on her today. She opens her mouth to ask but I just shake my head and walk over to her Peugeot.

“You wanna drive? Concentrating on the road that hard makes me want to blow chunks.”

“Sure,” I say, and bend over backwards to catch the keys she just lobbed in the air before they fall in a puddle.

“How you feeling?” I ask as I climb in the driver’s seat.

She lets out a short humourless laugh and glances at me across the centre console. “Like a horny teenager who went and got herself knocked up. You?”

“Like a rape victim who might die without ever once having had good sex.”

“Wow. How did our lives get so sucktacular?”

“Just lucky I guess,” I mutter, and take her hand in mine and squeeze hard. “This isn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Coop is just as much to blame in this situation. He should be here with you too.”

“Yeah, well, you know what they say about rock stars? A kid in every corner of the world, right?”

“Rock stars maybe, but Coop? Come on, Hols, he was crazy about you.”

“Apparently not crazy enough. Now come on, this baby isn’t going to abort itself.”

I’d give anything not to have to be here right now. The smells, the sad looking roses in the reception and the desperate looks on the women’s faces as they contemplate what they’re doing here and wonder if they’re making the right decision.

Poor Holly is a shaking mess. Every two minutes she fusses with her hair and holds it in place so I won’t see her cry. I know why she’s so upset, and I also know she hasn’t entered into this decision lightly. A baby at our age, in her current situation, just doesn’t make sense. She’s not financially stable, she could work for my dad until the baby comes screaming and tearing out of her right there on the shop floor, but it still wouldn’t be enough. I’d help her as much as I could, but when it really comes down to it, she’d be alone.

I squeeze her hand to let her know I’m here and a nurse comes into the waiting room with a clipboard and calls her name. Holly stands. Her legs are shaking. She begins to follow the nurse but then stops and looks back at me. “Can my friend come back with me?” she asks the nurse

“She’s welcome to stay throughout the consultation, however she won’t be able to be present for the procedure.” I stand and follow close behind, holding her hand all the way.

We’re led into a small room where the nurse closes the door behind us and checks all Holly’s vitals before telling her to put on a paper gown and lay down on the bed. The smell of the antiseptic burns my nose. I let out a deep breath.

Holly goes behind the curtain and removes her skirt and t-shirt, but when she gets to her shoes she curses and has to sit down on the chair in the corner of the change room. She begins to cry and I tentatively take a step forward, not sure if I should say something or hold her or what. Then I think about what I would want if it were me in her situation and I ease past the curtain and drop to my knees before her to undo the laces on her Wonder Woman Converse.

She’s sobbing so hard I’m afraid she’s going to choke. Once her shoes are off I pull her into my arms, and we stand like that, talking. “You don’t have to do this you know?”

“Yes, I do.”

“I know I’m not Coop, but I’ll help you any way I can. We’ll move in together and raise this baby ourselves. To hell with men.”

“I can’t. Imagine what my parents would say, imagine the disappointment.”

“Hols, you’re a grown woman. You haven’t been a teenager for years. Neither of us have. You have to make the decision you can live with. You can’t make it for your mum and dad, and you can’t make it for Coop. This is your decision alone. If you want to keep this baby then don’t you dare let any one stop you.”

“No, I have to go through with this.”

“Okay.” The woman comes back in. She doesn’t make a face when she finds us wrapped up in one another’s arms. Not that I’d really care if she did.

“Do you need a little more time? We still have a few minutes if you’d like to talk a little more?” She’s really very sweet, and I’m so thankful for that. I can’t imagine the heartbreak she must see on a daily basis.

“No. I’m good,” Holly says, though I know she’s not.

“Alright then, let’s get started.” The nurse talks us through the procedure and most of it goes straight over the top of my head, but soon she’s helping Holly up onto the bed and politely asking me to leave. I give my best friend a gentle squeeze before walking out the door.

I wait until I’m in the waiting room to completely fall apart. One of the women gives me an odd look, but the rest of the people ignore me.

I saw in Holly’s eyes just how much her heart was breaking and mine breaks for her. I wish my mum were here. Holly’s parents have never been overly affectionate with her. They pushed her to get good grades and, as far as providing for their child went, they ticked all the right boxes, but emotionally they’re somewhat stoic people who forget that kids need the emotional support a parent provides too.

My dad is surprisingly astute at knowing when his kids need a cuddle and yes, he certainly can be a boar of a man but underneath the fleshy, frightening exterior, he’s a big old teddy bear. Still, only a female would know how to really deal with this situation, and right now I wish to god Holly wasn’t lumped with some inexperienced nineteen-year-old who has no idea what she’s going through.

I feel, rather than see, someone sit down next to me. I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t even think about the fact that they’re sitting too close for normal personal space boundaries. I don’t give them much thought at all until I hear Holly say, “Are you about done with the waterworks, because I could really go for some Baskin-Robins right now?”

“What are you doing—”

She shrugs like she hasn’t just made the biggest decision of her life. “I couldn’t go through with it.”