I watch his right hand, lying on his chest. It rises and falls evenly, which means he’s still asleep. I take the risk of wrapping my arm around his hips.

It’s hard to think about the meaning of the tattoo under my arm. I picture a younger Marchant, confused about what’s happening to him and anguished over what he perceives to be an unforgivable mistake.

“Please be easier on yourself,” I whisper to his sleeping face. “I can’t stand to leave you like this.”

I think of all the time we’ve spent together in the days I’ve been here. He hasn’t always been the perfect guy, but we’ve had fun. More than I expected, that’s for sure. More than I’ve ever had with…well, with most people.

How funny that is. I wouldn’t have thought. But as I look at his closed eyes and his bearded cheeks, I feel like I know him. I feel like’s mine.

The realization makes me flush. I feel raw and off balance, elated and sick. And it dawns on me. “I think I love you.”

My sleeping beau opens his eyes.

25

MARCHANT

I’m having a dream where Suri is telling me she loves me. I’m lying in some clouds, but I can feel her wrapped around me. It’s amazing.

And then something jabs me in the inner thigh. A knee? A foot?

“Marchant,” someone hisses loudly, “wake up. I miss you.”

And it’s weird, because that sounds like Suri, too.

How many Suris are there in heaven?

I crack my eyes open, and I see only one. She has a bandage on her cheek, and— Okay, not dreaming. I remember what happened earlier today and sit straight up, feeling like an idiot for nodding off.

I reach for her face before I tell myself that’s not appropriate anymore and draw back my hand. “You doing okay?”

She nods, and I realize I might as well have touched her. She’s pretty much wrapped around me, and she’s smiling at me sweetly. “I just missed you. Sorry I kinda woke you up.”

Heat suffuses me. My eyes ache with unshed tears—because I remember dreaming that she said she loved me. And I’m pretty sure I dreamed it, but I realize I wish it had been real.

I’m so overcome by my feelings, I can’t do anything but stare at her.

She runs a tickling finger across my forehead, then proceeds to trace the top of my ear. “You sleep okay?”

I swallow. Nod. I clench my jaw and drag a shaky breath in through my nose.

“I’m glad you climbed in bed with me,” she says.

And for some reason, that simple statement is what does it. The first sob sneaks out with some punch, and I roll over on my side, away from her.

I cover my head with my arms. I’m such a fucking freak—but my self-loathing doesn’t stop the tears.

I want her and I can’t have her. Hurts so fucking bad. Confusion roars inside me. I told her why I stay away from everyone and she’s lying here in bed with me, as if she didn’t hear any of it.

A second later, she’s wrapped around me from behind, pressing her cheek against my back. She’s rubbing my arm. Stroking my hair. She’s whispering my name.

“Marchant…it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here. Everything’s okay. You’re okay…”

What I am is helpless. I can’t stop this shit from pouring out of me. It’s like every negative emotion I’ve held in since college is gushing out my eyes.

Even when I regain some control, my body jerks in weird, uncontrollable shudders. My breaths sound loud and wet and messy.

“Like a fucking toddler,” I mutter—although I can’t even really manage that. My voice sounds broken.

“No you’re not a toddler.” She kisses my neck. “You’re just a man, Marchant. Like every other man.”

She’s stroking my back as she says this, and I think I know what she’s trying to impart. I shake my head.

She snuggles in a little closer and begins to stroke my back. “I want to tell you something. I want to tell you something no one knows, and it’s about Adam.”

My muscles tighten a little at the mention of her ex, proving I’m a pigheaded idiot for her.

“Most people think Adam and I broke up because we realized we weren’t right for one another. Really? We broke up because Adam has a drinking problem, and when drunk, he liked to call me names. Not fun, sexy names; real names. And one night, when we were in the pool behind my house in Napa, Adam was drunk and he grabbed my wrist and I fell and knocked a tooth out.” Her hand comes around me and grabs my hand, and she brings it to her mouth. This causes me to turn a little toward her.

I feel embarrassed by how I might look, but she doesn’t seem to notice as she guides my hand into her mouth. “You feel this tooth? It’s fake.”

I get the nerve to turn around and face her fully. She’s got a pillow propped under her ribs, and I feel like shit knowing that I’m the reason why. Someone attacked her in my home, and I wasn’t around to protect her because I was in the basement, feeling sorry for myself.

