“Violet, what the hell are you doing in there!” Preston, the last foster father I had from the ages of fifteen until I became eighteen and an adult, bangs on the door.  He’s eight years older than me, but doesn’t mind the age difference, and uses it to his advantage all the time. He didn’t use to be so interested in me, well not to this extreme. But then his wife left him and now all he seems to see is me. It makes me sick to my stomach, just hearing the sound of his voice because it reminds me of everything that’s happened the last two months I’ve been living here. Rent doesn’t come free and Preston won’t accept money. So I deal to pay rent and then my body pays him for any mistakes I make along the way.

I hate myself, for letting despair kill me enough that I allow stuff to happen.

“I’m taking a bath,” I reply, brushing my hands over my wet hair and letting my head fall back against the rim of the tub as vomit burns at the back of my throat as I remember the night… his callous hands...

“Well, it you don’t get out soon, I’m going to have to pick the lock and come in and make you get out,” he says through the door with amusement in his tone. And desire. Lust. Need. .

I hate him.

I need him.

I wish I was somewhere else.

“I’ll be out in just a few,” I holler back, watching the faucet drip and ripple the water. I put my foot up on the brim of the tub and stare at the yellowish bruises covering my shin and that dot up from my knee to my thigh. But as the images rise of where they came from, I shake my head and put my wall back up. I refuse to think about them. I need to survive no matter what happens, like how I did for most of my life, in and out of foster homes. After all, I’ve had worse.

“You should get dressed out here,” he tells me, the sound of his voice making the bruises on my flesh sting. “It could be another payback for that eighth you lost last week.”

I cringe at his reminder. Last week I messed up badly. I was distracted knowing that the semester would be starting in a few days and that Luke and I would have to see each other again in the hallways and probably in class. I ended up giving some guy an eighth without collecting the cash first and he took off without paying and totally screwed me over.

“I thought I was going to sell for you on Saturday and Sunday for that.” I don’t bother mentioning that I already did something else to make up for it, only because I’m afraid I’ll throw up if I say it aloud. I slump back and stare at the ceiling, willing myself not to be affected by his words, not be affected by the vile sensation manifesting in the pit of my stomach. Vomit burns at the back of my throat, but I refuse to hurl.

“You’re becoming a real downer, Violet Hayes,” he says. “Life would be so much easier if you’d just relax and do what I tell you.”

“I do that already,” I reply through gritted teeth. I’ve never been a fan of hearing my last name, or even telling people it. It reminds me too much of my mother and father and how they died. The only person that’s said it where it didn’t bother me was Luke. Usually I’d chew Preston out for using it, but lately I’ve been too emotionally drained to put up a good fight.

I only breathe freely when I hear Preston walk away from the door. Then I get out of the bathtub and dry off my pruney skin with a towel before putting on a purple tank top, a black vest, and matching pants. I tousle my hair with some gel, put lip-gloss and some kohl liner on, then head out of the bathroom, feeling a little high from the adrenaline rush I got from almost drowning myself in the bathtub.

I grab a Pop Tart from the cupboard and a bottle of water from the fridge, hoping that Preston will be cooperative when I ask him for a ride to school. Please be cooperative.

But he’s not in his room, which probably means he’s down under the house in the crawl space, where he keeps his drugs. The entrance is always locked but I wouldn’t go down there anyway. The last thing I want to do is go down into some creepy, small, narrow space below the house, alone with him. So I go into the living room and put my boots on, taking my time as I wait for him to come out.

The trailer that we live in is fairly clean, although it does smell like cigarette smoke and weed. Still, there’s no garbage lying around and everything is organized and in place. I’ve lived in foster homes where cleanliness was nonexistent and filth, garbage and dust coated everything. It wasn’t ideal.

“So what are you up to today?” Preston asks as he strolls into the house, slipping on a plaid hooded jacket and then dusting some dirt out of his hair.

My hand twitches with this aching urge to ball my hand into a fist and punch the casualness off his face. But I bury the urge and zip up my knee-high boot, then get to my feet, reaching for my bag. “I actually need a ride to class, unless you just want to lend me your car for the day.” Please say a simple yes with no strings attached.

