Elisabeth Naughton - Wait for Me

He ended the conversation just about the time he pulled into her drive in Moss Beach. His strong hand reached for hers, and she fought the urge to cling to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Talk to me,” he said quietly.

That wouldn’t solve anything. It would only make it worse. A tender conversation about her fears and anxieties would only land her where she really didn’t need to be, and that was in his arms.

She needed to keep perspective, to figure out what the hell she was going to do next. To stop being distracted by a crazy attraction that would only lead to heartbreak.

“I’m fine,” she said again. “I just need a few minutes.”

With hands more steady than she expected, she eased out of the car. He followed her into the house and stood in the entry with his hands on his hips, watching her. She turned to face him, avoiding his gaze, avoiding the comfort she knew was right where she wanted it. “I need to go get a few things upstairs. Just…just make yourself at home. I’ll be back.”

She wasn’t sure how she made it up the stairs, but she paused at the top, looked one way, then the other. Her bedroom was to the right, Reed’s bedroom and her office to the left. If she went into her bedroom and Ryan followed, her willpower would break, and they’d end up in bed. If she went into her office, she’d have the buffer of walls between her and that soft, sweet spot she wanted to tumble across with him.

Sinking into the chair behind her desk, she dropped her hands in her lap and glanced around. Boxes still sat near the window. Pictures leaned against the wall, waiting to be hung. So many things she’d meant to get to, but had never found time for.

“What are you doing?”

Ryan’s voice didn’t surprise her. She’d known he’d follow, that he’d be worried. Why was she able to read him so well all of a sudden?

“Storm’s coming in,” she said quietly, staring out the window.

“Looks pretty calm to me.”

“It’s deceptive. You can tell when a big one’s coming. The wind dies down. There’s the slightest hint of darkness on the horizon. And when you step outside, you can almost smell it in the air.”

He crouched in front of her, resting a hand on her thigh. Her skin sizzled through the thick denim of her jeans. Her body ached to be caressed by those firm hands.

It wouldn’t help.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” he said gently. “Don’t worry.”

Don’t worry. Just like that. If only.

She mustered up as much courage as she could and faced him. “I don’t need you to make it okay for me, Ryan. I know you think you have to swoop in here and protect me from this whole thing, but I can handle it.”

His back straightened, but he didn’t move his hand. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Yes, it is. I know you’re just trying to help, but you’re smothering me. I came up here with the intention of getting my things to go back with you but realized what I need is time to sort through everything on my own.”

His eyes narrowed. “I missed something between this morning and now. What’s going on?”

She brushed his hand away and rose. Telling him to leave when his touch was searing her skin wouldn’t work. She needed space between them. “You didn’t miss anything from this morning. Maybe you just missed it in general.”

He pushed to his feet. “You’re going to have to explain, because I can’t seem to read your mind.”

She lifted her hands, dropped them. “What do you see when you look at me?”

“Is this a trick question?”

“No. It’s an honest one. I know what you see. You see Annie.”

“And that’s bad because…”

“Because, Ryan, I’m not her.”

A frown tugged at his mouth. “What are you talking about?”

He didn’t get it. She wasn’t sure he ever would. And even though it wasn’t the most pressing issue at the moment, it would always be a problem between them. Dealing with it now, before either of them got more hurt in this crazy situation was the best idea.

“I’m talking about this.” She waved her hands. “This, this thing going on between us isn’t working. Every time you look at me, you see someone who doesn’t exist anymore. You have this need to protect me, but it’s not me you’re worried about, it’s someone I used to be. Someone I’m not anymore.”

“Run that by me again, because I’m a little lost.”

She let out a breath. “Ryan, in all the time we’ve been together, you haven’t once called me Kate.”

“Yes, I have.”

“No, you haven’t. I’ve been listening.” Her heart clenched, but she refused to acknowledge the pain. A pain that was a thousand times sharper than she’d expected. “I can admit I’m wildly attracted to you, but that’s just physical. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re attracted to someone who’s not here anymore. I don’t know how to be that person, and I’m not even sure I want to try. I like who I am now. And the person I am now doesn’t need you hovering over her, trying to shelter her from this whole mess.”

