I think he's scared, because he wants to go home to his own apartment at night. He really doesn't want to spend the night at my place if he can help it.

Does he want you to go with him? Is it territorial?

No. Allegra shook her head slowly. He says he needs his own space. Once he told me that when we wake up together in the morning, it makes him feel married. And that wasn't a good experience for him, so he doesn't want it again.

He has to work that out, or else be alone for the rest of his life. It's his choice to make. But his choices will affect your life with him, Allegra.

I know that. But I don't want to rush him.

Two years is not a rush, Dr. Green said, looking disapproving. It's time for him to make some changes. Unless you're happy with the status quo, she said, always giving Allegra options. If this is what you want, then we have no complaints, do we? Is it?

I don't know; I don't think so, Allegra said, looking nervous. I'd like more. I don't like it when he withdraws to his own world. Or even when he goes to San Francisco without me. And then she admitted something that made her feel stupid. I worry about his ex-wife sometimes, that she'll get him back. She's still very dependent on him. I think that's all part of what makes him shy away from commitment.

Well, he'd better get his act together one of these days, don't you think so, Allegra?

I guess so, she said cautiously. But I don't think it would be right to give him ultimatums.

Why not? Dr. Green asked bravely.

He wouldn't like it.

And? She pushed harder, just as she wanted Allegra to push Brandon.

He might end the relationship if I push him too hard.

And what would that do? Dr. Green asked her.

I don't know, Allegra said, looking frightened. She was a strong woman, and yet she never was strong enough with Brandon, just as she hadn't been with the two men before him. She was afraid to be, which was why she still saw Dr. Green after nearly four years now.

If the relationship ended, it might free you up to meet someone who would be more willing to make a commitment. Would that be so terrible?

Probably not. Allegra smiled anxiously. But pretty scary.

Sure. But you'd get over it. Sitting here waiting forever for Brandon to unlock the pearly gates may do you a lot more harm than a little fear over meeting someone more open to loving you, Allegra. It's something to think about, isn't it? she asked, boring into Allegra's eyes with her own, and then, with her usual warm smile, the session was over.

In some ways, it was like going to a Gypsy fortune-teller. As she left, Allegra tried to run through in her mind everything she'd said, and there were always things she remembered, and others that she tried desperately to recall but had forgotten. But on the whole, the sessions did her good, and they had done a lot of work together over the years about her penchant for finding men who were unable, or unwilling, to love her. It was an old, old pattern in her life, and one she didn't like to think about, or even talk about. She hoped that, after all this time, she was improving.

She went back to her office after that, tied up some loose ends, and her last meeting of the day was with Malachi O'Donovan, a new client. He was a friend of Bram Morrison's, her vastly successful rock star client, and this one was less so, but also very important. He was from Liverpool originally, but had long since become a citizen by marrying an American woman. His wife's name was Rainbow, and they had two children, named Swallow and Bird. Allegra was used to it. Very little that was done or said in the rock world surprised her.

O'Donovan had a checkered history of arrests and drugs, a couple of assaults, and some messy lawsuits. He had spent a little time in jail over the years, and a lot of time with lawyers, and he seemed very intrigued with Allegra. He responded to her sexually at first, but when she ignored it, and purposefully stuck to business with him, eventually he settled down, and they had a very interesting conversation. And she thought she could help him with some of his legal problems, most of which were stemming from a world tour he was trying to organize, but he was drowning in red tape and legal issues.

We'll see what we can do, Mai. I'll be in touch, after I get some of your files from your current attorney.

Don't bother with my last lawyer, he told her with a shrug as he left. He's an asshole, he said in a rich brogue.

We need his records anyway. She smiled at him warmly. I'll call you as soon as I know something.

He liked her very much. Morrison hadn't steered him wrong. She was smart, and got straight to the point with no bullshit. He liked that. You call me anytime you like, luv, he said softly as Rainbow went ahead to the elevator, and Allegra pretended not to hear him, and went back to close up her office.

