‘ Yeah, and I can’ t believe you,’  I said, forcing mirth into my voice. ‘ Egging her on like you did.’

‘ Gotta go with the flow. And hey,’  Troy said, giving a playful tug at my pants, ‘ what’ s up with the jeans?’

‘ There’ s nothing wrong with jeans. You’ re wearing them. Remember& radio and all that?’

‘ I’ m disappointed, that’ s all. I was specifically promised pajamas.’

‘ You’ re not missing much,’  I assured him, brushing at my bottom. ‘ My pajamas are no big thrill. Half the time I wind up just wearing underwear to bed.’

As soon as the words escaped my mouth, I winced with embarrassment.

Troy gave a low chuckle. ‘ I was disappointed before. Now I’ m devastated.’

Chapter 15

M y parents didn’ t argue often. But when they did, my brother and I had an uncanny ability to choose these times while their equilibrium was off to ask for things. A later bedtime. Pizza delivery. The combination to the liquor cabinet. It was risky. You could get your head snapped off. Yet there was also the chance that you’ d get a ‘ yes’  that you’ d never, ever get otherwise. We didn’ t even have to hear the fight or know for a fact it had happened-it was as if we could smell the vulnerability. I can’ t even say it was deliberate, at least on my part. It was pure childhood instinct that drove us to pounce when the prey was weakened.

It was the same sort of instinct, I’ ll assume, behind Deedee saying to me now-as I was still reeling from the news that Marissa’ s accident had in fact been the worst-case scenario-’ I’ ve been thinking.’

‘ That explains that smoke coming from your brain,’  I quipped.

I was driving her to school after the ride-along with Troy, and we’ d gotten mired in the rush-hour traffic that had looked so lovely from the sky. It was butt-ugly down here. I was stuck behind a huge truck with a naked woman silhouette on the mud flaps and a ‘ My Kid Can Beat Up Your Honor Student’  bumper sticker. Somebody nearby hadn’ t passed smog inspection because I was choking on fumes. My car had moved about a foot and a half in the past hour.

‘ I’ m pretty sure I got somebody who can adopt the baby.’

‘ Deedee, that’ s wonderful!’  I exclaimed, and the words kept gushing out. ‘ I can’ t believe you didn’ t tell me before this! Is your mom okay with it? Oh my gosh, I’ m so excited for you! Who is it? Did you find relatives?’

‘ Sort of related,’  she said.

‘ Yeah?’

‘ A sister.’

I looked over at her in utter confusion. ‘ A sister? You never told me you had a sister.’

‘ A big sister.’

‘ Wha-? Huh-? You have a big sister? How is that-?’  And then it struck me.

Ho no. Was she out of her mind?

‘ Tell me you’ re not referring to me.’

‘ Why not?!’  she challenged. ‘ It’ d be perfect! You could be the mom-and we’ d all hang out together and do stuff.’

‘ But Deedee-’

‘ You want a baby. You said so yourself.’

‘ I meant more someday.’

‘ I’ m not due till August.’

I gave a sigh.

‘ You don’ t exactly have all the time in the world,’  she said ominously.

‘ Do you know something I don’ t know? Because I was planning on sticking around for a while.’

‘ You know what I mean.’

‘ I can see why the idea would appeal to you. And I’ m flattered, I am. But if you haven’ t noticed, I’ m single. Wouldn’ t you rather the baby go to a married couple?’

‘ I don’ t know any married couples. I know you.’

‘ There are agencies where they’ d introduce you to people who-’

‘ That’ s not gonna work. You know that. My mom is never gonna let the baby go to just anybody. And I don’ t want that for her anyway. How do I know how some stranger’ s gonna treat her? That she’ s not gonna get smacked around or put down all the time? Or worse?’

‘ Her?’  I asked. ‘ Did you-’

‘ It’ s a girl.’

‘ Congratulations,’  I said; then I added gently, ‘ Believe me, the idea of adopting the baby is very tempting. But sweetie, your mom’ s never going to go for this.’

‘ Yeah, she is. We already talked about it.’

‘ You did?’

‘ I mean, it was my idea. Even way back when I only thought I might be pregnant. After you and Kip came over, me and my mom talked about it. And then last night, spending that time with your family, I knew for sure.’

I blew out a breath.

‘ I don’ t have much family,’  she said. ‘ Mami’ s is mostly in Mexico. I don’ t even know my dad. And you’ d be an awesome mom. Plus you got that big place with a pool. The baby would have grandparents living close by. And I’ d be, like, her big sister.’