He shifted his weight. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying…I don’t think this is going anywhere. I appreciate your help, that you’ve given up time today to check things out with me, but going back to your house with you tonight isn’t going to help matters. Reed and Julia are already confused. Being near you, acting on this combustible attraction isn’t going to help make things better. We both know this isn’t going anywhere, that neither of us is what the other needs or wants in the long run.”

The muscles in his jaw tightened. “So this morning—”

“This morning was me being emotional and overreacting to the stress I’ve been under. It didn’t mean anything.”

Anger flashed in his eyes. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she stood her ground. If she were lucky, he’d get the hint soon and leave before she changed her mind.

Because she really wanted to change her mind. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and hide from everything going on around them. She wanted to forget he thought of someone else when they were together, because she wanted him more than she wanted to think logically.

“I think you should go, Ryan,” she said quietly.

“Just like that?”

“Yes.”

“This is crap. Tell me what’s really going on.”

“This is what’s really going on.” He wasn’t getting it, so she put as much emotion into her voice as she could, hoping that would get her point across. “I don’t need you. And I don’t want you. And the sooner you get that, the better off we’ll all be.”

His eyes locked on hers. Steely, cold eyes. The same hard, emotionless eyes he’d turned on her at the beginning, before the press conference, before he’d kissed her, before she’d realized just what kind of caring man he was inside. “Fine. Whatever.”

He brushed by her. She listened as his footsteps echoed down the stairs. Flinched when the front door opened and slammed shut.

Shaking, she sank to the ground and leaned back against the wall. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her chest ached with a fierceness she hadn’t expected. This pain was so much worse than when she’d lost Jake, and it only made her realize just how much she did want Ryan. She’d fallen for him against her better judgment. And now, no matter where she went, no matter who she met, the reality of what she’d just let slip away would haunt her forever.

The first drops of rain pelted the window. The wind picked up, and waves pounded the shore like a mighty fist. She glanced out at the gray clouds even as tears slid down her cheeks.

Ryan stood on Annie’s front porch and drew in deep, calming breaths. He didn’t need this shit. He’d been on an emotional roller coaster since the day she’d shown up on his doorstep, and it was only getting worse. And he definitely didn’t need a woman telling him what he thought and felt. He knew, dammit.

He jogged down the front steps and walked through the rain to his car. If she wanted to be alone, he’d just leave her alone. He’d been through enough hell because of her.

This morning was me being emotional and overreacting to the stress I’ve been under. It didn’t mean anything.

Her words ran through his mind as he pulled the car door open, and he remembered the look in her eyes when she’d said it. That haunted emotion brewing deep inside. His chest tightened. He’d been so focused on her words, he’d almost missed the most important sign.

Up until they’d seen Dr. Murphy, she’d been fine. She’d handled the news about the phone calls with a calmness he hadn’t expected. She’d even accepted Dr. Murphy’s explanation of her injury. It was only when Ryan had asked if she was going to get her memory back that she’d pulled up those damn invisible walls. Since then, she’d been withdrawn, reserved, hiding behind those barriers.

Dammit. She was pushing him away because she thought he was only interested in who she used to be. She couldn’t possibly know he was starting to question that himself. That he’d already noticed the differences in her, that the attraction he felt to her was stronger than it had ever been before.

And she was sugarcoating it by implying she didn’t need him to take care of her. Then he remembered the panic in her voice when Simone had mentioned going up to Canada.

She wasn’t just scared. She was protecting him too. Not wanting him to get too involved. Doing exactly what she’d told him not to do.

Son of a bitch.

Water ran in rivulets down his face as he slammed the car door, as he jogged back up the front steps. He didn’t knock, instead thrust the door open with his shoulder and took the stairs two by two until he got to the top. When he rounded the corner into her office, he found her slumped against the wall, her elbows crossed over her up-drawn knees, her face buried in her arms.