“You know I hate doing that unless it’s for dealing,” he says, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms, giving me that look—the one that comes before he asks me to do something for him. “Then I’m just stuck here without a vehicle.”

I swing the handle of my bag over my shoulder. “Well, can you give me a ride then? That way you’ll still have your car.” School has only been going for a few days and it’s already becoming a pain in the ass to get there. I should have just gotten a dorm room, but I stupidly waited to long, thinking I was going to just live in the apartment with Luke, Seth, and Greyson, but that brilliant plan went to shit.

Preston ruffles his hair into place as he crosses the room and comes to a stop in front of me, too close and I can smell him—I hate the smell of him. “I hate doing that because then I have to wait around for a couple of hours to pick you up.”

“Don’t you have anything in town you need to do?” I subtly lean away from him, his scent becoming too nauseating.

He shakes his head. “Not really.” He reaches for his car keys on the coffee table. “But I do have shit to do over at Dan’s.”

My mood plummets. “Dan the pervert?”

He nonchalantly shrugs, swinging his keychain around his finger. “You say pervert. I say a guy who just likes to have fun.” He winks at me. “Just like me.”

“He pays women for sex.” I say it like it changes something, when it clearly doesn’t.

“Money, food, a roof over their head—a lot of people trade stuff for sex.” There’s accusation in his eyes.

Please someone get me the fuck out of this goddamn place.

I notice how red his eyes are, which means he’s more than likely stoned and that having any form of argument with him is a lost cause. I sigh, giving up, and back toward the door. “Fine, I’ll just hitchhike a ride.” I both love and hate the idea of doing this. Love it because of the thrill. And hate it because I love doing things like this—love the danger because it’s all I have left anymore. Risks. Well, really they’re not risks anymore because what do I have to lose?

Preston rolls his eyes. “Don’t be overdramatic. I’ll drive you to school, but you’re on your own for the day because I have shit to do.”

Finding my own ride anywhere else means probably hitchhiking, since I don’t have any friends, except for maybe Greyson, who I still talk to at work and hang out with sometimes, but I don’t think he has any class today and I hate asking people for favors—it’s bad enough I have to ask Preston.

“Sounds like a plan to me.” I force a chipper tone as I turn for the door, ready to get the day over with.

The last month has been really intense, especially with my parent’s case being highly investigated due to Luke coming forward and giving them information about Mira Price, his mom. I haven’t talked to Luke about it because I can barely look at him as it is, without feeling both agony and something else that I don’t think I’ve felt before. The case still hasn’t gone anywhere. Mira Price has been questioned and detective Stephner, who’s in charge of the investigation, is trying to get enough evidence to get a search warrant for her house. When I asked why Luke and I couldn’t just testify, he said he wasn’t sure if a song would hold up in court—they needed more. DNA proof or something better. I wonder what the hell would be left in her house after all these years—I’m sure she’s destroyed any evidence—so I’m pessimistic at the idea that an arrest will ever be made. However, what the case has done is spark tons of media attention, which has made my life a living hell, people like Stan, the reporter who harassed me through phone calls, popping up left and right. It’s nerve racking, especially because any of the text could be from the real killer since there’s two people out in the world that did it and they could still be lingering around, watching me.

What if he finally comes looking for me?

During one brief, semi-intoxicated meltdown, I told Preston my fears about this, which led to me stupidly divulging more than what I intended, like what went on between Luke and I, which he uses against me. So not only am I constantly looking over my shoulder, but I have Preston reminding me of what I’ll have left if I leave him—absolutely nothing. Still, sometimes I want to take the nothing.

I try not to think too much about it, though, as I head out the front door with Preston close behind me. When I reach Preston’s old grey Cadillac parked in the driveway, he steps around and opens the door, holding it open like a true gentleman, but he’s not. Something that he proves to me with his next move, when I veer around him to get in the car and he grabs my hip and pulls me against him.