My heart began to beat fast. What was he hinting? Could he possibly mean that he and I would marry ... as Susannah and Esmond had intended to?

He was watching me intently. I thought, The moment has come. If he asks me to marry him I shall have to tell. And what would he think if he knew that I was a cheat and a fraud?

I heard myself say: "But you have your own life. What do you do when you are not here?"

He looked at me in puzzlement and I realized at once what a mistake I had made. Of course Susannah would have known what he did.

After a pause he said: "Well, you know Stockley has to be managed. Tom Rexon is a good manager fortunately. That's why I can always leave things to him. If there is a major decision to be made he can get in touch. Otherwise he's completely capable."

So his home was Stockley. I wondered where. I must be careful not to betray myself. It was so easy to take a false step and I saw that I had just made one. I had halted the flow of conversation. What had he been about to say? Whatever it was, he was not going to say it now.

He talked of Stockley and the difference between his estate and that of the castle. "It hasn't the fascination of the castle, of course, but I love the old place. After all, it's mine."

And as I lay there listening to Malcolm I realized that I was making my position more complicated than ever because I was falling in love with him.

The idyl continued. Each morning we rode together. There was one occasion when my horse lost a shoe and we had to take her to a blacksmith. While we were waiting for the horse to be shod we went into the nearby hostelry and drank cider and ate hot bread with cheese. Food had rarely tasted so good and I was once more poignantly reminded of the time when I had picnicked in the woods with my parents and had had three wishes. If only I could have three wishes now. I should wish that... no, not that I was Susannah, but that I could be made the rightful heiress of the castle, and Malcolm could fall in love with me, and the third would be that I could forget the tragedy of Vulcan Island.

That was absurd. I would never forget but I might with good luck superimpose another image over the past. I might find the present and the future so enthralling that I should never be tempted to look back and long for the days before the disaster.

Why should I wish for these things to happen to me? I didn't deserve them. I had committed a mighty fraud and must not complain if I had to pay for my wickedness.

But how happy I could have been if things were different.

That day, I remember, we discussed the case of Emily Thorn.

I had at last broken through that reserve of hers and made her admit her fear.

I had cornered her in her kitchen only the day before. She had been so nervous. She said she would make me a cup of tea and I sat in the kitchen talking to her. Just as she had opened the tea caddy there was the sound of knocking from above. She had looked flustered, frustrated and anxious.

She dropped the caddy and the tea was spilled all over the table.

"Oh dear," she said, "what an idiot I am! Mother is right."

"It's nothing," I said. I took the caddy from her hands and spooned up some tea which had spilled onto the table.

"Go and see what your mother wants," I said. "I'll make the tea."

She went away and when she came back I had made the tea.

"Is anything wrong?" I asked.

"No. She only wanted her lemonade. She must have heard someone down here, Miss Susannah."

I could believe that. If she thought her daughter was with a visitor she would want to interrupt them.

Because Miss Thorn was distraught I came closer to her that morning over the cup of tea than I had ever been able to before.

She had been a lady's maid. She had enjoyed that

"I had a lovely lady," she said. "She had lovely hair and I knew just how to make it look its best. She used to be ever so pleased with me. She'd give me dresses and ribbons and things like that. Then she got married and I could have gone with her, but Mother wanted someone to look after her so I had to come home."

Poor Miss Thorn, whose only glimpse of joy had been to dress another woman's hair and receive her castoff garments.

I then discovered the real source of her anxiety. That her mother made her life a burden was clear, as was the fact that she was condemned to look after her for the rest of her life. That she accepted, but when her mother died where would she go? She would have to find a post and somewhere to live. How could she do that? She would be getting old herself.

I said to her: "There's no need to worry. While your mother lives, things must remain as they are, but you must not be afraid that you will be turned out of the cottage before we have found something else for you. Who knows? I might decide I would like a lady's maid."

And as we sat in the inn I told Malcolm what I had said. He looked at me searchingly for a long time.

"This is not the way to run an estate successfully, you know, Susannah," he said.

"It's the way to run it happily," I replied. The change in Miss Thorn is miraculous."

"You're behaving like a fairy godmother."

"What's wrong with fairy godmothers?"

"It's all right when they have magic at their fingertips."

"I have ... to a certain extent. I mean I have the means to help these people solve their problems."

Then he leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose.

I drew back. He raised his eyebrows and said: "I couldn't help it. You looked so lovely, glowing with virtue." He put his elbows on the table and regarded me quizzically. "Tell me, Susannah, what happened in Australia?"

"Why do you ask?"

"It must have been something tremendous. Like St. Paul on the road to Damascus. You've changed. You've changed so utterly."

"I'm sorry but . . ,"

"Sorry! It's not a matter for sorrow. It's one for rejoicing.

You've become a new Susannah. You've become aware... . You've become vulnerable. I always thought you had a skin like an armadillo. All you wanted was your own way. But something must have happened in Australia... ."

"I found my father, of course."

He was looking at me steadily and I was growing more and more uneasy.

"Now I come to think of it, you don't even look the same. I could almost believe ... But then I don't believe in fairy stories. Do you?"

I thought of three wishes in an enchanted wood and hesitated.

"You do!" he cried. "Some old witch came to you, did she? She said: "I'll make you what you would like to be and in exchange I'll take your soul.' Oh, Susannah, you haven't bartered your soul, have you?"

I could not meet his eyes. But I was thinking, Yes, perhaps I have.

"Don't let anything change you back, Susannah. Please stay as you are."

I just sat there looking at him and I knew then that I was in love with Malcolm Mateland. I felt exhilarated and then despair came to me as the hopelessness of my situation came home to me.

I was a cheat. I was afraid. This was nothing more than a masquerade. I must not let myself become too deeply enmeshed.

But what was the use? I already was.

A few more days passed. I saw Malcolm on every one. Janet noticed. I think I must have betrayed my feelings for him. She was very observant and sometimes made me very uneasy, for I fancied she watched me closely; but I had to admit that she had helped me out with her gossip on more than one occasion.

There was nothing subservient about Janet. She regarded herself as highly privileged and one entitled to speak her mind.

She said: "You and Mr. Malcolm are becoming very friendly. I reckon that's a good thing, if you ask me."

"I didn't ask you, Janet," I said. "But I suppose all friendship is a good thing."

"You remind me of someone I used to know very well. Always got an answer. Well, I reckon friendship is a good thing but when it's between such as you and Mr. Malcolm, it's a little bit more good than most."

"Oh?" I said.

"Well, what I mean is, you've got the castle and he wanted the castle, and he could be a great help in managing it... and I reckon if you're quite fond of each other ..."

"Janet, you presume too much," I said.

"All right, all right," she placated. "Perhaps I do speak out of turn. But it could be a good thing and there's no gainsaying that It could solve a lot of things and that's nice in itself."

So Janet had noticed. I wondered if others had too.

My nature was such that I would seize on an optimistic turn of affairs. I thought to myself, If Malcolm loved me, if I married Malcolm, if he shared the castle with me, what harm would have been done? I could let him take charge of things. I could always remember that he was the rightful owner. Could I, in such circumstances, forget my guilt? A wrong would have been righted. I would stand beside him, help him in what he wanted to do. It would be as it should have been on Susannah's death. It would just be that the heir of the castle had married me and thus I had become its mistress.

It seemed as though the gods of good fortune were offering me forgiveness on a plate.

It was a lovely euphoric experience. It made me feel that I was at liberty to fall in love with Malcolm, to marry him if he asked me and to live in peace for the rest of my life.

Perhaps in ten years' time when we had grown together and we had our children, I would confess to him. By then there would be no question of his not understanding and he would forgive me readily.