It’s inexcusable.

Her hand comes under my chin, and I raise my eyes to hers. “Marchant, I’m okay,” she murmurs.

“I’m that obvious?”

“Not always.” She smiles a little, and I remember what we’re talking about. Her ex, Adam. Abusive Adam. Someone needs to kick his fucking ass.

“You’re obvious now, too. You think you need to beat him up? No. You don’t.” She runs a slender finger over my eyebrows; it feels so good I calm a little. “I’m done with Adam. I’m telling you this because, Marchant… Adam is not bipolar. He’s got two living parents—both great people. But he wasn’t good for me.”

“What point does that prove?”

“What I’m trying to say is that you have to take life on a person-by-person basis. Everyone is different. Lizzy’s mother has a drug problem. She’s been diagnosed bipolar before, although I don’t think she is. But if she was? Are you just like her? Larry Flint is bipolar, I’ve heard. I don’t think Saddam Huessein was. It doesn’t define you. Surely you don’t think it does?”

“It means I can’t be trusted.” I rub my head. “I do impulsive, stupid things that ruin lives.”

“Okay. Question: How many manic episodes have you had?”

I shrug, feeling self-conscious. “Mine last a while, and I’ve had two I think.”

“Two’s not a lot. Could you be trusted in the interim?”

“I like to gamble sometimes,” I confess.

“Do you gamble excessively?”

“I get myself into a place I don’t like sometimes. But I also win a lot.” I arch a brow.

“That sounds normal enough.”

I shake my head. “I’m not normal. I’ll never be normal.”

“What if I don’t want you normal?”

Stillness settles over me like a warm blanket. “What do you mean?” I whisper. I look into her eyes, and I can’t breathe.

“I’m saying that I want you, Marchant.” She grabs my forearm. “Stay! I’m tired of you running from me.”

“You want me how?” I rasp. I don’t believe what I think I hear; I’m still wearing my poker face.

“I want you like, I want you.”

“For sex,” I murmur.

“More than sex.”

My mouth moves on its own. I swear it does. Because I say, “I want you, too.”

* * *

SURI

We spend the next few hours in bed, cocooned in blankets and pillows. I’m caught up in a weird combination of feelings. I’m elated that Marchant said he wants me, too. I can’t get enough of touching him, talking to him. And yet, I’m kind of scared. The police officer I talked to didn’t seem to take the break-in very seriously, but Marchant’s security team definitely is. I feel safe now, with Marchant right by me, but sometimes when I close my eyes, I feel like I’m still standing at the foot of the bed, waiting to see what will come at me next.

In between kissing me—everywhere—Marchant keeps in touch with the security people.

“What are they saying?” I ask after coming out of the bathroom. I heard him on the phone while I was in there, showering.

He turns to me with a weird, expressionless face. “I think they found out who it was.”

“You’re kidding. Who?”

His lips pinch. “One of the ex-SEALS on the team spotted Marissa in a rental car at a gas station a few miles away. She’s wearing her hair long, just like you said you saw, and she’s also slim. When questioned, she claimed that she had come to find me as part of her AA steps.”

He just sits there, staring at me without moving or even breathing, and the first thing I feel is a rush of sympathy for him.

“Marchant—God. That’s crazy. Did they arrest her?”

He nods once. “Lucky for us, she was driving on a suspended license.”

“Oh.” So that’s it. “Wow. That’s so weird.” I look up at his face. It’s solemn, guilt-ridden, so I grab his hand and squeeze. “You didn’t do this, Marchant. You didn’t do it. Marissa did. And I’m okay.”

“You have bruised ribs and stitches.” He’s up now, off the bed and pacing. “That is not okay.”

“It’s not your fault,” I repeat.

He stops mid-step. “Suri—can’t you see? This is never going to end. As long as I’m me, this shit will happen. And anyone who’s with me will get caught in the crossfire.”

I close the space between us and grab his neck, wrapping both my arms around him and pulling him down close. “I’ll take your crossfire, any day,” I say into his collar. “It’s better than a day without you. Marchant—” I pull away and look into his eyes— “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here, and finish up the job, and finish this with you.”

He stares at me again—that long, hard stare that gets the butterflies fired up in my stomach. After a few thunderous heartbeats, he stuns me with a little smile. “So call Lizzy.”