I nod and then shrug. “It was my own damn fault. I told him no once, but he said it’d be okay, so I believed him and went through with it.” Tears burn at my eyes as I remember how confused I felt, how lost, how disgusting and yet at the same time loved I felt. “And it kind of felt good at first, but then when he…” I breathe out, letting the words rush out. “Well, he got really rough with me and I was too afraid to ask him to stop, too afraid I’d lose his love.” I suck back the tears, forcing myself not to show the shame I feel on the inside. Keep it trapped. “Afterward, he left me and I never saw him again. I guess his girlfriend, who I didn’t even know about, found out about me but honestly I’m pretty sure he was done with me… I could see it in his eyes when he finished fucking me that he was done.” I pause, taking a deep breath. “What made it worse was that everyone found out about it and told me that I was a slut.” I give Ethan a moment, because he looks like he’s about to freak out. “I should stop, right? This is too much.” I start to sit up, ready to go and give him some breathing room from my slutishness and depressing story.

“How old was he?” he asks through gritted teeth as he gently pushes me back down on the bed. “This guy.”

“Twenty-two,” I say and feel him cringe. “Anyway, it was a long time ago and I’m sure he’s completely forgotten about me at this point. I’m just trying to tell you why I am the way I am. I’ve spent the last six years popping pills and having sex with random guys because I seriously feel like I don’t deserve anything better.” I’m about to cry and I hate myself for it. I feel so ugly right now, but Ethan deserves to know who I am, what he’s going to get into if he chooses to be with me. “I’m fucked up, Ethan. I never feel loved, yet I always keep looking for it, hoping that somehow it really exists.”

He watches me for an eternity. “The guy who was twenty-two was fucked up. He should have never been with you, let alone tied you to a bed your first time.”

“I instigated our relationship… It wasn’t entirely his fault.”

“I don’t give a shit who instigated it. You were fourteen and didn’t know any better.”

I roll my eyes, more than anything to keep the tears from escaping, because he’s saying everything I wished my mother would have said when I told her, but instead she told me it was my fault and made me feel more like the whore everyone was telling me I was. “I didn’t put up very much of a fight when he was tying me up.”

He scoots closer, placing a hand on top of my rib cage, just below my breast. “Lila, everything about that story was wrong on the guy’s part. He was way too old to be messing around with a fourteen-year-old. It’s disturbing and wrong and illegal.”

“My mother didn’t think so,” I say, speaking more to the ceiling than to Ethan, my eyes locked on a crack running from the top of the wall to the fan in the middle. My vision is still blurred with tears, but thankfully no more are forcing their way up. “She said that she expected nothing less from me and then she handed me a pill so I wouldn’t have to feel all the guilt and shame I’d been feeling.”

He rolls to his side, putting his body above me, so his face is directly in my line of vision. “Are you being fucking serious right now?” Anger flashes in his eyes. “Your mother’s the one who got you started on those pills?”

I nod, startled by the fury in his eyes. “Sh-She thought she was making me feel better.”

“Your mother’s an idiot,” Ethan says, shaking his head. “Lila, seriously. That’s not normal at all. God, I hate this. I hate how parents are supposed to be the adults, and yet they act like children and bring their children down with them. It happens all the time and it’s ridiculous.”

I’m not sure what to do, all I know is now I’m worried he’s going to leave me because of how fucked up my family is. “I… it was my own fault for taking it.”

He shakes his head resolutely as he cups my face and grazes his thumb across my cheekbone, staring intensely into my eyes. “No, it wasn’t. None of what happened was your fault.” He stares at me for an eternity and I have no idea what he’s thinking, whether he’s going to leave me, what he’s going to say. Then he slides his hand down my shoulder, rests it on my side, and he pulls me against him as he turns, hugging me against him, our bodies pressed together. And it feels so amazing, just to be hugged, to know that someone cares about me, that he’s not going to run away and leave me.

“You deserve so much better than what you have,” he whispers against my head. “You really do.”

A few tears fall from my eyes, not just over my mother or what Sean did to me, or even how I spent the last six years of my life. I cry because Ethan’s holding on to me and for the first time in my entire life, I feel like someone wants to hold me just as much as I want to hold on to them.

