How could you not even suspect? Isn't it moving or something? Does it show? She glanced at her, but she was rail thin and wore baggy clothes, so Allegra could see nothing.
I sort of thought I was just gaining weight, and I've had this enormous appetite. And then she looked even more miserable. It didn't move till last week. And then I felt it. I thought maybe I had cancer and it was exploding inside me or something. The poor kid had no idea. There they were in the civilized world, in one of the most sophisticated cities in the country, and poor Sam thought she had a tumor. Talk about denial. Allegra felt desperately sorry for her, but the problem was so complicated now, it really required some serious thinking.
You'll have to give it up, I guess. Sam just stared at her, numb. She couldn't even conceive what the it was. They had offered to show it to her on a sonogram, and she had refused to see it. She didn't want to know its sex, or know anything about it. She didn't want it to be there.
What am I going to do, Al? I'll have to run away if I don't tell Mom and Dad soon. That was a frightening thought. The whole situation was a disaster.
You can't do that.
I don't know what else to do. I thought of running away all last week, but I wanted to talk to you first. The very thought of it made her shudder.
We have to tell Mom. If she really has a fit, or they throw you out or something, you can come and stay with me till you have it. She looked up at Sam again then. When is it due? This was beyond awful. And this wasn't Carmen. It was her seventeen-year-old sister.
In August. Al ‘ will you help me tell them? Allegra nodded and the two sisters held hands across the table. And a few minutes later, Allegra noticed two women with buzz cuts smiling at them approvingly. They thought she and Sam were lovers. It was the only thing that had happened so far that actually made her smile, and she mentioned it to Sam as she paid the check finally. It had been some lunch. She had acute indigestion.
When do you want to tell them?
Never, she said honestly. But I guess I'd better tell them soon, before it starts to show or anything. Mom has looked at me funny a couple of times when I took too many helpings of breakfast. But she's been so busy with the show, and the backyard, and you and everything, I don't think she's really noticed. And Dad doesn't have a clue. He still thinks I'm five years old and should be wearing pigtails. But they both loved that about him. In spite of being worldly-wise in so many ways, there was an innocence about him that really touched them. He believed the best of all of them, and of most of the people he knew. He rarely said anything unkind about anyone. And Sam knew this was going to break his heart. She would have done anything not to tell him, but she knew she couldn't.
I'll come over tomorrow, and we'll talk to them, Allegra said, as though they were going to the guillotine together. But then what? What was she going to do with it? That was the real question. What do you want to do, Sam? Do you want to give it up? Keep it? She had to ask her those questions. The baby was only four months away and she had to face it, but she couldn't.
Every time I think about it, it just scares me too much. I just want it to go away, and be like it never happened.
That's not going to happen, her older sister informed her, but as for the rest, Sam wasn't up to making any decisions.
They went for a walk after they left the restaurant, but they didn't go into any of the shops. Neither of them were in the mood. And eventually, Allegra took her home again. She gave her a big hug, and told her to try to stay calm until the following afternoon, and then they'd all deal with it together.
And no bullshit about running away, you hear! she said pointedly. You can't run away from things like this. We'll face it together.
Thanks, Al, she said, and really meant it. Her whole body seemed to sag as Allegra watched her walk into the house, but at least nothing showed yet. But Allegra could only begin to imagine her parents' reaction. The next afternoon was not going to be easy. No matter how understanding they were, it was still going to be a terrible blow to them. And it was the kind of problem that could have no happy resolution. If she gave it up, she'd probably regret it to some degree all her life, or at least think of it with pain from time to time, and if she kept it, it could change her life, in a negative way, forever. In fact, Allegra couldn't see any positives to it at all. In Sam's circumstances, it was nothing short of a disaster.
It was so odd to think that to Carmen it was a great joy, and to her, it might have been too, and Jeff was even talking about wanting a baby fairly soon, and yet in someone else's life the same circumstance was a tragedy instead of a blessing. It was all so confusing.
