Rachel Dyken - Toxic

“And?” I prompted.

“And none of your business.” There was that damn smile again.

“Great, so…” Lisa nodded awkwardly. “Guess we’ll be going to the group home this weekend?”

“I’ll have to call and—”

“—they have game night Friday nights. Better go Saturday afternoon.” With that I pushed away from the table. My chair toppled to the ground as I made my way out of the dorm room and down the hall. I pressed the elevator button so hard I jammed my finger.

“You gonna tell her?” Wes’s calm voice said from behind me.

“Shit!” I hit my hand against the elevator door, praying it would open soon so I could escape. “Tell her what?”

“About the fact that you basically visit that same group home at least four times a week?”

Leave it to Wes to stalk me.

“You have security detail on me or what, man?” I tried to laugh but the laugh got caught in my throat.

“Something like that,” Wes’s said softly. “You know you could have told me.”

“Told you?” I croaked. “Just what do you know? I mean, what the hell Wes, what’s left to tell? Seems like you know it all anyway.”

The elevator dinged. I rushed in and pressed the lobby button.

“For what it’s worth…” Wes swallowed and looked away. “I’ve known for months.”

I swore and closed my eyes.

“Don’t tell,” I pleaded as the doors closed.

Snap at my best friend? Lose my shit in front of everyone I love? Check and check. I was losing myself — again. And this time I wasn’t sure I’d make it through. After all, being lost once is an accident… but if it happens twice, three times? A guy’s gotta wonder if it’s just in his destiny to never be found. —Gabe H.

Gabe

With a curse I kicked the door to the elevator, ready to break the damn thing in.

By the time I was in the lobby, I was ready to find an escape; anything would do at that point.

My phone rang. I reached into my pocket and cursed when I saw the number.

“Hello?”

“P—Gabe?”

“Yes?”

“She’s having another one of those nights… we’ve tried calming her down, but she wants you to sing to her, think you could do that?”

“Sure.” My throat constricted with tears. “Of course, just put me on speakerphone like usual.”

The phone made a static noise and then I heard Princess cry, “Park, Parkerrr! Sing our song, sing it! They don’t sing it right!”

“Aw, Princess that’s because they aren’t me.”

I heard giggling on the other end. “Okay, Park, I’m in bed.”

“Snug as a bug in a rug?”

“Snug!” she yelled in that high-pitched voice I’d grown used to. It had changed since the accident — it had become more childlike, more precious.

I looked around the lobby and went into one of the corners. Nobody was near me. so it’s not like someone would record my little performance and put it on YouTube.

“I love my Princess, my favorite girl. Every time I hear her laugh, I want to save the world — cause she’s my, my, my girl.”

Princess started singing along with me.

“My girl, my girl, she’ll always be my girl. And when the tears fall from her eyes, I’ll swear to never let her cry… never alone, never without me, never without us together. My girl, her and I will rule forever. My girl. She’ll forever be my girl.”

“Thanks, Parker,” she said in a happy voice.

Memories came flooding back.

“You’re crazy!” Kimmy laughed as I twirled her around the small room. “Put me down!”

“Never!” I vowed and then kissed her hard on the mouth. “If I put you down, then I’ll have to pick you up again, and that just seems silly since I want you in my arms forever.”

“Laying it on thick, Parker.” Her eyes twinkled.

“You love it.”

She nodded and laughed again. “It’s you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Thanks for the song…” she said in a breathless voice. “I love it.”

“Every night.” I vowed. “It should be your lullaby every night. So when you fall asleep, the last thing you think of is me, and when you wake up, I want you to think of us.”

“I like that.” She kissed my cheek.

I set her on her feet and cupped her face. “Kimmy, I’ll always be there for you. You need to know that.”

She nodded, her eyes welling with tears. “I’m afraid we don’t have enough time — like something’s going to happen.”

“Stop…” I pulled her in for a kiss. “Regardless of what happens, it’s you and me. Tell me you believe me. Abandoning you? It’s never going to happen.”

“Thanks, Park.”

“Anything for you Princess, anything for you.”