Traffic started to clear-there’ d been backup due to a crash& a smash-up& whatever you want to call it. As I got close to where the accident happened, I slowed to rubberneck. I waited all this time, I might as well get my show. Not much to see. Fender bender; no injuries as far as I could tell. All this to watch two people exchange insurance information.

We picked up speed, and I fiddled with the air vents, trying to get a breeze going. ‘ It doesn’ t bother you that I’ m not married?’

‘ Might be even better. You’ ll give the baby more love that way. You don’ t have anybody else. All you got is each other.’

‘ What if I get married?’

Deedee made a sound like ‘ Heh.’

‘ It could happen!’

‘ Ah, that’ d be okay. You wouldn’ t marry a guy who didn’ t want a baby, too. You know, I think Dickie liked you.’

‘ Dickie?’

‘ He was totally flirting with you.’

‘ You don’ t mean Troy?’

The girl must be brighter than I gave her credit for. ‘ Why, do you like Troy?’  she asked sweetly.

‘ No! I thought you might have the names mixed up. I assumed Troy because you met him before& at the beach.’

She started to singsong, ‘ You really liiiiike him& ‘

‘ Shut up.’

‘ You think he’ s seeeeexy& ‘

‘ This car is still going slow enough. I can shove you out and probably not even get a ticket for it.’

‘ You want to kiiiiiiss him& ‘

I snipped, ‘ Can we change the subject?’

‘ Fine. You gonna adopt my kid or not?’

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

‘ I need time to mull it over. This is a lot.’

Deedee nodded, whereas I was utterly shocked by what I’ d just said. I’ d mull it? Surely the answer needed to be a swift and simple no. Yet, as soon as Deedee proposed the idea of me being a mom, all I could think about were those few minutes of waiting for a pregnancy test result. The same mix of yes and no stirred inside me. I wasn’ t yet willing to open my eyes and look at the results-especially since this time it was up to me what answer appeared. Instead, against all logic, I’ d just given Deedee a maybe.

‘ Just don’ t take too long deciding,’  she said. ‘ If you don’ t do it, I gotta start buying baby stuff. And sign myself up for independent study. And those guys said they were going to get me a student internship at the radio station in the fall. I can’ t do it if I got to worry about a kid, so I’ ll need to call them and tell them no.’

Sensing my chance to divert Deedee from the topic of adopting her baby, I said, ‘ Oh, an internship? That’ s great! You must have really impressed them. What sorts of things would you be doing?’

‘ Nothing if I got me a baby to take care of,’  she said dully.

So much for diverting her attention.

After I dropped Deedee off at school, that Mariah Carey song ‘ Hero’  came on the radio. When it got to the part about how I’ ll finally see the truth-that a hero lies in me-I felt a catch in my throat. It wasn’ t a full-on sob. I prefer to save that sort of thing for where people can see me, apparently. This was more a quick bubble of emotion. A hint at the roller coaster to come.

When I finally got to work, Susan was the only one who noticed it wasn’ t me on K-JAM. Everyone else told me, Good job! Way to go! Phyllis popped her head into my cubicle to say, ‘ It’ s a start.’

My mom had left a message. ‘ Why are you going on the radio saying I’ m blind? I understand if you want to give carpooling a heartwarming angle. But couldn’ t you have made your father blind? He doesn’ t have to go to work and face people.’  Then she sighed. ‘ Ah well, maybe I’ ll get one of those handicapped spots now.’

FOR THE NEXT WEEK, the only thing I could think about was adopting Deedee’ s baby.

It wasn’ t as if I didn’ t have other things to occupy my mind. Work was a madhouse. I had to pick up the slack for Lizbeth’ s being gone, even though there was no talk yet of (me) replacing her. Plus, it was near the end of the fiscal year, so those projects I’ d procrastinated on had come back to haunt me.

But my world went on autopilot, and I had one thing on my mind. For the first time, I could relate to that annoying way that women get so consumed about pregnancy and babies. In fact, I now offer my profound and immediate apologies to every woman behind whose back I made gagging motions when our conversation managed to again focus only on baby clothes, bassinettes, and spit-up.

Out of nowhere, I’ d become obsessed with babies. Even when I was running errands one day, my car steered itself to a Babies R Us-or, as I’ ve called it any other time I’ ve had to go there to buy a shower present, Downtown Hell. But this time I meandered the aisles, gushing over the tiny outfits. Mentally picturing how I’ d turn my spare room into a nursery.

That was, I scolded myself, if I adopted the baby.

But that was crazy. Of course it was crazy!

Wasn’ t it?

Suddenly I was noticing babies everywhere. I couldn’ t get enough of them. I found myself cooing at them. Asking their mothers how old they were. Did they sleep through the night? Were they on solids yet? ‘ Mind if I give ‘ em a hold?’