Sophie Kinsella - The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic

Many thanks to Patrick PlonkingtonSmythe, Linda Evans and the Transworld team, Celia Hayley, Mark Lucas and all at LAW, Nicki Kennedy and Jessica Buckman, Valerie Hoskins and Rebecca Watson, and Brian Siberell at CAA. Special thanks to Samantha Wickham, Sarah Manser, Paul Watts, Chantal Rutherford-Brown, my wonderful family and especially Gemma, who taught me how to shop.

Endwich Bank

1 Stallion Square

London W1 3HW

Ms Rebecca Bloomwood

Flat 4

63 Jarvis Road

Bristol BS1 0DN

6 July 1997

Dear Ms Bloomwood

Congratulations! As a recent graduate of Bristol University you are undoubtedly proud of your performance.

We at Endwich are also proud of our performance as a flexible, caring bank with accounts to suit everyone. We pride ourselves particularly in our far-sighted approach when it comes to customers of calibre such as yours.

We are therefore offering you, Ms Bloomwood – as a graduate – a free extended overdraft facility of ?2,000 during the first two years of your career. Should you decide to open an account with Endwich, this facility will be available immediately.* I do hope you decide to take advantage of this unique offer and took forward to receiving your completed form.

Once again, congratulations!

Yours sincerely

Nigel Fairs

Graduate Marketing Manager

* (subject to status)

ENDWICH – BECAUSE WE CARE

Endwich Bank

FULHAM BRANCH

3 Fulham Road

London SW6 9JH

Ms Rebecca Bloomwood

Flat 2

4 Burney Road

London SW6 8FD

10 September 1999

Dear Ms Bloomwood

Further to my letters of 3 May, 29 July and 14 August, you will be aware that your free graduate overdraft facility is due to end on 19 September 1999. You will also be aware that you have substantially exceeded the agreed limit of ?2,000.

The current balance stands at a debit of ?3,794.56.

Perhaps you would be kind enough to telephone my assistant Erica Parnell to arrange a meeting concerning this matter.

Yours sincerely

Derek Smeath

Manager

ENDWICH – BECAUSE WE CARE

Endwich Bank

FULHAM BRANCH

3 Fulham Road

London SW6 9JH

Ms Rebecca Bloomwood

Flat 2

4 Burney Road

London SW6 8FD

22 September 1999

Dear Ms Bloomwood

I am sorry to hear that you have broken your leg. When you have recovered, perhaps you would be kind enough to ring my assistant Erica Parnell and arrange a meeting to discuss your ongoing overdraft needs.

Yours sincerely

Derek Smeath

Manager

ENDWICH – BECAUSE WE CARE

Endwich Bank

FULHAM BRANCH

3 Fulham Road

London SW6 9JH

Ms Rebecca Bloomwood

Flat 2

4 Burney Road

London SW6 8FD

17 November 1999

Dear Ms Bloomwood

I am sorry to hear that you have glandular fever. When you have recovered, perhaps you would be kind enough to ring my assistant Erica Parnell and arrange a meeting to discuss your situation.

Yours sincerely

Derek Smeath

Manager

ENDWICH – BECAUSE WE CARE

OK. Don't panic. Don't panic. It's only a VISA bill. It's a piece of paper; a few numbers. I mean, just how scary can a few numbers be?

I stare out of the office window at a bus driving down Oxford Street, willing myself to open the white envelope sitting on my cluttered desk. It's only a piece of paper, I tell myself for the thousandth time. And I'm not stupid, am I? I know exactly how much this VISA bill will be.

Sort of. Roughly.

It'll be about… ?200. Three hundred, maybe. Yes, maybe three hundred. Three-fifty max.

I casually close my eyes and start to tot up. There was that suit in Jigsaw. And there was dinner with Suze at Quaglino's. And there was that gorgeous red and yellow rug. The rug was ?200, come to think of it. But it was definitely worth every penny – everyone's admired it. Or, at least, Suze has.

And the Jigsaw suit was on sale – 30 per cent off. So that was actually saving money.

