“I’m sorry.” I’m not sure what else to say. But her wide eyes are fixed on my face, so I swallow past the dryness in my throat. “Do you want children?”

“I don’t know. I never really got a chance to think about it. Probably, though. I think I’d like to adopt a little girl or boy.”

I nod a little. “Well…that’s something.”

“Something,” she says. “Yeah. I guess it is.” And, after a moment looking into my eyes: “You don’t want kids? Because of…your mother?”

“I don’t want an accidental pregnancy,” I hedge.

“Well, you’re safe with me.” She winks, but the smile she gives me is not real.

I wonder what she would think if she knew the truth about my problem.

I tell myself that I’m a fool for wondering.

* * *

SURI

I’ve been invited to dinner with ‘the girls.’ In the past four days, Marchant and I kept bumping into Juniper, the British one, and she eventually asked if I’d like to go to fajita night with the Love Inc. ladies who are still hanging around. (Some of them took time off, because there weren’t enough cottages for everyone to continue seeing clients).

That was yesterday—the day that turned into the night when I told Marchant about my inability to procreate.

I’m probably being crazy, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s been more distant since I told him. Today he was at the cottage most of the day, doing book-keeping stuff, he said, while I began sorting through fabrics and colors to create the new look for the almost completely sheet rocked main house interior. I think I’ve got the floors and paints mostly decided, and I’ve got a tentative plan for furniture and plants.

I can’t wait to show it to Marchant, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. For now, I put on a strappy red dress, silver shoes, and my favorite low-key jewelry, then pull my hair into a casual bun and add lipstick.

When I walk into the living area, I’m hoping to be greeted by a low whistle. Instead, the place is empty. Or I think it is. I’m at the front door, planning to wait for Juniper on the porch, when I hear Marchant’s voice from the kitchen.

As soon as I walk in, he ends whatever conversation he was having and drops his phone into his pocket. His eyes find mine, and my sketch-ometer starts going off, because he doesn’t even notice I’ve dressed up. He looks distracted. Unhappy.

“What’s wrong?”

He blinks at me like he’s just waking up. “Umm…what?”

“You just…you look— Is everything okay?”

“Yeah.” He frowns at me. “Where are you going?”

“Fajita night, remember?”

“Oh yeah. Good,” he says definitively.

“Glad to be rid of me,” I tease.

“I can’t hang out tonight. Work stuff,” he tells me.

For once, he didn’t join me in the shower after work.

“Everything okay?” I ask.

“Nothing for you to worry about,” he says firmly. And there’s something about the way he says it… Like no way would it be my business.

It bothers me.

“Okay,” I tell him. “See you later tonight.”

As I wait on the porch for Juniper, I’m worrying about what will happen when this project is over—worrying about how hard I’m falling for him—when the door opens and he sticks his head outside. “I just wanted to tell you—you look good. Have a good time. They’re nice people.”

“I know,” I smile. “And thanks. Hope you get your work stuff sorted out.”

“I hope so too.”

There’s something odd about the way he says it. I’m still thinking back to it when Juniper and a few of the other girls arrive.

* * *

MARCHANT

My P.I. called today. So did my finance guy. Apparently someone has been attempting to log into my money accounts. I can only assume it’s a minion following orders from Rex Hawkins, who is still pissed off despite my self-fine.

I spend most of the morning pacing around the cottage, wishing I hadn’t re-paid the fucker an extra twenty-five percent of what I owed. Wondering if it was he who sent the text referencing the fire. I know I was late paying him back and I grazed his foot with a bullet, but shit. How far will the motherfucker go?

After weeks of reckless mania, worry is a strange, disturbing thing.

I have my money manager report the suspicious activity to a monitoring arm of the FBI, and he comes back with a long list of IP addresses from places like Tokyo, Lima, Paris, and San Diego. Of course he does. My hacker friend is probably using TOR, a black-market-friendly system that keeps their true location hidden.

I spend some time wishing I could hop on a plane and disappear. Lead my pursuants somewhere far away from here. Trouble is, Love Inc. is an easy target whether I’m here or not. And I guess I’m jumping the gun a little. No one’s made a threat. And I really have no idea who is snooping. I’m not exactly low-profile, and a lot of people assume I’m worth a lot more than I really am. Compared to someone like Hunter, I’m a pauper.

