"You should have been relieved that I released you from having to do the honorable thing," Jessica said.
"Relieved?" He laughed. "But it does not matter how I felt or feel, does it? That is not the question here. The point is, Jess, that you are running away from a situation that does not exist. And you belong back there. You belong with your grandfather, stubborn and wrongheaded as he can be. You need to marry and have a family with someone of your own class. Not this, Jess. Oh, not this shapeless gray dress, dear, and the severe hairstyle. And not the demure look, eyes cast down, that I saw at the Barries'. Not that, Jess. Please."
"Life was tranquil until just a couple of months ago," Jessica said. "It is only since that it has been full of feelings that have torn me apart. I have not been happy. And there is nothing to go back to. Only emptiness and heartache." She had laid her forehead against the bedpost and closed her eyes. "I want to be at peace again. I must go on."
She was aware of him throwing his greatcoat impatiently onto the mattress. He strode around the bed toward her but stopped a short distance away.
"I have promised not to touch you," he said. "Don't be so unhappy, Jess. Can you not see that I have been responsible for all your misery? I insulted you and harassed you when I first knew you, and I have pestered you with unwelcome attentions and with offers that you did not want. And the last one was unforgivable because I enlisted the help of a man whose wishes I thought you could not resist and used arguments that I thought would crumble all your resistance. Wherever you have turned, you have found me. And I now know that you have not wanted me in your life at all."
Jessica put one hand between her forehead and the bedpost so that he would not see her face.
"I am sorry," he said gently. "Love can make one very selfish and very blind. In my love for you, I was unconscious of the misery I was causing you. But the point is, dear, that it is a matter that can be put right. Once I have escorted you back to London-and I shall hire a carriage for you, Jess; I wil not ride with you- then I shall leave as I promised you last evening. And I shall not renege on my promise to leave the country in the spring and stay away for a few years. You will be happy once I am gone, Jess. I promise you will."
She was crying into her hand. But she could not move or say a word without betraying the fact to him.
"Would you prefer that I left now and sent someone else to accompany you tomorrow?" he asked. "Aubrey would come, or Godfrey, I know. Or would you prefer me to ask someone not connected with my family at all? Just promise me that you will stay here and not run away while I am gone."
Jessica was concentrating all her energies on not allowing a sob to escape her.
"Jess," he said suddenly. He sounded closer, though he still did not touch her. "You are not crying, are you?"
She felt a light, hesitant hand on her hair when she still did not answer.
"Don't cry," he said. "Please don't cry, dear. I can't bear to see how miserable I have made you. Please, Jess."
She turned away from him and reached for a handkerchief in her pocket. She scrubbed at her eyes and blew her nose.
"You must not blame yourself," she said. "You have not been entirely the villain of this piece, you know."
"You will come back?" he asked.
She stared down at her hands, her back toward him, for a long moment. "Yes," she said, "I will come back."
He did not move. "With me?" he asked. "Or shall I send someone else?"
"With you," she said.
"Thank you." The tension had gone from his voice. "Thank you for trusting me, Jess. You have made the right decision, you will see. You will be happy once I am gone. For tonight I will not risk scandal. There is another inn two miles farther north. I shall stay there for the night and return for you in the morning. I shall hire a carriage for you. All you have to do is wait here. You will wait, Jess?" There was a note of anxiety in his voice again.
"No." She shook her head and turned to face him. "Don't leave."
"There is no room left here," he said. "I should have to sleep in the taproom. Not that that would matter. But we must not stay at the same inn. Tattlemongers might make something of that if word were to get out."
"There is a room," she said. "Here. I want you to stay here."
"What are you saying?" He watched her intently, a frown between his eyes.
She swallowed and flushed. "Do you still want me?" she asked. "You used to want me. I am offering myself to you."
He did not move or change his expression. "I have not asked for anything, Jess," he said. "I have made no demands on you. I have come so that I might take you where you belong and set you free. I want you to be free, dear. You owe me nothing."