She drove back to Malibu feeling acutely depressed, and she was still sitting on the beach with her arms around her knees when Jeff got home two hours later. His lunch with his coproducer had gone much longer than anticipated. They had so many things to discuss about the movie. But he could tell just from looking at her, when he stepped out on the deck and saw her, that something hadn't gone well that afternoon. She looked completely withdrawn and as though she were in her own private world. He wondered if she had called her father.
Hi, there, he said, as he sat down on the beach next to her, and she turned her head toward him but didn't answer. Did you and Sam have a run-in today? he asked, stroking her long blond hair with gentle fingers.
No, she said, smiling sadly at him. He was so good to her, and in his own way, so like Simon. It was so odd that for so many years she had had to fight the demons in her soul, and now she had finally put them to rest, and she was free to love someone like him.
You don't look too happy. Bad news of some kind?
She nodded, and looked out at the ocean.
Can I help? She knew that Sam probably wouldn't have wanted her to tell Jeff yet, but it wasn't going to be a secret for long, not if she was due in August.
I'm not sure anyone can. She looked him in the eye. Sam is five months' pregnant.
Oh, shit, he said succinctly. Who's the father? He didn't think she had a boyfriend.
The father is some thirty-year-old Frenchman with no last name, who passed through here five months ago apparently on his way to Tokyo. The agency has no record of him, and neither does Sam. He just came to town, took some pictures of her, and left her with a baby.
Great. Can she still have an abortion at five months, or does she even want one?
No to either one. It's too late, and she doesn't want one anyway. We're going to tell my parents tomorrow.
Will she keep it?
I don't know. I think she's too shell-shocked to work any of it out just now. But I don't think she should keep it. She's too young, and it'll ruin her life. But I don't have a right to tell her what to do. This is a major life decision.
It sure is, he said, in awe of what was facing all of them. If there's anything I can do to help ‘ he said, feeling useless. There was nothing any of them could do now except support her through it.
I told her that if she has a total blowout with Mom and Dad, she can come and live with me. I could move back to my house for four months, she said, looking depressed over that too, but it was the least she could do for her sister.
She can stay here with us, Jeff said quickly. I'll be working on the set all the time pretty soon anyway. I could give her my office as a bedroom.
You're a nice man, she said, and meant it, as she kissed him.
They went for a long walk on the beach after that, and talked late into the night. And the next day, after work, she drove to her parents' house, as she had promised. It was just after five and she and Sam waited for them to come home from work. They were both usually home by six-thirty. The two girls were sitting nervously in the living room when Blaire and Simon walked in within five minutes of each other. They both seemed to be in a good mood, and they were pleased and surprised to see Allegra. But as soon as Blaire saw the way her daughters looked at them, she knew that something had happened, and her heart started pounding. It was Scott. Something had happened to him. She was sure of it they had called Allegra instead and her eyes went straight to her older daughter.
What's wrong? Allegra knew immediately what she was thinking, and she was quick to reassure her.
Nothing, Mom. No one's hurt, everyone's fine, we just want to talk to you.
Oh, God. Blaire sank into a chair, as Simon looked worriedly at all of them. Even he sensed that something serious was in the air, and he was much less of a worrier than Blaire was. I thought Scott had gotten hurt, Blaire confessed, thinking of Paddy. It's something about the wedding, isn't it? she said. Allegra had on that purposeful look she got when something was important to her. She was probably going to demand they cut the numbers back again, but Blaire didn't have the strength to argue with her. What is it?
I need to talk to you, Mom. Sam spoke up with a quavering voice. And her father looked at her with narrowed eyes. She had never looked, or sounded, quite like that.
Is something wrong? he asked, as they all sat down.
Kind of, Sam admitted, and there was a long silence, and then, as her eyes filled with tears, she looked at Allegra. She just couldn't do it.
Do you want me to tell them, Sam? Allegra asked in an undervoice, and her younger sister nodded. And Allegra looked at her parents then, and told them the hardest thing she knew she'd ever have to say. But it was better to get it over with, and get it out in the open. Sam is five months' pregnant, she said very calmly, and Blaire went so pale that Allegra thought her mother might faint. But Simon looked no better.
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