Non Pratt - Trouble

I think we used up all the fun in the world today. Which is just as well, because tomorrow I’m going to have to start revising like a bastard and then my life will be no fun whatsoever.

“Hannah?”

Mum’s standing in the doorway and, because I’m facing away from the door, she has to wait as I wriggle and flop my way round until I’m facing her.

She comes in and sits on the bed and hands me the phone without saying anything.

I frown and take it, glancing at my clock. It’s nearly midnight.

“Hannah? Is that you, love?” It’s Gran.

“Yeah, it’s me. You OK, Gran?” I’m worried.

“Me? Yes, I’m fine… fine.” There’s a pause. “Hannah, I’ve something to tell you, love.”

I’m sweaty and panicking.

“It’s Neville.”

Neville?

“He’s died, love.”

It took me a ridiculously long time to work out what to text after I found out about Neville. What do you say in 160 characters?

Heard Neville died yesterday. That sucks. Ru OK?

Sorry 2 hear bout Neville, he was a gr8 guy. Ru OK?

Gran told me bout Neville. That must b really hard 4 u. Ru OK?

Death is bad. Ru OK?

R. U. OK?

In the end I settle for something a little less pushy:

Here if u need me. Hx

Maybe a text is too impersonal. Should I call him?

Normally I’m good with this kind of thing, knowing how to care about someone, giving them the right balance of attention. But that’s not the relationship I have with Aaron. He’s the one who takes care of me.

I sit up. Think, Hannah. What would Aaron do?

It’s like What Would Jesus Do.

Jesus would say something like, “Neville’s found his true place.” He wouldn’t say “heaven” because I’m pretty sure Neville is going down. He made the seven deadly sins his to-do list, with lust underlined three times.

Listen to me talk. I don’t think God’s going to be too pleased if I schlep up to the Pearly Gates before I’ve done a bit of make-up time to cancel out my misspent youth.

It’s no good. I don’t know what Aaron would do and this is one thing I can’t ask his advice on.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have come round to his house? It’s a bit stalker-y. Only I can’t back out now because I’m absolutely busting for the loo and I’m not sure I’d make it home in time and no one wants to find a pregnant girl squatting behind their front hedge.

Mrs Tyler — I can’t call her Stephanie (if I did I’d have to call her husband by his first name and neither of us wants that) — is the one that answers my knock on the door. She looks pleasantly surprised to see me, and tells me that Aaron’s in his room. It’s only once I’ve bolted past her to the bathroom and swapped sympathetic “been there, done that” smiles that I notice Mrs Tyler doesn’t look like she knows about Neville. Although now I’m peeing in her toilet I might have missed my chance to find out.

When I go upstairs, Aaron’s room looks dark, but when I push the door open, I see him lying on his bed in shorts and a T-shirt, watching TV. I walk in and sit on the end of the bed.

“Hey,” I say.

Aaron nods and I turn to see whatever he’s watching. Adverts.

“Are you OK?” I ask, as if I don’t know the answer. I don’t even know why I’m asking.

Aaron doesn’t say anything.

“Are you just sad about Neville?”

His eyes flicker away from whatever point they were fixed on, but they don’t look at me. They look at the leather jacket Neville gave him for Christmas.

“There’s no such thing as ‘just’ sad,” he says, before giving me a look that makes me feel the size of an ant.

“I didn’t mean that,” I say. “Sorry.”

I shrug.

“‘Just’ saying,” I say with a small smile that’s not meant for Hannah. I wish she’d left me in peace. Silence suits my mood. She’s fidgeting at the end of the bed, trying to find the words that will get me to open up about Neville.

It’s a lost cause. I’m not going to talk to her about this. Words can’t describe how I’m feeling.

“When’s the funeral?”

I suppose that’s better than a question about my feelings.

“Week after next sometime. Easter slows things down.”

“Are you going?”

I nod, once. Of course I’ll go.

“Do you want me to come with?” The question comes at me from the end of a long, dark tunnel so that it doesn’t seem real by the time I hear it. I don’t answer. I’m thinking about funerals. Too many funerals.

