‘I went out with Sam, and that didn’t work.’

She sighed again. ‘Once, which is hardly giving it a chance, and you haven’t been out with anyone else, have you? If men show any interest, you back off.’

‘But not many of them do, or they’re not serious, like Guy, so you might as well give me up as a lost cause. I met my soulmate and losing him hurt too much to want to try again, even if I believed there was another Mr Right out there, which I don’t.’

‘You’re hopeless!’ she said, but affectionately. ‘The children loved their presents, by the way.’

‘So they should, when you told me exactly what they wanted!’

‘But I didn’t tell you what I wanted, and that was lovely too.’

‘Easy! I remembered when the saleswoman in Debenhams sprayed that perfume on your wrist and I thought you were never going to wash your arm again! And I adore my scarf, by the way — I’m wearing it now. Light but very warm.’

‘The family send their love and wish you were here with us.’

‘It’s probably better that I’m not, I’d only be a reminder that Alan wasn’t there.’

‘Don’t be daft, you know he’s always in our thoughts anyway, especially around this time of year. But we’ve accepted what happened and moved on with our lives, even though we miss him terribly — and since your gran died, I’m getting the feeling that you’re finally beginning to do the same.’

‘Yes, I realised I’d dealt with Alan’s death by closing the door on it, rather than properly grieving. But now I keep thinking of him and remembering the happy times we had, especially at Christmas.’

‘You were twice as brisk and bossy once you’d moved to the country and started working for Ellen, but now you sound much more like the old Holly, though with a bit of extra bite.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I expect being pitchforked into having to cope with Christmas has done you a power of good.’

‘You’re probably right, but I still feel guilty about forgetting the anniversary of Alan’s death.’

‘No, that was a very healthy sign and you shouldn’t feel guilty in the least.’

‘There’s so much to do every day at Old Place that I hardly have a minute to myself and certainly no time to brood over the past — or if I do, it’s over Gran’s past, because I’m dying to find out what happened.’

‘But if there’s loads to do, then even if the roads thaw, Jude might want you to stay on?’ she suggested.

‘Actually, I have agreed to stay and cook right over Christmas — there weren’t really a lot of alternatives. After that, we’ll see. At least there are other people now to look after the horses and sort out the generator if our electricity goes off again.’

‘That “our” sounds very proprietary!’

‘I’ve put in so much hard work on Old Place, I feel I have an interest in it,’ I said. ‘I’ve got really attached to Merlin, too — and Lady is a sweetie. She makes this blowing noise down her nose whenever she sees me, but that might be because I keep giving her chunks of carrot. Actually, I’m rather missing helping to look after her now that Becca has taken over,’ I admitted. ‘She used to shove her nose down the back of my neck when I was mucking her out and it was all velvety.’

‘What, Becca?’

‘No, you imbecile, Lady!’

By now it was quite dark and really too bitterly cold to stand there much longer. My feet seemed to have turned to ice despite having Merlin sitting on them (he’s not daft), so I said my goodbyes and headed for home.

Chapter 29

Abominable

My father sat there as if poleaxed for several minutes, then told me very coldly that I was no daughter of his and I was to leave his house and never return. My mother, though she cried, did not go against him. He told her to pack the rest of my things and send them on to me.

May, 1945

I was just trudging back up the drive through the dark stand of trees above the lodge when a huge menacing figure suddenly stepped right out in front of me.

The adrenaline was pumping and I had my heavy, rubber-coated torch raised ready in my hand to defend myself with, by the time it occurred to me that Merlin wasn’t in the least alarmed. I upended it and clicked on the beam, following him as he bounded forward and greeted Jude, who must have been lurking at the end of the path that led to his studio.

‘Hello, you fickle old fool,’ he said, fondling Merlin’s ears, then he looked up apologetically, squinting into the light in a way that did little to aid his beauty. ‘Sorry, did I startle you? I felt like some fresh air and thought I might as well go down to the mill and maybe walk back with you. I didn’t like the idea of you wandering about alone in the dark and snow.’

‘Actually, I wasn’t at all nervous until you suddenly loomed up. I have a perfectly good torch, as you see.’

‘Yes, I’ve noticed — and taking the beam out of my eyes would be a kindness,’ he said acidly.