In the end, she went home late herself that night. She read some files, and checked over some more of Bram's contracts. And Carmen had just had a very interesting offer to do a film that could be very important for her. It was challenging work, and Allegra loved it.

She was in good spirits when she got home, and it was only then that she realized she hadn't heard from Brandon all day, and she wondered if he had been irritated with her pressing him about the Golden Globe Awards that morning.

She called him at the office around nine o'clock, and he sounded pleased to hear from her. He told her he'd been working nonstop for the past thirteen hours, and he'd been just about to call her.

Did you eat? she asked solicitously, sorry that she'd gotten angry at him. And then she remembered what Dr. Green had said to her. She had a right to expect more than he was willing, or perhaps even able, to give her.

They bring us sandwiches every few hours. Half the time, we forget to eat them.

You should go home and get some sleep at a decent hour, she reminded him, wishing he would come to her house. But this time she didn't ask him, and he didn't suggest it. And then he felt the pull to go back to work and his colleagues.

I'll call you tomorrow before I leave for San Francisco.

I'll be at my parents'. I'm going to go straight from the office.

Maybe I won't call then, he said simply, and she wanted to scream. Why did he shy away from everything she cared about, especially her family? It was all about his phobia about commitment. I'll call you after I get there. I'll call you at your house.

Whatever you like, she said calmly, glad that she had had the opportunity to review it with Jane Green. It always made it seem so much simpler and clearer, and less dramatic. It was so simple really. He wasn't able to reach out to her and love her openly and freely. But would he ever? She wanted to marry him, if he could ever get himself divorced and relaxed enough to let himself really love her. She thought he did, in his own way, but it was also obvious that he was severely hampered by his memories of what had happened to him with Joanie.

Did you work things out for the Golden Globes? he asked her suddenly, and she was surprised he'd brought it up at all, it was such a sore subject.

Yes, it's fine, she said, dismissing it, not wanting to admit to him that she was still upset about it. I'm going with Alan.

Carr? He sounded shocked. He had expected her to go alone, with her parents.

I thought you'd just go with your brother and your parents, or something like that.

She smiled at his na+»vet+¬. The Golden Globe Awards was one of the most sophisticated events of the year, it was not the kind of place she would have wanted to go with her twenty-year-old brother. I'm a little old for that, you know. Alan's fine about it though. He'll make me laugh all night and say rude things about all the big stars, but they all know him and love him.

I didn't expect you to fill my shoes quite so handsomely, he said, sounding both peeved and jealous, and she laughed. Maybe it was good for him.

I'd rather be with you than Alan any day, she said honestly.

Just remember that, he smiled. That's one hell of a compliment, Allie. I've never thought of myself in the same league with Alan Carr.

Well, don't let it go to your head, she teased, and they talked for a few minutes and then hung up, but he never suggested spending the night with her, and she felt depressed again as she lay in bed and thought about it. She was twenty-nine years old, with a boyfriend who preferred sleeping alone in his own bed to being with her, at least some of the time, if not most, and who had ditched her for an event that was important to her, in order to be with his ex-wife and two daughters. No matter how you turned it around, or dressed it up, it still hurt her feelings. And it left her feeling lonely. He was oddly withdrawn in his own way, and no matter what her needs, he always did what he wanted.

You deserve better than that. She heard Dr. Green's voice ringing in her ears that night as she fell asleep, and she couldn't remember if she'd actually said those words or if that was the gist of what she'd intended. But as she drifted off to sleep, Allegra could see the therapist's intense brown eyes staring at her, and reinforcing the message. I deserve better than that, she whispered to herself ‘ better than that ‘ but what did that mean? And then, suddenly, all she could see was Alan ‘ laughing ‘ but was he laughing at her? Or at Brandon?

Chapter 3

The Steinberg home in Bel Air was one of the prettiest in the area, and it was large and comfortable, but it was by no means palatial. Blaire had decorated it herself years before when they moved in just after Scott was born, and she was good about recovering things and redoing rooms to keep them fresh and neat and current. The children teased her about their home being a constant work in progress.