‘That’s vermin,’ Jude said, and raised his foot just as Lizzie struck.

There was a flash of purple light, a lot more purple smoke than Mare had ever seen before, and then Crash was back, tall and broad and choking and waving his hands through the violet smog.

‘What the fuck happened to me?’ he said.

Mare threw her arms around him and kissed him and then kissed him again. ‘I love you, I really love you, and I will marry you and go to Tuscany because those five minutes you were a frog were the worst five minutes of my life.’

‘They weren’t great for me, either,’ Crash said, holding her close, still sounding annoyed but not as much as before. ‘Hello, Lizzie.’

‘Hello, Crash,’ Lizzie said, but she was looking at the floor.

Mare looked back at her, clutching Crash. ‘What? What’s wrong? He’s okay, isn’t he? There wasn’t any damage?’ She began patting him all over. ‘He’s okay, he feels okay, tell me he’s okay. Baby, are you okay?’

‘Okay?’ Crash said, still holding on to her. ‘I was a fucking frog. Are you going tell me how that happened?’

‘I think Jude…’ Mare’s voice trailed off as she looked around. ‘The little weasel ran for it.’

‘Not a weasel.’ Lizzie nodded to the floor.

A frog sat there, looking stunned.

‘Jude?’ Mare said.

Lizzie shrugged. ‘He was there and then he wasn’t. I’m guessing that’s Jude.’

‘You turned him into a frog?’ Mare thought for a second. ‘Yeah, that’s fair.’

‘No,’ Lizzie said. ‘That was a restoration spell. He got into the line of fire when he tried to step on Crash. You know, he was the guy who tried to take my amethyst, and when I hit him the last time and he turned into a frog, I thought it was strange. I mean, why not a bunny? Or a ferret? Generally I don’t do frogs, but-’

‘What?’ Crash said, looking around. ‘Somebody tried to step on me?’

Mare looked at the frog again. ‘Restoration? He started out as a frog? Then how did he get to be a vice president at Value Video!!? Although that’s not as farfetched as you’d think.’

‘Xan,’ Lizzie said. ‘She sent us all our soul mates.’

‘And she thought mine was a frog?’ Mare raged.

‘Maybe she misunderstood,’ Lizzie said. ‘She did find him in Italy. Maybe Crash moved too fast, and she scooped up Jude instead, and then tried to make him… more attractive.’ She shrugged. ‘She chose a hot movie star. She tried.’

‘She thought my true love was a frog? If I ever get my hands on that bitch-’ Mare stopped, as the rest of what Lizzie was saying hit. ‘Wait. She cast the spell and scooped up Jude because Crash moved too fast.’ She shook her head. ‘I’ve been stupid. That means she brought Crash, too. She caught him with the spell, too.’

‘Probably,’ Lizzie said. ‘She just didn’t realize it because only the edge of the spell caught him.’ She smiled at Crash. ‘It’s nice seeing you again, Christopher. I’ve always liked you best of all of Mare’s… friends.’

‘Thanks,’ Crash said, confused. ‘I’ve always liked you best of all of Mare’s sisters. What’s going on?’

Mare let go of him.

‘What?’ Crash said, holding on to her. ‘Don’t look like that.’

Mare smiled at him, miserable. ‘Remember in the diner when you couldn’t tell me why you’d come back. It was because of Xan.’

‘No,’ Crash said. ‘I told you, I never met your aunt.’

‘I know,’ Mare said. ‘She never even knew she got you. That’s why she made Jude. But that’s why you came here, just the same. You’re not a minion. You just got caught in a spell.’

‘No,’ Crash looked confused, holding on to her. ‘I couldn’t stop thinking about you-’

‘Nobody thinks about a woman for five years without doing something about it,’ Mare said, trying to pry his fingers off her. ‘You’re back because I love you, because you’re my True Love, not because I’m yours.’

‘I never forgot you,’ Crash said. ‘I didn’t think about you every day, but I didn’t-’

‘No.’ Mare swallowed tears, determined not to cry. ‘And the second soul mate she found for me was a toad.’

‘Frog,’ Lizzie said.

‘You didn’t know him,’ Mare snapped at her, grateful for the anger.

‘This is crap,’ Crash said. ‘Could we go back to the part where somebody turned me into a frog?’

‘He’s got a point,’ Mare told Lizzie. ‘You better check Elric. For all you know, he’s a llama.’

Lizzie blinked, taken aback.

‘Elric!’ Mare yelled.

After a moment, Elric appeared behind Lizzie, looking unamused. ‘You bellowed?’

‘Do it,’ Mare snapped to Lizzie, and Lizzie turned, encircled her arms, and hit Elric with the restoration spell.