There’s a sigh and I come back to the room: Hannah sitting on my bed, meaningless adverts flickering behind her, giving her a halo of sorts. If Hannah’s my guardian angel then no wonder I’m screwed.

“Look, Aaron, I know it’s awful that Neville’s passed away…” I think about how many euphemisms there are for death and I wonder whether I’ve even heard half of them. “…but I don’t think sitting at home on your own is going to make you feel any better about it.”

I don’t say anything. She’s led me back to dangerous territory where we talk about feelings. I am not ready for feelings. I am not ready to feel them, let alone talk about them.

Mum calls from downstairs.

“I’ve got to go down for dinner,” I say, hoping she’ll take the hint.

I try and think what I can do to let him know that he can talk to me about it. That I’m here. Not just here in his room, but here in his life. I shuffle closer to him and go in for a hug, but it’s the worst thing I could have done. Aaron bends into me at the waist, but he’s stiff and cold and he doesn’t put his arms round me, just seems to wait until I’ve finished holding him before he springs back upright.

“How come you came over?”

“I wanted to see how you were.”

Aaron waves a hand at his clothing and hair.

“Do your parents know?”

Aaron says nothing.

“You haven’t told them?” That’s worrying, but I don’t want to sound judgemental. “Aaron, you can talk to me.”

“I am talking to you.”

“Mostly you’re just scowling over my shoulder at the stupid TV and waving your hands around. That’s not talking.”

“I’m sorry. My best friend just died. I’m not quite up to polite conversation.”

“I don’t want polite conversation.” I’m getting upset — not helped by the fact he just called Neville his best friend. What does that make me? “I just want conversation. With you. I’m worried about you.”

“Thanks for your concern.” He’s bitingly sarcastic. “I like the way it’s manifesting itself as being irritated with me — that’s really touching.”

I’m stunned at how mean he’s being. But he’s upset, he’s grieving, I’ve got to be patient with him. Which isn’t exactly something I’m known for. Aaron’s still looking over my shoulder and I can see that he’s tired. I wonder if he got a call in the middle of the night? Or was it the first thing he heard this morning? I want him to tell me what he’s thinking — if he wants to cry, go out, get wasted… I. Don’t. Know. And that’s the point. I want to. I want to do whatever it is he wants me to do.

I wish I was psychic.

Hannah is struggling at the end of the bed. I know she wants something from me, but I’ve nothing to give.

“Hannah, I’ve got to go down for dinner.”

She nods, and I hear her try and smother a sniff.

“Are you crying?”

“No.” She’s lying. I don’t even know why I asked. “I’m just sad about Neville.”

Her voice is husky with tears and when she looks up I can see them pooling in her eyes.

“Me too,” I say, but my words are hollow. They sound like lines I’m reading from a play. They aren’t connected with anything that’s going on inside me.

“You can talk to me about it, you know. I’m here for you.”

She cares more about me sharing than she cares about me.

“Hannah, can’t you just let it go?” Aaron stands up. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not OK. I’m not even fucking close to being OK, but that doesn’t mean I want to talk about it. Not to you, not to my parents, not to a mental health professional…”

His reaction strikes me dumb. Why is he so angry with me for caring?

“Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“No.” I surprise myself with my answer. “I can’t leave you alone, Aaron. I’m worried about you. I care about you. I want to help you when you need me most — the way you did for me.”

“Tit for tat?”

“No, that’s not what I meant—” But he’s not listening to me.

“Because it doesn’t have to be.”

“What do you mean?” I’m scared. A dead, dark feeling in my heart.

“If the price of being your hero is having you try to save me like this, then I resign.”

“Resign?” I whisper. I feel like I’ve lost control of everything that’s happening around me. Aaron’s unravelling and I can’t seem to grab the end of the string.

“I’m out. Done. Finished. Go find Jay and get him to do the honourable thing.” Aaron looks through me, his eyes hard and glassy. It’s like he’s someone else. “I’m not the hero you’re looking for, Hannah…” Aaron suddenly sits down on the bed, the heels of his hands pressing into his eye sockets. “I’m just not. You expect too much from me.”