Carmen Jenner - Welcome to Sugartown

“I tried. He thaid I didn’t have enough.”

“Come on, kids, I think the monster trucks are about to start.” I take the bags from Sammy, tucking them under my arm before they end up all over the ground. I slip the other around Ana’s waist and slide it into her back pocket, where it belongs.

On the drive home, Sammy stretches out across the front seat of Bob’s Chevy, his head on Ana’s lap, legs tucked into a ball and feet dangling off the edge.

Ana is quiet; but I know she’s not still pissed at me. I made sure of that by kissing her stupid outside the giant jumping castle while Sammy bounced around, head-butting other kids. I glance over. It’s hard to see clearly because of the lack of street lights, but she looks like she’s waging some sort of internal battle.

“You okay, baby girl?” Her terrified eyes meet mine and I almost veer off the road. “Ana, what’s wrong?”

“I love you.”

Then I do veer off the road, just onto the gravel shoulder, but it’s enough to jolt Sammy awake, enough that Ana cries out and clutches him to her for dear life. I have a brief disagreement with the steering wheel and then guide the car back onto the road. Sammy’s back asleep before we even leave the bloody shoulder and I stare straight ahead at the road before me while my heart thrashes around in my chest.

I haven’t a clue how to deal with this situation. Seriously. I’m trembling, the blood is whooshing in my ears and I’ve got a white-knuckled grip on the wheel. The last person to say those words to me …

Lilly.

My chest cleaves open as the unwelcome memory rapes my mind. “Be good for mum, okay Lil?”

“I will.” she beams. Her dark curls brush against my face and her little arms squeeze like a vice around my neck. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this bloody excited.

“I love you Lijhie.”

Those were the last words she ever said.

Fuck! I should have walked away from Ana before now. I should have told her the truth: that getting into bed with me means having more than just her heart compromised. It could mean her safety, too.

“Are you going to say something?” she whisper-yells, careful not to wake Sammy, and god help me she’s pissed again. Probably more so than I’ve ever seen her.

I panic and blurt out the first thing—no, the only thing—that’s going through my head. “The last person to say that to me was Lilly.”

Her brows shoot skyward and I see tears prick her eyes. “Oh.”

I know what she’s thinking, and I hurry to chase away the hurt I see written all over her face. “Lilly was my kid sister.”

“Oh.” She nods and looks out the window, like the view is particularly interesting. It might’ve been, if it wasn’t pitch black outside. “Was?”

“Yeah, was.”

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to.”

“It’s okay. I can see how much you want to know.”

“Elijah—”

“You gonna shut up long enough for me to get a word in?”

She nods gravely and chews her bottom lip. I can see already how much this is affecting her, and I know why it has her on the verge of tears. She’s so soft-hearted that way, a part of me resents having to tell her this wrenching truth for fear it’ll hurt her.

“She was all excited about going away with my mum for a girl’s weekend. They were getting out of the city and taking off to some horse ranch where Lil was going to learn to ride. She was obsessed with them, horses. Had them plastered all over her room, though she’d never even come face to face with one.” I shake my head as I remember all that crazy plastic My Little Pony shit I used to trip over in the hallway.

Ana’s voice is a whisper, like she’s afraid I’ll stop talking if she speaks too loudly. “What happened?”

“They never even made it past the front gate.”

“Why not?” Her eyes are wide with horror and glistening. The tears spill down her cheeks and I look away so I don’t run us off the road again.

“Lil wrapped her arms around me, she was so damn excited she forgot for a minute to be embarrassed by her big brother. She said ‘I love you Lijhie.’ I strapped her in the car, kissed Mum goodbye, and turned and walked back to the house. The next thing I know there’s a big motherfucking explosion, and parts of our four-wheel drive are raining down all over me. There was nothing of them left to bury.”

She’s sobbing now, so hard that I’m not sure how it doesn’t wake Sammy on her lap; maybe he’s slipped into a sugar coma after all that fairy floss.

“Jesus, baby girl. Don’t cry.” I swipe at my eyes with the back of my hands.

“How can you stand it?” she sobs quietly. I can see the effort it’s taking her to quit crying, to try to be strong for me. “How are you even a functioning human being after something like that?”