Chapter Fifteen

Ethan

I would have never guessed. Looking at Lila, I’d always seen a beautiful girl, one who I thought had been spoiled most of her life. She seemed to always get what she wanted and did whatever she wanted. There were a few brief moments when I saw sadness in her eyes, but I never, ever thought it would be from something as dark as what she told me.

I hate her mother for starting her addiction to pills and I really, really fucking hate the perverted bastard who started this mess. I have a lot of hate floating around inside of me. It worries me, because my father has hate in him, too, and it nearly cracked my mom. But the moment Lila and I kissed I knew it was going to be very hard to let her go. And when we had sex, I knew I was done for. But what really did me in was when she told me her story, when I saw the pain in her eyes, the fear of being unloved and unwanted. Right then, I knew I wanted to take all that pain away from her. I think I can finally understand what Micha was always ranting about whenever I’d question his refusal to let Ella go, despite her problems. And I think that’s because I’m falling in love with Lila. Really falling in love.

There’s one thing I need to do, though, before I move forward with her. I need to see London, not to try to bring her back or hold on to her, but to say good-bye like I never did so I can finally move on. I’ve been clutching on to the idea of her for years now, over my guilt of walking away and the sheer fact that I wanted her, broke my rules for her, but never did fully understand her, no matter how hard I tried. I’m ready now, though, to say good-bye to London completely and Rae. Ready to move forward in my life instead of being stuck. And move forward with Lila.

I’m supposed to be booking a flight to San Diego for Ella and Micha’s wedding, but as I’m searching for flights I change the destination from California to Virginia. I search through the flights, feeling a lump form in my throat and it only grows when I click one of the cheaper flights.

I’m seriously going to do this. I’m going to let go.

And hopefully move on with Lila.


Lila

It’s time to say good-bye to the ring. I haven’t put it on since I took it off while laying with Ethan and I haven’t wanted to. Now I want it gone. Forever.

I decide to go to the nearest pawn shop, which is in walking distance from the apartment. I walk into the run-down brick store pretty much shaking at the idea of setting it down on the counter, not because I am afraid but because I am so excited to be letting go of it and everything that it represents.

I have my hair down, barely touching my shoulders, and a tank top and frayed shorts on. I look so much different than the girl the ring was given to, and not just because I’m older but because I’m stronger. I’m not some girl searching for love in all the wrong places. I’m a girl who found love in the right place.

I set the ring down on the glass counter, my fingers trembling, the cashier guy looks at me like I am a crack addict, but it is okay because I am getting rid of the damn ring.

“How much can you give me for this?” I ask, wiping my sweaty palm on the side of my shorts.

He picks it up and scans it over, pretending to only be half interested. Honestly, I probably would accept a dollar, even though I need the money, because it would mean the ring is gone from my life. Luckily, though, he gives me enough that I could afford part of the rent, food, and a plane ticket to San Diego.

I tuck the cash into my pocket, smiling as I head for the door. When I step out into the sunlight, my smile only broadens and it’s the realest smile I’ve ever had because finally I’m free from my past.


Ethan

I return home from work the afternoon Lila and I are supposed to be flying out to San Diego prepared to tell Lila about who London really is and that I’m going to fly to Virginia before I head to California to see her. Normally in these kinds of situations, I’d just pack up my shit and go. I’m not used to telling anyone what I’m doing, but bailing out on Lila isn’t an option. I don’t want to hurt her, and I want her to understand and be okay with it and for her to know that I want to be with her.

“Hey,” Lila says when I walk into her room, all sweaty from the heat of the desert sun beating down on me all day. She has her suitcase opened up on her bed and she’s folding clothes and putting them into it. Her hair is pulled up and she’s got a thin tank top on that hugs her curves and for a moment I just stare at her, mesmerized by how beautiful she is. “You should go shower and pack your clothes. Our flight leaves in, like, five hours.”

I walk up to the foot of the bed, watching her move back and forth. She’s gorgeous and still so sad, but the sadness disappears every time I hold her, kiss her. It’s been a long damn time since I’ve spent so much time with the same girl, or with anyone really, and it’s nice, new, and uncomfortable.