Bertrice Small - To Love Again

"I must leave you, my dear lord, if I am to save you from your enemies. There is no other way, and in your heart you know that I am right in this. And what of Wulf Ironfist? He and I have lands in Britain that we must reclaim, and a child who is lost, but whom we will find. I cannot turn my back on any of this, though I am torn between you both! Once I said that Fortuna was not kind to me, but she has been too kind, I think, for what other woman has been so well-loved by two such wonderful men? It is possible, you know, for a woman to love two men.

"Had I ever believed that I should be reunited with Wulf Ironfist again, I should not have allowed you to love me, Flavius Aspar. You do not really need me. I am but a liability to you. Wulf needs me."

"You could not have ever kept me from loving you, Cailin Drusus," Aspar told her sadly, "but if you feel you must leave me, then I will not stand in your way." He wanted to plead with her to stay with him. He wanted to tell her that she was no liability to him; or if it was so, then he would take his chances with his enemies if it meant having her by his side. Instead he said, "You must take Nellwyn with you. Britain is her home, too, and I would not know what to do with her if you left her behind. She would be but a constant reminder of you."

"Yes, I will take Nellwyn."

"I will send word to Zeno to pack your belongings and send them here with the girl. Unless you would like to return to Villa Mare, and oversee this business yourself, my love."

"I can take nothing from you, my lord," Cailin said. "Under the circumstances, it would not be right."

"Do not be a little fool," the practical Casia snapped at her friend. "You need clothing, Cailin! I will go to Villa Mare and pack the garments that will best serve you. It is true that you will not need the more glorious clothing you possess, but you should take a warm cloak, some simple stolas, camisas, and slippers, for you will do a great deal of walking, I suspect, before you get home to your Britain."

Jovian, silent through all of this, now spoke up. "Phocas and I own a small trading vessel that is leaving for Massilia on the afternoon tide. It will not be luxurious, but it will get you to Gaul in just a few weeks. I can arrange passage for you, if you wish it."

"I think that would be an excellent idea," Aspar said. Best to get this over with quickly, he thought. "Do not forget her jewelry, Casia."

"No!" Cailin cried, stricken. "I cannot take it."

"Indeed, it would be dangerous to carry such valuables," Wulf said.

"You will need it to help you start over in Britain, Wulf Ironfist," Aspar said, addressing him for the first time. "Money may not buy happiness as we know it, but it buys a great deal of other things, including cattle and loyalty. Cailin and Nellwyn can sew the jewelry into your cloaks for safekeeping. I will see that you have coin as well."

"My lord…" Wulf did not know what to say.

"I want her taken care of, Saxon," Flavius Aspar said harshly. "Do you understand me? She is never to want for anything!"

Wulf nodded, and wondered if Cailin had chosen Aspar over him, would he have been so gallant. He wasn't certain.

Jovian left them to go arrange passage for the trio of travelers. The trading vessel upon which they would travel occasionally took passengers. It had one tiny wooden shed of a cabin upon the deck, which the captain and his mate shared unless there was a paying passenger along. When that happened, the captain and his mate slept in hammocks upon the open deck. The ship would never travel out of sight of land for too long. It was not large enough for an adequate water supply.

Jovian had six barrels of fresh water brought aboard and stored for Cailin and her party. He saw that there was a goat for milk, a pen full of chickens, several boxes of bread, four cheeses, and fruit. The vessel was to carry bolts of cloth woven in Constantinople to Gaul. There were also some expensive luxuries hidden among the cloth in order to escape the custom agent's eyes, although he was well bribed to overlook such infractions of the law.

Casia met them at the boat. She had not only packed the necessary clothing for her friend, but a comb, a pair of boots, and the jewelry as well. Nellwyn was astounded by the turn of events, but excited to actually be returning to Britain. Casia had explained everything to her. Her eyes widened at the sight of Wulf Ironfist.

Wulf's possessions were few and had been easily gathered together. The other gladiators were still sleeping, and would probably not miss the Saxon until the following day, when he did not appear for his match.

"It will be a great disappointment to the populace to find that the great unbeaten champion has disappeared," Jovian noted. "We must see that they hold Gabras responsible. They may riot against him. Perhaps even burn his palace down. Ahh, the possibilities are simply endless. Casia, my dear, I do not think I would go to the games tomorrow."

