But it was a warning.

Without disturbing her I removed her boots; they were very muddy. I took her hat off, but I did not take her coat from her as I did not wish to move her until the doctor had been.

When he came the attack was over. He examined her and I gently undressed her. She was too exhausted to tell him much but I described what I had seen and he looked grave.

She was to rest, he said; he wanted her to sleep.

He came into my sitting room afterward.

“Very grave, is it, Doctor?”

He nodded.

“Angina pectoris undoubtedly. I’m glad you’re here, Nurse. That’s if you’re prepared to take on another patient.”

“I certainly am.”

“I just want you to watch her very carefully. There must be the minimum of exertion; fatigue and anxiety must be avoided, excitement too. And of course her diet must be watched. She must eat sparingly. You’ve probably nursed this sort of case before.”

“Yes, the one before Miss Brett was a heart.”

“Good. Now, there may not be another attack for weeks, months … or even longer. On the other hand she could have another within the hour. Give her a little brandy if there is any sign of another attack. I’ll send up some nitrite of amyl. You know how to use it?”

“Five drops on a handkerchief inhaled?”

He nodded. “Was she alone when this happened?”

“No. Jane Goodwin was with her. She had just come in, though.”

“Ah, she had walked too far. She must be careful in future. She should always have close at hand a piece of cotton wool soaked with nitrite of amyl. There’s a special bottle I can give you; it has a particularly tight stopper. Put the five drops on the cotton wool and the wool into the bottle; then if she feels an attack coming on and is alone she can have it all ready for use. I want her to rest for a while — and either you or Jane Goodwin will be at hand. Jane seems a sensible young woman.”

I said I was sure she was.

“All right, I’ll go and see Lady Crediton and tell her the state of affairs. She should be grateful that you’re installed in the house, Nurse.”

Lady Crediton, if not exactly grateful, because she would never be that to someone she paid, at least found it most convenient (her word) that I should be there.

“Dr. Elgin tells me that you will keep an eye on Mrs. Stretton, Senior,” she said, making it seem the lightest of duties. “I understand that she has a bad heart.” Her nose was lifted with disapproval, as though she was saying: “How typical of such a woman to have a bad heart at such a time!”

I thought she was as hard as the nails which were driven into the Company’s “ladies” (if they do drive nails in. My knowledge of shipbuilding is nonexistent). I could see her fierce and implacable; and I wondered afresh how such a woman could ever have tolerated that situation which Sir Edward had put her into. It only went to show what a man of iron he must have been. And then suddenly it occurred to me that it was the Shipping Line she loved. It was Big Business, the acquisition of money. Sir Edward and she had been partners not only in marriage but in business; and if the marriage failed her, she was determined that the business never would.


May 24th. There is that feeling in the air which suggests that we are moving toward some climax. I believe it is the house party which will begin on the first of June. Such activities there are throughout the Castle! Baines importantly struts (there’s no other word for it) around, investigating the wine cellar, instructing the maids and informing the footmen what will be expected of them. This visit of the Derringhams is going to be important. I fancy that Rex is a little uneasy. Perhaps he doesn’t relish the fair Helena Derringham. Ironical that she should be called Helena. Though Helen would have been more apt. I said something to him about the face that launched a thousand ships and he smiled a little perfunctorily, as though it were too serious a matter (or perhaps too melancholy a one) over which to joke. I gather that the matchmaking is Lady Crediton’s doing. She will expect Rex to marry where she wishes. Poor Rex! I feel this will be something of a test for him. He has met Helena at dances when she came out two years ago, and I gather he was not exactly stunned by her charms. But of course her ladyship has a controlling interest in the business. This slipped out, too. Sir Edward left everything in her hands. He must have had a great respect for her business acumen — and I’m sure he was not a man to be mistaken. I understood that it could be very uncomfortable for Rex if he did not fall in with his Mamma’s wishes. She could leave her share away from Rex if he displeased her. To the Captain? I wondered. No, that was something she would never do, I am sure. She bitterly resents Red having any shares at all; but he has a small holding; Sir Edward had left that to him and of course he would always be one of the Company’s Captains. I was surprised that Rex should confide in me. But we had a rather special friendship — rather like the one I had with young Edward, perhaps. They found me different from the people they usually met. Besides, the people at the Castle do behave rather unconventionally.