I shrug, but the truth is, I’ve had a long time to think about this and here’s the only answer I can come up with: “The world doesn’t stop because a couple of people die. Families die every day.”

I glance over at Sammy. His head rests in Ana’s lap. Her fingers absently stroke the side of his face as she cries. I’d give anything to trade places with him right now. “At first, you’re not sure how you’ll survive something that crushing, and then one day you get up and you go about living again. Or, in most cases, you just get through, one day to the next.”

“I’m so sorry this happened to you.” Her tears have eased up a little, but she’s still at risk of drowning her kid brother. I tell her as much and she shakes her head and presses her palms to her eyes.

“Where was your dad in all this?”

I feel white-hot rage burn through me at the mention of that worthless piece of shit. “Dead.”

Ana stops rubbing her eyes and gapes at me. “Oh, Elijah.” She reaches over and brushes my face with her tiny hand. I take hold of it with my own and place a kiss to her soft flesh. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers, and the tears start falling again.

More than anything, I want to pull the car over and hold her. I want to kiss and touch her until all the pain of that stupid, shitty life melts away, but I don’t. I stare ahead at that white line, the only thing that’s kept me grounded and away from trouble these past few years. I stare at it until it blurs and burns into my mind the string of mistakes I’ve left behind me. I stare at it and wonder if it it’s time to start following it again until it runs out completely.

Pulling the front door shut behind me, I race across the gravel alley and into the back of the shop. Holly’s leaning over the front counter, fogging up the glass with her breath.

“You know I’m gonna make you clean that, right?” I say, and toss her a rag.

“Ana.” She whirls around, completely guilty. Her eyes practically pop out of her head when she takes in my outfit. The shock is not completely unwarranted, because I’m wearing skinny jeans, fuck-me boots and my fitted black leather jacket, zipped low with nothing but a bra beneath it. “Holy shit, woman! Where is he taking you, again?”

“Lantern Parade in Lismore. Do I look okay?”

“Are you kidding me? Cade is gonna bust a nut seeing you in this outfit.”

“That’s the idea. I think.”

A highly irritating laugh comes from the booth closest to the window. It sets my teeth on edge and, if I’m completely honest, kinda makes me want to punch someone’s face in. Then I remember the last time I had that feeling and it’s suddenly crystal clear who that pretentious sound belongs to: Nicole White. I glance in her direction and see her bitchy partner in crime sitting opposite. God, has there ever been a more pathetic sight than former high school queen bee bitches, still carrying on their hierarchy bullshit long after they’ve graduated?

Perhaps the only thing worse is seeing their pinched up, constipated faces pressed to the glass of my pie shop as they outright ogle the fresh meat out the window. I follow their gaze and realise they’re staring across the road at a shirtless, grease-stained Elijah.

My Elijah.

A tsunami tide of jealousy swells inside me. It’s irrational, but there all the same.

“How long have Slut and Sluttier been here?” I whisper to Holly.

“About twenty minutes.”

“And how long has my boyfriend been parading around without a shirt?”

“About an hour,” she replies, dreamily. I whip my head around to glare at my supposed best friend and she shrugs. “What? There’s a kinky sex god half-naked across the road. Sorry, girl, but a body like that deserves to be worshiped.”

“He gets enough worshipfulness from me, his girlfriend by the way—in case you’d forgotten who you’re ogling.”

“Oh, I haven’t forgotten. Haven’t forgotten you promised me more details either.”

“You’re such a perve.”

“You know it. And honey, you have nothing to worry about. Anyone can see he’s mad about you.” She smiles and then throws me a wink. “Plus, even if I wanted to hit that, my hands are bound by the code: Hoe Hoes before Bros.”

“That’s too bad, because Elijah loves restraints.” I poke out my tongue and Holly’s mouth falls open.

“You dirty little slutsky. One of these days you’re going to remember I’m your best friend and tell me everything.”

“One of these days I’ll tell you every little insignificant detail, and it’ll be so ingrained in your mind, you won’t look at either one of us the same again. Then you’ll have to move towns in order to escape all those devastatingly gruesome mental pictures.”