Rustling and static told me they were taking me off speaker phone. The airy echo sound was gone and the connection was solid again. “Thanks again, Gabe. You know how hard it is on her when she doesn’t sleep.”

“Anytime.” My voice cracked. “After all, I made a promise.” I’d vowed never to abandon her.

That was it.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

There was a reason I lost myself in women — a reason I didn’t do relationships, a reason I closed myself off from the world.

Because the minute you let someone in — they either die — or you kill them — literally. That was my truth. My life.

A girl stepped off the elevator dressed to kill. Her blonde hair was piled high on her head, her makeup so dark she looked like a prostitute.

“Hey…” I licked my lips as the girls head snapped up. “Where you off to?”

“Out.”

I nodded and took a step toward her as the elevator doors opened into the lobby. “Out sounds good.”

“’Kay.” Her eyelashes lowered. “Gabe, right?”

“Right.” I wasn’t surprised. I had a certain reputation.

“So,” she said, as a blush spread across her cheeks, “you can ride with me if you want.”

My body trembled, I was ready to puke all over again. I wanted to run, I didn’t even know where I wanted to run, but running never got me anywhere. Running still made it hurt.

I wanted to lose myself.

“How about…” I gripped her hand. “…we hang out for a bit and then we’ll decide when the riding takes place?”

Her eyes briefly widened and then her mouth dropped open as a hiss of air escaped. “Sounds… good. Real good.”

****

The club was filled with sweaty bodies grinding all up in each other’s business. It may have appeared to be my scene, but I was more of a classic rock type of guy, so hearing TI play over the loud speaker made me wince, but I tried to appear into it.

A techno track came on, the green lights started to flash with the pounding music.

“Wanna drink?” Cee-Cee asked.

Hey, at least I’d learned her name.

Even if I did kiss her first and then ask.

Not that she’d minded. She already had her legs spread when I got into the car with her — I didn’t take her up on that particular offer — at least not yet. I wasn’t drunk enough yet, not high enough, not pissed enough.

“Shots.” I licked my lips. “Let’s order shots.”

She shrugged and went over to the bartender while I just stood there and watched as people laughed and partied.

I used to party like that.

Hell, I used to laugh.

But after Wes’s surgery — things had changed. I’d been living a lie for half my life; how the hell did I somehow run out of strength to be the person I wanted people to see? It was like I was a burnt out actor, only it wasn’t a movie. It was my reality.

“Cheers.” Cee-Cee winked, her dark eyelashes fanning against her cheeks as we each did three shots without choking. She must be a regular. Most girls would be downing vodka sodas and asking about calorie content.

“Wanna dance?” She leaned in so close I could smell the vanilla perfume she wore. I fought the urge to push her away.

“Not really in the mood for dancing.” Instead of pushing her, I pulled her against me, ready to lose myself.

“What’s your story?” she asked above the noisy music.

“I don’t do the whole deep emotional talking and spilling my guts out onto the floor. so if you’re into that, screw off,” I snapped.

“Good.” She nodded in approval as she shoved her hands down the front of my jeans in front of everyone. “I don’t either.”

My body flared to life and I hated myself for it.

Without saying a word, I dragged her toward the back of the club.

“Wait.” She winked and then pulled a joint out of her slim black purse, “You want?”

“Aw, honey, you think I’m into that shit? I go big or go home.”

“I can tell.” She looked me up and down, her eyes settling on my arousal before she reached into her purse and pulled out a plastic bag full of white powder and a mirror. “You like?”

“Very much,” I lied and looked away. I knew how this scene would play out. I knew it like I knew the back of my hand.

I’d sneak her into the bathroom, she’d line up the coke for me to snort, we’d get high, we’d drink, I’d take advantage of her, she’d smell like cheap perfume. Her sweat would be all over me and I’d be caught up in the same damn trap I’d been caught up in years ago.

The only difference now?

Now, I was too numb, too indifferent to care.

You know you’re in some deep shit when doing drugs doesn’t make you feel — I felt nothing. I was empty. I lacked the energy to pretend.

I’d lost myself.

My identity had been music, and then her, and then I’d been happy just being Gabe, the happy little player with a heart of gold.