May 25th. My original patient is much better. She blossoms. It is the thought of the husband’s return rather than my nursing, I’m sure. But it’s always so with that type of patient. I have difficulty though in making her rest and keep to her diet. Oddly enough when she’s excited she wants to eat more; she goes through her wardrobe and tries on her dresses — all in gay colors. She favors a flowered robe, loose and shapeless and split almost up to the knee. She looks as Edith said disapprovingly, “foreign.” Yesterday afternoon she flew into a temper because she couldn’t find the sash she wanted. I thought she was going to have an attack — but we avoided that. My other patient is much more sick and I have been spending a great deal of time with her. Jane welcomes me because I think she feels I know how to treat her mistress. I asked Valerie Stretton yesterday if she had walked very far on the day she had had the attack.

“Yes, quite far,” she said cautiously.

“Farther than usual?”

“Yes, much farther.”

“You usually walk in the grounds, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do, but …”

She was plucking at the bed coverlet and I thought I had better change the subject because this was exciting her too much. But was it merely fatigue, I asked myself, which had brought on the attack or was it due to some anxiety?

I discovered that she had had vague warnings before in the form of slight pains in the arms and chest. They had passed within a few minutes though and she had thought of them vaguely as some sort of rheumatism.

I said: “The thing is to avoid too much exercise. You must never overtire yourself. But I think anxiety would probably be more dangerous than anything else.”

Again that look of fear.

When I left her it was with the certainty that she had something on her mind. I wondered what, and being myself I knew I should not be happy until I found out.


June 6th. I have not had time to write in my journal for nearly a fortnight, and that is not surprising. Such excitement we have had in the Castle and it is due of course to the Derringhams’ visit. They arrived on the 1st — a lovely summer’s day and the roses were looking quite magnificent. The gardeners had been in a fever of excitement and the lawns and the flower beds were certainly at their best. The scent of pinks filled the air and the fountain-lawn marques had been set up for the garden party which was to be the first what Edith would call “to-do.” I was longing for a glimpse of the fair Helena and when I saw her I knew why Rex was melancholy. I am sure she was a young woman who was full of virtues, but she was not exactly an attractive one. She was awkward, with large hands and feet, and walked like a woman who spends a great deal of time in the saddle — which I’m sure she did. In fact her face was rather the shape of a horse’s; her laughter had an equine quality too; she neighed, one might say. She talked in a loud and piercing voice; she was a character. I wondered whether Lady Crediton had looked rather like her in her youth and then it occurred to me that Sir Edward might have felt the same reluctance as I was sure Rex was feeling now. But Sir Edward would do his duty. And there was no doubt that Lady Crediton heartily approved of Miss Derringham. How could she help it when she considered the Derringham million or so — and Sir Henry had no son. Moreover he doted on his daughter. I was glad that some people admired her for I had a notion that Rex was not being the attentive squire his mother and Helena’s father expected him to be.

I was at the window watching the guests on the lawn. It was a perfect day. Even the weather had to toe the line for Lady Crediton, it seemed. The grass was even more soft and velvety than usual, and the colored dresses, the big shady hats and parasols made an enchanting picture accentuated by the dark clothes of the men. I longed to be down there among them. I pictured the dress I should wear — green as the grass and my hair should be piled high. Perhaps I would have a froth of flowers and veiling on it but nothing more, and a parasol that was a mass of green and white frills like the one I most admired down there. If I had the clothes I would go down and mingle with the guests and I would be as beautiful and amusing as any of them — and no one would know that I was merely the nurse.

“Stop it, Cinderella Loman,” I said to myself. “It’s no use your looking round for a fairy godmother with a magic wand and pumpkin. You ought to have learned by now that you have to be your own fairy godmother.”