I take a long shower and jerk off thinking of Miss Dalton.

After my shower, I get a phone from a withheld number. Normally I’d ignore it, but because of all this other shit I answer, and after a second, I wish I hadn’t. Fuck. All I can hear on the other end is heavy breathing. For a second, I’m worried someone kidnapped Suri. Talk about an easy target. Her father is one of the most financially successful people on the planet. Makes me so fucking anxious.

But when I walk to the main house late in the afternoon, I find her safe inside, talking to Tom about ceiling textures.

I need to calm down.

I have an early afternoon session with Dr. Libby. Three times a week seems excessive, but apparently that’s the protocol after a manic episode—especially one that includes an adventure to the bottom of a pool. We talk about Riker, by some strange twist of conversation. She’s going to school at UCLA, majoring in environmental science. Libby tries to lead me down the path to my mother—do I remember her being hospitalized for mania?—but I veer the other way. I just don’t fucking feel like it.

By the time Suri returns to the cottage around five, I’m like a fucking puppy. I want to feel her. I want to talk to her. And that’s when Dave calls back. He doesn’t even tell me anything helpful, just confirms that he’s got a tracer on my phone line here at the cottage, and the extra security I had Richard bring on are all in place; all doing their jobs.

By the time I get off with Dave, I can hear Suri in the shower. My cock is hard, and I want nothing more than to join her. But I’ve been fanaticizing about confiding in her about my hacker. Ultimately, that’s why I don’t hop in the shower with her. This desire to share things with her is clearly against our rules. I just haven’t decided what to do about it yet.

Another call from Dave distracts me from making proper conversation with Suri before she heads out. I try to tell myself it’s no big deal. I’ve gotten through most of my life without the woman. I can rough it tonight.

I cook some bacon, eat an apple, and pull a Cuban out of my humidor. Everyone’s away tonight. I decided I’ll walk the grounds, then maybe the new building. That’ll make me feel good.

I walk the maze first. Like the libraries in the main house and the cottages modeled after my childhood home, I made the maze for me. Because I get anxious sometimes. Because even though I’ve only been full-blown manic twice, I’ve felt myself start to drift that way much more than twice, and when I do, I have to re-focus. To clear my mind and get rid of my anxieties. I like the maze, because I know it. No surprises.

The sun is setting, painting the sky a vibrant indigo. I can already see stars a few stairs blinking their way through the evening sky. For some reason, they make me feel good. You can see lots of stars from my place. You can take a deep breath and smell the grass. When there’s a breeze like tonight, you can hear the leaves rustle in the trees. This is my business. This is where I live, where others live, where others come for pleasure. It’s not a bad place. And despite how fucking close I came, I didn’t ruin it. I didn’t burn it to the ground. And even though I gambled away a shit ton of money, I’ve got more. So I am able to re-build. I might be fucked up—I might be shit for personal relationships—but I’m good at what I do. People like working for me. And I do well enough that even my own fuck-ups can’t bring me down.

The more I think about it, the more I think maybe it isn’t Hawkins messing with my stuff.

I walk out of the maze nearly an hour later with a weight flung off my shoulders.

As I skirt the pond, I remember being there with Suri, and I have the sudden thought: What if I wasn’t bipolar? How would I feel about her then? If I wasn’t a danger to her…?

Why am I even wondering? I am. I know I am. Just ask Marissa.

I’ll never not be a danger to Suri. Maybe I am good at business, but I’m bad for other people. I like Suri Dalton a lot. I like her not just for the sex. I like her for lots of other things. Like for the Wheel of Fortune. And that’s bad. That’s really bad.

Still, I’m fighting with myself. I’m remembering how good my mother was with Riker and I—how our childhood was normal and, as best as I can remember, happy. I don’t know how the plane went down—because much of the body and the control panel were burned. I don’t know what kind of mood she was in that day. Maybe it wasn’t mom’s fault.

For just a few minutes, I allow myself to remember her. How full her cheeks were when she smiled and how she always smelled like perfumed lotion. I remember the way she used to yank me up off the ground and spin me in a circle while she sang a silly little kid song when I scraped my knee, how one time when I got in trouble for sneaking out of class in high school—planning to kiss Julie Thomas in the janitor’s closet—she took the principal to task when he suggested I was a troublemaker.