I lowered it slightly.

‘Thanks, it felt like I was being interrogated under a searchlight. It must be a big torch?’

‘All the better to hit you with, if you’d turned out to be an assailant,’ I explained. ‘Rubber casing, though, so it would only have concussed you, at worst. Or best.’

‘No chance, you couldn’t have reached up that far!’

‘I might have had to go for a different, softer target,’ I admitted and he winced. ‘Generally, though, most muggers wouldn’t be much taller than me.’

‘I suppose not,’ he said, falling into step beside me as I headed past him up the drive. Merlin took up his position with his nose pressed to the back of my leg — or rather, the back of my long winter coat.

There was no snow under the thick stand of pines, though it glimmered ahead where the wood opened up to the snowy turf in front of the house. Somewhere away to the left was the faint rushing noise of the stream, mingling with the sound of the bitter wind stirring the treetops.

‘Christmas dinner was wonderful,’ he said finally, breaking the silence. ‘Did I tell you?’

‘Yes, you even proposed a toast to my cooking. And I loved my presents — thank you. They were a surprise, because I wasn’t expecting any except Jess’s necklace, which she’d been hinting about.’

‘That’s okay, I’m just glad I had that mad moment in the airport shop and bought the place up. But you must be tired — you’ve barely stopped since early morning.’

‘No, not really, I’m used to cooking for house-parties, though I don’t usually do anything else but prep, cook and clear. Tonight we’re only having sandwiches, sausage rolls, cake, mince pies and trifle for supper, which I’ll put out in the sitting room — that should do it. Or people can take a tray into the morning room if they want to eat and watch TV.’

‘You know, I really am grateful that you took Tilda and Noël up to Old Place after Tilda’s accident,’ he said. ‘It’s made me realise just how frail they are — I think seeing them every day must have blinded me to it. I just took everything Tilda said about doing the cooking at face value.’

‘In her head, Tilda is still capable of doing everything she used to and she seems to have deluded herself and Noël that she still does most of the cooking at home, though according to Jess it’s their housekeeper that actually does it.’

‘I think Noël knows, but he always goes along with whatever she says for a peaceful life. She tries to boss you about, too, I’ve noticed.’

‘I don’t mind, it’s a head-chef sort of bossing — I had to take a lot of that when I first started my career in a restaurant in Merchester. I ended up being head-chef there myself before. . well, before I left and joined Homebodies instead.’

‘Was that after your husband died?’

We were now out of the trees and crunching through the crusty snow up the side of the drive, where it was less slippery. ‘Yes, I wanted a complete change.’

If he was asking personal questions, then I didn’t see why I shouldn’t, too, so I said, ‘I hadn’t realised until today that you were a widower?’

‘Yes, I met Kate at art college, we married while still students and then, as you probably gathered, she died of leukaemia a few months later.’

‘That was tragically young. What was she like?’

‘Sweet, talented, funny. . brave, especially towards the end,’ he said, remembered pain in his voice. ‘I felt guilty just for being healthy when she was literally fading away before my eyes. Coco looks a bit like her — I think that must have been what attracted me to her, though she’s nothing like Kate in character.’

‘I’m so sorry: I shouldn’t have reminded you of her.’

‘It doesn’t matter — it’s better to face your demons, isn’t it?’

‘That’s the conclusion I’ve come to,’ I agreed, ‘but it’s taken me some time.’

‘But your loss is much more recent than mine: I lost Kate such a long time ago that mostly she’s just a sad, distant memory. . though I knew I never wanted to feel pain again like I did when I lost her,’ he added in a low voice, more to himself, it seemed to me, than for my ears.

‘I was married for eight years and my best friend is my husband’s sister, so I’d known Alan most of my life. We were very happy.’

‘I expect he liked being bossed about, then,’ he suggested outrageously; back to normal Jude mode, just as I was feeling much more in sympathy with him.

I was about to vehemently deny this suggestion when the words stuck to my tongue, because it was perfectly true, even if Alan didn’t actually mind. ‘It wasn’t like that,’ I explained. ‘He was easy-going, but stubborn, too — if he made up his mind to something, I couldn’t change it.’