"Am I free to offer myself to you?" she asked. Her flush had deepened. Her hands twisted nervously against the sides of her woolen dress. "I do not feel constrained. I make the offer because I wish to do so."
"Jess?" He frowned and gazed at her uncertainly.
She took a deep breath and let it out raggedly. Then she stepped forward, laid a trembling hand against his coat, and lifted the other hand to join it. She unbuttoned the coat and then proceeded to do the same with his waistcoat. She spread her hands over the silk of his shirt and looked up into his eyes.
He had not moved, but he looked down at her in wonder.
"Don't you want me?" she asked, her eyes slipping from his.
"Don't I want you!" He caught her to him suddenly in a bruising hug and rocked her from side to side. "But I don't understand, Jess. I don't understand."
She raised her head from its position against his shoulder and found his eyes with hers once more. "Make love to me," she whispered. "Make love to me, my lord."
She gasped at first under the fierce onslaught of his kiss. His mouth covered hers hungrily and his tongue invaded its warm depths. But her passion matched his almost immediately. She put her arms up around his neck, arched her body against his, and gave herself. There would be no holding back this time, no last-second pangs of conscience. This time she was his for the taking, no matter what happened afterward. This time she offered the gift of herself in love and gratitude for the precious and selfless gift he had just given her: her freedom.
It did not matter that she no longer wanted that freedom. It was unimportant that she wanted nothing more than to be a prisoner of his love for the rest of her life. It mattered only that he had said that he loved her but had come to set her free. She would give him the most precious gift she possessed in return, and she would demand nothing, no security in advance.
His embrace soon gentled. And he was making love to her indeed, with sensitive, knowing hands, with warm lips and tongue, with murmured words whose sense was felt rather than heard, and with the firm touch of his body. And she touched him in return, kissed him, crooned words of love and desire.
"Come to bed," he said against her mouth eventually. "Come to bed with me, love, and let me unclothe you. Jess. Jess, my love, it will be good for you. I swear it will be good for you."
"Yes," she whispered. "Oh, yes."
And it would be good. She let him pull back the bedclothes from the bed and lay her down. And she lay still as he undressed her with expert ease. She watched him through half-closed lashes, his face flushed, his hair even more rumpled than it had been when he came in. She was glad that the candle had not yet quite burned itself out.
And oh, yes, it would be good for her. Her body hummed with desire for him. And with impatience as his hands left her naked body in order to remove his own clothes. It would be good. She would feel pain. In a few minutes' time he would hurt her, according to all accounts. But it would be a welcome pain. She was eager for it. She wanted the moment of becoming his to be very memorable. She wanted it to hurt and hurt so that she would know her gift worthy of her need to give.
But there was no more time for thought. He came to her then, and his hands and his mouth began to work their slow, erotic magic again. And she took fire, reaching to take him closer and closer, arching to give more and more of herself. And she was gasping, moaning with the need and the frustration of being unable to give or take any more.
"Jess." He was speaking against her mouth, his hands in her hair. "Now, my love. Now. It will be good. I shall try not to hurt you."
But she did not shrink from the fear of the unknown. She opened eagerly and fully to his body as it moved across to cover hers, and tilted her pelvis so that his hands could come beneath her.
And then she was gasping against his mouth, clawing at his shoulders, tense with shock and pain and wonder. And finally, when his inward movement had stopped, she relaxed against him and smiled against his mouth with sheer joy.
"Beautiful. Oh, beautiful, Jess."
His voice was deep with passion. He buried his face against her hair. And then she began to lose herself in unimagined ecstasy as he started to move in her. Oh, totally unimagined. No need now to wonder at her earlier frustration. Of course she had not been able to give as she had wanted. Of course she had not felt quite satisfied with what he had given her.
It was this. Only this. This total and intimate giving and taking of lovers. She knew no anxiety even though satisfaction did not come immediately but only rather an unbearable ache. He would make it good for her. And finally she knew the way to give herself completely. She held herself open and relaxed for her lover and held no part of herself from him.
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