The air went purple again, there were some interesting violet sparks, and then the fog cleared and Elric was standing there, the same as before.

‘Funny,’ he said.

‘Sorry,’ Mare said. ‘I made her do it. Jude turned out to be amphibian.’ She looked at him down on the floor. ‘I’d like to feed him to Py, but it’s not his fault he’s a toad.’

‘Frog.’ Lizzie picked Jude up. ‘I’ve got the old bunny cage in here. I’ll keep him in that.’

Jude croaked, and Mare said, ‘You shut up,’ and turned back to Crash. ‘The spell will wear off soon, and you’ll be okay again, so you should probably go now.’

‘Oh, dear,’ Lizzie said, ‘don’t do anything dumb, Mare,’ and went back into her workroom, taking Jude and Elric with her and sending Mare a look of heartfelt sympathy.

Then the door closed and they were alone.

‘You’re coming with me,’ Crash said, determination chasing confusion from his face. ‘You said-’

‘Baby, you don’t want me.’ Mare tried to sound matter-of-fact, as she pulled out of his grasp and levitated him into the hall, ignoring his ‘Hey!’

‘You think you do, but you’re under a spell. If it doesn’t wear off on its own, I’ll go find Xan tomorrow and make her take it off, and you’ll be fine again.’

‘I’m fine now,’ Crash said, trying to resist as Mare floated him away from her and toward the door. ‘Or I will be if nobody else turns me into a toad and you come back to Italy with me. Why are we moving? Stop it.’

‘Frog,’ Mare said, steering him through the dining room. ‘You were a frog. And I can’t come with you. You were gotten here under false pretenses.’ She swallowed hard, knowing she only had minutes before she was going to burst into tears, the pressure increasing behind her eyes even as she blinked at him. ‘It was a true love spell, just like Jude said. Hell, just like you said, it was true love and that doesn’t happen every day, unless your girlfriend has a crazy-ass witch of an aunt who casts a spell because she’s trying to take her power. You should leave town now.’

Crash tried to stop the push toward the door by grabbing onto the woodwork around the dining room arch. He missed it by inches. ‘Wait a minute, damn it, what difference does it make how she found me?’

‘I knew I loved you,’ Mare said, guiding him toward the front door. ‘I never stopped loving you. But you left and didn’t come back for five years. If you’d loved me, you’d have been back. When the spell wears off, you won’t love me anymore again.’

He shook his head, grabbing at the doorframe as they reached the front door. ‘That’s crazy. I love you.’

‘Then why didn’t you come back for five years?’ Mare said.

‘I don’t know. I just didn’t.’

‘Bad answer,’ Mare said, and opened the front door. ‘No,’ Crash said, holding on to the doorframe. ‘Mare, I won’t-’

‘You have to.’ Mare pried his fingers off the woodwork with her mind. ‘Go. It’ll be okay, you won’t care at all tomorrow. And I don’t want to be with you when you don’t care.’ She waved good-bye, sadly, staying out of his reach. ‘Have a great life.’

‘Mare,’ he said, and she shoved him out onto the steps with magic, folding her arms across her breaking heart, and closed the door in his face.

‘And I even learned to make toast,’ she said and burst into tears.


Lizzie shoved Jude in the bunny cage, put the cover over it, and then let her sheet drop, which improved Elric’s mood considerably. Then she kissed him, which improved it even more. ‘I need to talk to my sisters,’ she said. ‘You can sleep some more.’

He sat up, leaning against the wall. ‘Let me clean up, and then I’ll face them, too.’

‘The shower is upstairs.’

‘You forget – I don’t need traditional plumbing,’ he said. And vanished, leaving Lizzie kneeling on the floor, alone. Apparently he wasn’t quite as exhausted as she’d thought.

She got Jude some water, tied the sheet tighter around her body, toga-style, and then headed out into the living room.

Dee was sitting at the table, a big splotch of bright blue paint on her cheek, a cup of tea in her hands, and a bemused, besotted expression on her face that Lizzie knew would be a perfect match to her own.

‘You have paint on your face,’ Lizzie said. ‘It looks good there.’

Dee blushed. ‘I was painting Danny’s portrait.’

Lizzie raised her eyebrows. ‘And where is Danny now?’

‘Gone,’ Dee said happily. ‘He needed to be taught a lesson. But he’ll be back.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘I’d say three hours at the most. He loves me.’

‘I take it you didn’t turn into Danny’s mother?’ Lizzie asked, closing the door behind her just in case Elric reappeared in the same condition as when he’d vanished.

Dee’s smile was both shy and extremely pleased with herself. ‘Uh… yes. Er… no. No mothers. No nothing. Just…’ She let out a happy sigh. ‘Just lovely’