I open my eyes and reach for the bill. As my fingers hit the paper I remember new contact lenses. Ninety five pounds. Quite a lot. But, I mean, I had to get those, didn't I? What am I supposed to do, walk around in a blur?

And I had to buy some new solutions and a cute case and some hypo-allergenic eyeliner. So that takes it up to… four hundred?

At the desk next door to mine, Clare Edwards looks up from her post. She's sorting all her letters into neat piles, just like she does every morning. She puts rubber bands round them and puts labels on them saying things like, 'Answer immediately' and 'Not urgent but respond'. I loathe Clare Edwards.

'OK, Becky?' she says.

Fine, I say lightly. 'just reading a letter.'

I reach gaily into the envelope, but my fingers don't quite pull out the bill. They remain clutched around it while my mind is seized – as it is every month – by my secret dream.

Do you want to know about my secret dream? It's based on a story I once read in the newspaper about a mix-up at a bank. I loved this story so much, I cut it out and stuck it onto my wardrobe door. Two credit card bills were sent to the wrong people, and – get this – each person paid the wrong bill without realizing. They paid off each other's bills without even checking them.

And ever since I read that story, my secret dream has been that the same thing will happen to me. Some dotty old woman in Cornwall will be sent my humungous bill and will pay it without even looking at it. And I'll be sent her bill for three tins of cat food at 59p each. Which, naturally, I'll pay without question. 

Fair's fair, after all.

A smile is plastered over my face as I gaze out of the window. I'm convinced that this month it'll happen – my secret dream is about to come true. But when I eventually pull the bill out of the envelope – goaded by Clare's curious gaze – my smile falters, then disappears.

Something hot is blocking my throat. I think it could be panic.

The page is black with type. A series of familiar names rushes past my eyes like a mini shopping mall. I try to take them in, but they're moving too fast. Thomtons, I manage to glimpse. Thorntons Chocolates? What the hell was I doing in Thorntons Chocolates? I'm supposed to be on a diet. This bill can't be right. This can't be me. I can't possibly have spent all this money.

Don't panic! I yell internally. The key is not to panic.

Just read each entry slowly, one by one. I take a deep breath and force myself to focus calmly, starting at the top.

WH Smith (well, that's OK. Everyone needs stationery)

Boots (ditto)

Specsavers (essential)

Oddbins (bottle of wine – essential)

Our Price (Our Price? Oh yes. The new Charlatans album. Well, I had to have that, didn't I?)

Bella Pasta (supper with Caitlin)

Oddbins (bottle of wine – essential)

Esso (petrol doesn't count)

Quaglino's (expensive – but it was a one-off)

Pret Manger (that time I ran out of cash)

Oddbins (bottle of wine – essential)

Rugs to Riches (what? Oh yes, the rug. Stupid rug)

La Senza (sexy underwear for date with James)

Agent Provocateur (even sexier underwear for date with James. Huh. Like I needed it)

Body Shop (that skin brusher thing which I must use)

Next (fairly boring white shirt – but it was in the sale)

Millets…

I stop in my tracks. Millets? I never go into Millets. What the hell would I be doing if I Millets? I stare at the statement in puzzlement, wrinkling my brow and trying to think – and then suddenly, the truth dawns on me. It's obvious. Someone else has been using my card.

Oh my God. I, Rebecca Bloomwood, have been the victim of a crime.

Now it all makes sense. Some criminal's pinched my redit card and forged my signature. Who knows where else they've used it? No wonder my statement's so black with figures! Someone's gone on a spending spree round London with my card – and they thought they would just get away with it.

But how have they managed it? I scrabble in my bag for my purse, open it – and there's my VISA card, staring up at me. I take it out and gaze at it. Someone must have pinched it from my purse, used it – and then put it back. It must be someone I know. Oh my God. Who?

I look suspiciously round the office. Whoever it is, isn't very bright. Using my card at Millets! It's almost laughable. As if I'd ever shop there.

'I've never even been into Millets!' I say aloud.

'Yes you have,' says Clare.

'What?' I turn to her, not particularly pleased to be interrupted. 'No I haven,t.'

'You bought Michael's leaving present from Millets, didn't you?'

I stare at her and feel my smile disappear. Oh bugger.