"I would have only gone to see the Saxon," Casia said with a small smile. Then turning to Cailin, she hugged her. "I will miss your honesty. Go with the gods, dear friend. When the winter winds curse this city, I will think of you back home in your beloved Britain. I still think it a savage place, and you a madwoman to go!" She sniffed audibly.

"And I will miss your irreverent ways," Cailin said softly. "We will not be back to Britain by winter, though. Perhaps in the springtime. Farewell, dear Casia. May the gods favor you always." She turned to Aspar, who stood silently.

Taking his hand, she raised it to her lips and kissed it. "If you regret one moment, I shall never forgive you, Flavius Aspar. Our love is real, and it is true; but the fates have governed that we go in separate directions. I will never forget you, my dear lord."

"The memory of you will have to suffice me," he replied quietly. "I will never forget you, Cailin Drusus. You taught me how to love, and for that I am not certain that I can forgive you. Perhaps it is better not to know how to love than to ache with the loss of it. God go with you, my precious love," he finished, and he tenderly kissed her lips, bringing tears to her eyes.

"Damn you, Aspar," she whispered.

"I was born beneath the sign of the Scorpion, my love. I sting when I am hurt. Now get aboard before I decide I cannot be noble."

The ship sailed out of the walled Phosphorion Harbor, around the point of the city, past the imperial palace. The day was bright, and the water sparkled as they passed the Marble Tower that marked the end of the city's walls. Their vessel skimmed the waves, the fresh breeze sending it onward.

Wulf Ironfist put a hard arm about Cailin and drew her close to him. "I hope that neither of us regrets the bargain between us."

"I do not think so," she told him, and as their ship swept past Villa Mare, she whispered a silent, final good-bye to Flavius Aspar. He would survive, and so would she. She was becoming good at survival, she thought, and then she turned her face to the ship's bow. The wind caught at her long auburn curls and blew them about as she looked west. For the first time in months she knew who she was. She was Cailin Drusus, a Briton, descendant of a Roman tribune and a host of Celtic ancestors, and she was going home. Home to Britain!

It took forty days to sail from Byzantium to the city of Massilia in Gaul. The trading vessel exited through the Hellespont and crossed the Mare Thracium past mighty Mount Athos, and on into the Aegean Sea, wending its way along the Greek coast past Delos and the Cyclades. As they reached Meth-one, the captain came to Cailin and Wulf and said, "Master Jovian wanted you to have this choice. I can either sail north along the Greek coast, and then cross over to Italia at the narrowest point separating the two, or we can sail straight across the Ionian Sea to Sicilia in half the time. The weather is good, and will continue to hold, but we would be out of sight of land for several days. Storms are known to arise suddenly, and you are not sailors; but even should a storm come up, I will get you safely to Massilia." He smiled, explaining, "I get a percentage of the cargo profits."

"Sail straight for Sicilia," Wulf said, making the decision for them. "We are anxious to reach Britain before spring."

For almost seven days they did not see land, but finally the toe of Italia's boot and Sicilia with its rugged mountains rose up on their horizon to their right and left. The ship negotiated the Straits of Messina in the Tyrrhenian Sea. They stopped several times to refill their water barrels, but the ship's captain preferred to anchor along deserted stretches of coast to avoid paying port taxes when all he needed was water.

"The customs men are all thieves. They always claim to have found contraband upon your vessel, particularly if you are just passing through. Then they confiscate the cargo. It's just plain stealing!" he finished indignantly.

They cruised along Italia's coast past Tempsa, Neapolis, Ostia, Pisae, and Genna. At last they had almost reached their destination, and Cailin was vastly relieved. She wanted a bath, and there were certain to be public baths in Massilia.

On their first day aboard she had gone through the clothing that Casia had packed for her, and to her surprise found two small bags of coins. One held twenty gold solidi, and the other was crammed with copper folles. She showed Wulf, and he nodded silently.

"There is a loose board beneath my pallet," she told him softly. "I will hide our hoard beneath it, but there must always be someone in the cabin so that we are not robbed. This, and my jewelry, is all we have to make our way with once we arrive at Massilia, and when we reach home we may need what remains to start again. I trust the captain, but the two mates are another thing. I do not like the way they eye Nellwyn."